Q: What's cooler than being cool?
Aug. 2nd, 2008 03:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shadydaveSo, we had exciting adventures of FAIL last night.
First we went to see The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, although we lost Mallory to unknown and possibly sinister events happening to Trevor's car. We got to see the new Harry Potter trailer, which was awesome, especially when Laura and I cracked up at the exact same part, which you can now behold in its full glory because Laura wins at life!
I was actually pretty disappointed with the movie, which you think would be hard to do in a series where a guy who lives in Egypt claims that pyramids are three-sided and Brendan Fraser can run faster than the speed of light. It was really bad, but not in an awesome way.
WHY THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR IS NOT AS AWESOME:
- Evy. First of all, they couldn't get Rachel Weisz, so instead of writing her out, they recast her role, which is never a good idea unless the person sucked in the first place (see also Batman Begins) or died (see also Harry Potter). Maria Bello was not nearly funny and charming enough and also had a bit of a problem with her accent. Secondly, Evy spent the entire first two movies GEEKING OUT about books and history and stuff and is very clearly an academic, so I don't really understand why she is writing trashy adventure novels instead of very bizarre and obscure textbooks. Having her go from triumphantly succeeding in a male-dominated field (academia, not mummy-hunting) to reading totally lame stories to crowds of tittering airheads was a slap in the face, and no mistake.
- Alex. 1) So he goes from an adorable small child who gets to go on archaeological digs with his parents, calmly reads books on camels after being abducted by bad guys, has absolute faith that his dad is going to kick the ass of an undead mummy with superpowers, and brings his mom back from the dead, to being an estranged academic slacker who doesn't even write? Uh, why? 2) Also, why is he almost as old as his parents? 3) And most importantly, WHY IS HE FROM BROOKLYN?!
In conclusion: "Digging up mummies! I LIKE IT VERY MUCH!"
- Shady Guy. More specifically, how he wasn't there :(
- What is the point of having Jet Li in your movie if at least half of it is not one of his fight scenes? He could have fought a yeti! IT WOULD HAVE BEEN AWESOME! There is no universe where Arnold Vosloo should be a more worthy adversary than Jet Li. Also, they never actually call him "The Dragon Emperor." At least there was a mummy in The Mummy who returned in The Mummy Returns.
- So, it's not like The Mummy and The Mummy Returns didn't steal the heck from, like, every other movie ever, but at least they were slightly more subtle about it so I couldn't describe them as, for example, "a cross between Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and Hero, but with all the awesome fight scenes taken out and a large heap of SUCK added. With mummies!"
- Possibly I would have believed in Alex's and Lin's twu wuv if they had, you know, actual scenes together.
- NEEDS MOAR MICHELLE YEOH.
- Finally, the script blew hard core. It's not like The Mummy and The Mummy Returns were going to win screenwriting Oscars, but they were (almost) competent in mastering the basic formula of "Ominous foreshadowing, something scary happens, someone dies, someone says something funny, something explodes, repeat on intensifying scale until the big showdown, resolution". This movie, however, was more "stuff blows up, lame fight scene, repeat".
- It didn't even have good music!
STUFF I DID LIKE:
- O'Connell trying to fish. Also, I like to imagine that since he and Evy were spies during the war, they got to team up with Indiana Jones. I don't really know why archaeologists were in such high demand for spies, but whatever!
- Jonathan owning a night club named "IMHOTEP'S" in Shanghai. Random, but awesome.
- YETIS!
- General Ming's Army of Darkness. There needed to be more scenes with him.
- The credits. THEY were more awesome than the movie.
- Jonathan versus Peruvian mummies.
Anyways, after the movie, we went to the B&N in Main Street to hang out since it was the only place open after 9. Except that apparently, Stephanie Meyer's new Twilight book came out, and there was a release party. The smart thing would have been to call it a loss, but since we willing went to see The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor clearly this solution was not for us, so we hung out with the preteens and housewives and made bloodless origami (?) and charm bracelets and read books that were definitely not Twilight. We did, however, get to stay there extra long, since the store was open past midnight.
In conclusion: We are made of win, The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor is made of FAIL, and I am highly dubious of a book series whose primary audience is teenage girls and their mothers.
First we went to see The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, although we lost Mallory to unknown and possibly sinister events happening to Trevor's car. We got to see the new Harry Potter trailer, which was awesome, especially when Laura and I cracked up at the exact same part, which you can now behold in its full glory because Laura wins at life!
