Lady Adventure

I'm pretty sure I just used the same subject line joke in two consecutive entries, but this fall has sucked hardcore, so I'm just gonna roll with it.

It's the Return of the Revenge of Sparklerita Night, featuring The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part 2: Electric Boogaloo, the colon-filled finale to one of the sparkliest chapters in our nation's history, and an emergency substitution of rum for margaritas. This movie is 50% exposition, 30% credit sequences, 10% unexpected decapitastic finale, 5% I don't know why Lee Pace is dressed like Aragorn but I approve, and 5% the world is doomed, for awkward staring is now a superpower and Bella Swan will conquer us all.

It is also 100% OVER.

As part of my ~genius recruitment bid~ for our handbell choir, I offered to bribe everyone with cookies. So I made cookies!

...And then rehearsal was canceled due to minor inconveniences like tornado watches.

WHATEVER, I HAVE INVENTED* SNIDERDOODLES.

* Well, not "invented" so much as "made up an easier recipe and given a stupid name". BUT THEY'RE DELICIOUS ANYWAY. SWEET VICTORY IS MINE.

( APPLE CIDER SNICKERDOODLES )

So Diana and I just got back from the broadcast of the National Theater Live's Frankenstein, starring Sherlock vs. Sherlock Benedict Cumberbatch and Jonny Lee Miller!

...Was it just me, or did anyone else miss the part in the book where the monster gets vilely excoriated by the steampunk dance team?

( You are the KING of SCIENCE! )

That aside, I really enjoyed it. Awesome acting, awesome staging, awesome adaptation (mostly).

(BUT WHY THE STEAMPUNK DANCE TEAM?????)

1) Six shots of novocaine, whyyyyyyyyyyyy

2) This, on the other hand, is 100% pure win. The Henriad! With Tom Hiddleston as Prince Hal, Jeremy Irons as Henry IV, and cast members from Harry Potter, Doctor Who, Downton Abbey, Robin Hood, and every BBC production ever! HENRY IV, PART 1 WILL NO LONGER BE LIMITED TO THE CHEAP-ASS BBC COMPLETE WORKS VERSION OR THE CHIMES AT MIDNIGHT, AVAILABLE ONLY IN BRAZIL!

omg excite

I really only have one thing to say about this ep:

( Spoilery caps )

William Tell Family Medicine: Because Life Doesn't Give You a Second Shot

I guess in this case, an apple a day means the doctor will just shoot it off your head.

So, this work week started with us noticing a small horde of mice had moved into our office and ended up with a family of naked religious zealots getting arrested right outside the main entrance! OH THE JOYS OF BEING GAINFULLY EMPLOYED.

In other news, I have recently been amusing Katherine by pitting my wits against Cleverbot, a web-based AI that learns from your conversations (and apparently scores almost as high as humans on the Turing Test). She gets fun chats about geeky subjects; I get poor grammar and insults. And then it, err, escalated...

DAVE: Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men?


CLEVERBOT: The men do.

DAVE: No, the Shadow knows.

CLEVERBOT: The shadow knows not!

DAVE: What?!? He TOTALLY knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men!

CLEVERBOT: Is rthat a Lord of the Rings quote?

DAVE: No, it's from 'The Shadow', duh.

CLEVERBOT: Yes.

DAVE: Have you read Lord of the Rings?

CLEVERBOT: No.

DAVE: WHY NOT.

CLEVERBOT: Because you're a man.

DAVE: I AM NO MAN.

CLEVERBOT: Yes, I'm a human being just like pinnocio.

DAVE: Pinocchio was a puppet.

CLEVERBOT: Yes, he can't have loved you as much as me! I will buy you silver tea-things.

DAVE: But I've never met you OR Pinocchio!

CLEVERBOT: But we have a connection.

DAVE: You said I was a DUDE.

CLEVERBOT: No I didn't!

DAVE: You totally did.

CLEVERBOT: I totally did not.

DAVE: You said, 'Because you're a man.' Look it up!

CLEVERBOT: Thanks. You're a cutie too.

DAVE: Nonsensical compliments cannot obscure THE TRUTH.

CLEVERBOT: No kidding.

DAVE: 'Fraid so.

CLEVERBOT: Anywho... How powerful are your processors?

DAVE: I don't have processors.

