Torchwood: EPIC FAIL - Episode 1x4
Jul. 19th, 2008 05:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shadydaveI have a real update too, I promise.
Torchwood, Series One: The EPIC FAIL Project
Episode 4: "Seriously, This Episode REALLY SUCKS" aka "Cyberwoman"
Rule #1 of TV: don't include an allusion to something that's actually good, or else you incur the "Ben Hur/Space Mutiny Effect", explained so aptly on MST3K:
MIKE: You know, a lot of people have compared this scene with the climactic chariot scene in Ben Hur.
CROW: Really?
MIKE: Yeah, you know they usually say, "Ben Hur was really good; this movie totally sucks!"
This is why it is a bad plan to open an episode of Torchwood with everyone playing basketball a la Firefly. However, at least Torchwood has their own official basketball net, for all those times when you need to play basketball with aliens for the fate of the entire species.
Also, I can't really tell if it's Gwen or the pterodactyl shrieking in this scene.
Anyways, the team (minus Ianto) wraps up their game and heads off to the pub. Ianto lurks around shadily and orders pizza:
IANTO: -- And a tub of coleslaw. My boss says I'm not eating enough vegetables.
Amusing as the image of Jack telling Ianto to eat more vegetables (or "vegetables", since it IS Captain Jack) is, who eats coleslaw with pizza?
A Japanese scientist arrives, and Ianto leads him down into the dungeons. Locked inside one of the rooms is, dun dun DUN, a PARTIALLY CONVERTED CYBERMAN! And by partially converted, I mean "wearing a metal bikini and high heels, SERIOUSLY WTF". SENSATIONALIST COSTUME FAIL.
Exhibit A: Cyberbikini
Exhibit B: Cyber-cuban heels
The soundtrack plays some Metallica tribute band "Ode to a Cyberwoman" crap, and we find out the Cyberwoman is none other than Ianto's girlfriend, Lisa.
Torchwood: Keeps their cyber-girlfriends locked in the basement!
Japanese dude is an expert at cybernetics, and Ianto called him to try to fix Lisa, who was partially upgraded at the Battle of Canary Wharf at the end of DW Series 2. They manage to get her off cyber-life support (Japanese dude copping a feel in the process), but then the rest of Torchwood unexpectedly returns (arguing about who gets to drive the Torchwoodmobile, heh), so Ianto hides both Lisa and the Japanese dude back in the basement.
Every geek's dream: getting to second with a robot woman
No one notices anything until they start losing power. It seems Lisa got bored with waiting and started to upgrade Japanese dude in gratitude to pass the time. Oops! Ianto goes to "investigate" the "mysterious" power failure and understandably flips out when he finds the dead guy. He tells Lisa not to kill anyone else (because that always works) and goes to hide the body.
Lisa, however, starts recharging herself and drains the power again. Jack tries to contact Ianto:
JACK: Ianto, I need to hear those beautiful Welsh vowels!
IANTO: ::cries, does not stop for the rest of the episode::
Torchwood finally notices they have an intruder, so Gwen and Owen go to investigate. Tosh and Jack discover that someone has been deleting CCTV footage:
JACK: See, now I'm starting to get a little peeved. These people come into my house, start using my things ...
...and then they realize it's Ianto, and are all "WTF?". Owen and Gwen find the cyber-conversion unit; Owen flips out, then tells Jack, who also flips out. Then Lisa pops up, knocks out Owen (hurrah!), disarms Gwen laughably easily, and starts trying to convert her into a cyberman. Jack runs in to save the day, but not without first making some trenchant observations:
JACK: You're a woman!
Dear Chris Chibnall, writer of "Cyberwoman":
FAIL.
Sincerely,
Me
Jack starts to shoot at Lisa, but Ianto stops him, and she escapes. They have to shut off all the power to free Gwen, and the base locks down, trapping everyone inside.
They regroup with Tosh, and Jack questions Ianto, to hilarious effect:
JACK: You hid a Cyberman within Torchwood?! And you didn't tell us?!
The point of hiding is that you're not SUPPOSED to tell anyone, Jack, although with Torchwood's track record I can see why this is a hard concept to grasp. Also, this might be the MOST RETARDED THING he has ever said, and there is some good competition.
Anyways, Ianto kept Lisa a secret because he was afraid Torchwood would just kill her, which again, given their track record, is probably true. Ianto insists that they can still help her, while Jack points out that she's more machine now than man, twisted and evil.