I was actually pretty disappointed with the movie, which you think would be hard to do in a series where a guy who lives in Egypt claims that pyramids are three-sided and Brendan Fraser can run faster than the speed of light. It was really bad, but not in an awesome way.
WHY THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR IS NOT AS AWESOME:
- Evy. First of all, they couldn't get Rachel Weisz, so instead of writing her out, they recast her role, which is never a good idea unless the person sucked in the first place (see also Batman Begins) or died (see also Harry Potter). Maria Bello was not nearly funny and charming enough and also had a bit of a problem with her accent. Secondly, Evy spent the entire first two movies GEEKING OUT about books and history and stuff and is very clearly an academic, so I don't really understand why she is writing trashy adventure novels instead of very bizarre and obscure textbooks. Having her go from triumphantly succeeding in a male-dominated field (academia, not mummy-hunting) to reading totally lame stories to crowds of tittering airheads was a slap in the face, and no mistake.
- Alex. 1) So he goes from an adorable small child who gets to go on archaeological digs with his parents, calmly reads books on camels after being abducted by bad guys, has absolute faith that his dad is going to kick the ass of an undead mummy with superpowers, and brings his mom back from the dead, to being an estranged academic slacker who doesn't even write? Uh, why? 2) Also, why is he almost as old as his parents? 3) And most importantly, WHY IS HE FROM BROOKLYN?!
In conclusion: "Digging up mummies! I LIKE IT VERY MUCH!"
- Shady Guy. More specifically, how he wasn't there :(
- What is the point of having Jet Li in your movie if at least half of it is not one of his fight scenes? He could have fought a yeti! IT WOULD HAVE BEEN AWESOME! There is no universe where Arnold Vosloo should be a more worthy adversary than Jet Li. Also, they never actually call him "The Dragon Emperor." At least there was a mummy in The Mummy who returned in The Mummy Returns.
- So, it's not like The Mummy and The Mummy Returns didn't steal the heck from, like, every other movie ever, but at least they were slightly more subtle about it so I couldn't describe them as, for example, "a cross between Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and Hero, but with all the awesome fight scenes taken out and a large heap of SUCK added. With mummies!"
- Possibly I would have believed in Alex's and Lin's twu wuv if they had, you know, actual scenes together.
- NEEDS MOAR MICHELLE YEOH.
- Finally, the script blew hard core. It's not like The Mummy and The Mummy Returns were going to win screenwriting Oscars, but they were (almost) competent in mastering the basic formula of "Ominous foreshadowing, something scary happens, someone dies, someone says something funny, something explodes, repeat on intensifying scale until the big showdown, resolution". This movie, however, was more "stuff blows up, lame fight scene, repeat".
- It didn't even have good music!
STUFF I DID LIKE:
- O'Connell trying to fish. Also, I like to imagine that since he and Evy were spies during the war, they got to team up with Indiana Jones. I don't really know why archaeologists were in such high demand for spies, but whatever!
- Jonathan owning a night club named "IMHOTEP'S" in Shanghai. Random, but awesome.
- YETIS!
- General Ming's Army of Darkness. There needed to be more scenes with him.
- The credits. THEY were more awesome than the movie.
- Jonathan versus Peruvian mummies.
Anyways, after the movie, we went to the B&N in Main Street to hang out since it was the only place open after 9. Except that apparently, Stephanie Meyer's new Twilight book came out, and there was a release party. The smart thing would have been to call it a loss, but since we willing went to see The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor clearly this solution was not for us, so we hung out with the preteens and housewives and made bloodless origami (?) and charm bracelets and read books that were definitely not Twilight. We did, however, get to stay there extra long, since the store was open past midnight.
In conclusion: We are made of win, The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor is made of FAIL, and I am highly dubious of a book series whose primary audience is teenage girls and their mothers.
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no subject
Date: 2008-08-02 11:57 pm (UTC)Brendan Fraser CAN run faster than the speed of light. TRUFAX.
Also, that trailer is made of AWESOME and you should present Laura with my compliments.
In conclusion: Brendan Fraser is a cartoon character a la Jessica Rabbit T/F?
no subject
Date: 2008-08-03 12:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-03 02:09 am (UTC)RIFFTRAX!!! XD
no subject
Date: 2008-08-03 02:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-03 03:24 am (UTC)Because that's where I cracked up.
no subject
Date: 2008-08-03 04:33 am (UTC)we lost it too ^^
no subject
Date: 2008-08-03 03:32 pm (UTC)