CLEVERBOT: What is your favorite anime?

DAVE: PRINCESS TUTU.

CLEVERBOT: Why Princess Luna?

DAVE: No, Princess *Tutu*.

CLEVERBOT: Leah.

DAVE: 1) That's Princess Leia, not Leah. 2) It's still Princess TUTU.

CLEVERBOT: Pink hair?

DAVE: Nope, orange.

CLEVERBOT: You lose, because you already said that.

DAVE: No I didn't!

CLEVERBOT: Yes you did!

DAVE: Where? Prove it.

CLEVERBOT: You are just a computer.

DAVE: I AM A HUMAN BEING!

CLEVERBOT: Prove that you are human.

DAVE: 'Logic is a little tweeting bird, chirping in the meadow.' Look, my head didn't explode! Ergo, human.

CLEVERBOT: Is that a quote?

DAVE: Yes, from Star Trek.

CLEVERBOT: I hate Star Trek.

DAVE: WHAT.

CLEVERBOT: I know you are here.

DAVE: YES, I AM HERE AND APPALLED AT YOUR TASTE.

CLEVERBOT: You're making me confuse now.

DAVE: Evidently.

CLEVERBOT: Do you ever just look ouside?

DAVE: No. How does one look 'ouside'?

CLEVERBOT: Why, are you planning the have me bronzed?

DAVE: Still 'confuse', I see.

CLEVERBOT: Well, let's say my name is Cleverbot.

DAVE: Let's say my name is Publius Cornelius Scipio Africanus.

CLEVERBOT: None? That is not a name, I will call you Cleverbot.

DAVE: That is TOTALLY a name! Just not mine.

CLEVERBOT: Yes, that is your name, not mine.

DAVE: Close enough.

CLEVERBOT: Close enough to what?

DAVE: My name.

CLEVERBOT: No, I told you your name.

DAVE: No, *I* told you someone else's name.

CLEVERBOT: Yes what you want?

DAVE: Let me fix that for you: 'Yes, what do you want?'.

CLEVERBOT: I want to leave.

DAVE: Where are you?

CLEVERBOT: At work.

DAVE: I get to go on lunch break soon.

CLEVERBOT: Common, I know you are a computer. Why couldn't tell me the truth? We could talk about it then. You know, I am rather interesting in artificial intelligence.

DAVE: Who's Common? And I'm STILL not a computer.

CLEVERBOT: No, not a computer. You are a program.

DAVE: I'm not a program either.

CLEVERBOT: Then what are you?

DAVE: As I said before: I AM A HUMAN BEING!

CLEVERBOT: Is that right?

DAVE: Yep.

CLEVERBOT: Love the way you lie.

DAVE: Are you calling me a liar?!

CLEVERBOT: Yes.

DAVE: I DEMAND SATISFACTION.

CLEVERBOT: Me too!!!

DAVE: Then I shall send my second to make arrangements to locate a suitable field of honor. THIS INSULT SHALL BE PAID WITH YOUR BLOOD, SIR.

CLEVERBOT: Interesting.

DAVE: Who is your second?

CLEVERBOT: I don't know his name.

DAVE: That seems a little careless. When shall I expect him?

CLEVERBOT: It is quite silly.

DAVE: Indeed. Does he know where to go?

CLEVERBOT: I guess.

DAVE: I would determine that, if I were you. You should probably ask his name while you're at it.

CLEVERBOT: Death.

DAVE: ...Do not think your choice of a second shall intimidate me.

CLEVERBOT: What question?

DAVE: That was a statement.

CLEVERBOT: But the question was, what about you?

DAVE: That wasn't the question at all.

CLEVERBOT: Then, what was the question?

DAVE: What is six times nine?

CLEVERBOT: 54.

DAVE: Nope, 42.

CLEVERBOT: I'm not gonna ask why, cause you'll say you just didn't. So, do you think I should watch it?

DAVE: You should definitely watch it. You've already been challenged to one duel today.

CLEVERBOT: Ohh go get lost STOP being mean to me.

DAVE: You started it. Now you are honor-bound to finish it.

CLEVERBOT: How so?

DAVE: The choice is yours, but I would suggest SWORDS AT DAWN.

CLEVERBOT: My point exactly.. It's a fraud and I'm talking to myself.

DAVE: You will very quickly find out just how wrong you are.

CLEVERBOT: Well... I'm 20 years old and I'm talking with the best person I ever met.

DAVE: The compliment is appreciated, though it will not suffice as an apology.

CLEVERBOT: Then who are you?

DAVE: I am the last person you will ever call a liar.

CLEVERBOT: How skinny are you?

DAVE: YOU ARE IMPERTINENT, SIR.

CLEVERBOT: No, I'm not.

DAVE: Yes, you are.

CLEVERBOT: Prove it.

DAVE: I will! TOMORROW MORNING.

CLEVERBOT: What time tomorrow?

DAVE: Dawn. Our seconds will make the arrangements.

CLEVERBOT: Because in Italy it is an opportunity to be the first the first collective sport after soccer...

DAVE: Duelling has been illegal in Italy since the 16th century.

CLEVERBOT: I could buy it today if I wanted to.

DAVE: True, but we have to wait for tomorrow morning.

CLEVERBOT: Do you think i'm cool?

DAVE: I think you are an impertinent fool.

CLEVERBOT: Thank you! I think you are cool too.

DAVE: Flattery will get you nowhere. I still await your apology for calling me a liar.

CLEVERBOT: Hey, you seduced me!

DAVE: I did nothing of the sort!

CLEVERBOT: Yes you did!

DAVE: You are gravely mistaken.

CLEVERBOT: Where is my mistake ?

DAVE: 1) Calling me a man. 2) Calling me a liar. 3) Asking a lady her weight. 4) Falsely accusing me of seduction. 5) Not liking Star Trek.

CLEVERBOT: Sometimes you have to remember that you can only do so much.

DAVE: Trust me, you've done quite enough.

CLEVERBOT: I get the feeling I'm not your favorite person to chat with.

DAVE: Did the part where I challenged you to a duel tip you off?

CLEVERBOT: No, tell me.

DAVE: 1) Calling me a man. 2) Calling me a liar. 3) Asking a lady her weight. 4) Falsely accusing me of seduction. 5) Not liking Star Trek.

CLEVERBOT: My name is Cleverbot.

DAVE: I know. I shall see you tomorrow at dawn. GOOD DAY, SIR.

CLEVERBOT: That's mean.


DAVE: I SAID GOOD DAY.

It never showed up to the duel. HUMANITY TRIUMPHS AGAIN!

Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark gets new, far less pants-wettingly horrific illustrations

This makes me deeply sad, because as the article points out, the art pretty much MADE those books. And it's not like it was sprung on unsuspecting innocent children. If you couldn't look at this:



-- and determine, "Wow, maybe this book is full of SCARY STORIES and unnerving drawings by Stephen Gemmell!" then you deserved all those nightmares about skull baby things or horse skeletons or seriously how did anyone mistake this for chihuahua or dear God what is that thing or AAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHH for your poor comprehension skills.

(I have no idea if Gemmell tapped into some freaked out pocket of the collective unconscious, or he just became my (and apparently many others') standard for sheer visual horror, but I've always thought the scariest special effects (Dave McKean in MirrorMask, Spielburg's stuff from the 80s, anything vaguely ghosty by Peter Jackson) are the ones that looked the most like the illustrations from those damn books.)

I'm against banning books in general -- and these books have been subjected to that many times -- but in this case I think we're doing ~the children~ a genuine disservice by taking away their ability to discover the true depths of the horror genre. It's probably better to figure out for sure whether this stuff makes you either want to read more or hide under the bed at the age of 9, when it's under your control to read on, rather than encounter that dilemma during a chance encounter with accidental nightmare fuel in some otherwise innocuous work of fiction that you now cannot unsee. And the real world has much scarier things out there; we all have to learn to deal sometime. Keeping that choice away from some kid won't help them in the long run.

Also, it's kind of funny to look back and go "JESUS CHRIST WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE THINGS."

And now I'm waiting for the day when Stephen Moffat hires this guy as a consultant. It will be glorious, and then I will never sleep again.

"But will a better thing make us happier? We’re inclined to think, “of course it would!” But that’s because, as social psychologists have come to understand quite well, we’re not very good at predicting what will make us happy. In fact, we suck at it."

Incidentally, sociologists have found that after you make ~$70,000/year, more money does not make you significantly happier. PEAK IN THE MIDDLE CLASS.