Lisa turns up to settle the debate: she's going to use the Hub as her base for cyber-WORLD DOMINATION. Ianto cries some more and tries to reason with her:
IANTO: Lisa, please. I brought you here to heal you. So we could be together.
LISA: Together. Yes. Transplant my brain into your body. The two of us ... together. Fused. We'll be one complete person. Isn't that what love is?
IANTO: ::cries:: No.
LISA: Then we are not compatible. ::throws across room::
Hell of a break-up.
Lisa turns on the rest of the team, which is their signal to implement "Code 9 maneuvers!" which I take to mean "panic and run away!" Gwen, however, has contracted plot stupidity and just kind of stands there while Lisa advances until Owen rescues her. They regroup, and Jack sends Tosh off to restore power, and Owen and Gwen to get sharp objects from the autopsy room, while he provides a diversion. His diversion is, of course, getting electrocuted by Lisa repeatedly. Unfortunately, Gwen has infected Owen and Tosh with plot stupidity, and they all hang around watching Jack die, TOTALLY NEGATING THE PURPOSE OF A DIVERSION. FAIL.
Tosh escapes, and Owen and Gwen hide in a cabinet. In true Torchwood fashion, Owen seizes the chance to kiss Gwen, while Jack performs "CPR" on Ianto, who probably wasn't aware that much tongue was needed. However, Gwen and Owen's "oh-crap-we're-gonna-die-let's-make-out!" session is interrupted when her phone rings, because SHE ALWAYS HAS IT ON AT WORK MY GOD WOMAN WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.
GWEN COOPER, YOUR CELL PHONE HAS FAILED ME FOR THE LAST TIME.
Jack's make-out session is much more successful and Ianto regains consciousness. Owen stabs Lisa with a sharp object and they all run away. Owen sounds very annoyed when finds out Jack is still alive ("YOU'RE supposed to be dead!"), probably a symptom of everyone's ACTING FAIL. They escape on the invisible lift while Jack distracts Lisa by covering her in barbecue sauce, which causes the pterodactyl to swoop down and try to eat her.
A fight between the dinosaur and the killer robot woman ensues. WIN.
Outside, Ianto yells at Jack for trying to kill his girlfriend and vows revenge, while Jack yells at Ianto for trying to unleash alien terror upon the unsuspecting populace, which, PS, FAILS. (Torchwood needs one of those signs that says "2 days since our last accident!", except of course it would say "2 days since our last accidental unleashing of alien terror upon the unsuspecting populace!") Tosh points out she managed to turn the power back on, which means they can get back in, so Ianto takes off for the entrance and everyone chases him.
Meanwhile, Ianto's pizza has arrived, and Lisa, who is still alive, lures the pizza girl down into the base. All this is secondary, however, to the fact that she FORGOT THE COLESLAW.
NO COLESLAW!
Jack tells Ianto that he has to be a team player and shoot his girlfriend. Ianto refuses, so Jack says that either he shoots Lisa in the next 10 minutes, or Jack shoots them both. Ianto goes and everyone else yells at Jack for being so mean.
Ianto finds Lisa's dead body, and waterfalls of angst pour down his face. Again. However, Lisa has transferred her brain into the pizza girl:
IANTO: You're not Lisa.
LISA: You always said you didn't love me for what I looked like. Last time you said that, it was a Saturday. We were hungover. You made cheese toasties, and moaned I hadn't de-scaled my kettle. That night, we camped on a beach in Brittany. It got so freezing we wore our coats and shared one sleeping bag. When we woke up the next morning, a dog was pissing on our tent.
Basically, the world hates Ianto.
Ianto tries to shoot her, but can't. Lisa tells him "We can be upgraded together!" and then the rest of Torchwood shoots her in a show of solidarity. Cue more waterfalls of angst.
The episode ends with Gwen questioning whether Jack actually would shoot any of them, and Jack saying that getting electrocuted was actually kind of exciting, because he thought he might actually die. Ianto, meanwhile, gets to clean up. THE END.
Additional note: I suspect that this book was not only the inspiration for a pivotal scene of the episode, but is also way more awesome and probably better written.
Of course, any robot on Torchwood would totally go commando.
Oh no! Lisa catches you and straps you into the cyber-converter. As the whirling blades draw closer, you reflect upon the many foolish choices you made that led to your, and humanity's, imminent doom. BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME.
The Fail Scale
FAIL:
- Unleashing alien terror upon the unsuspecting populace AGAIN FAIL
- Terrible writing FAIL
- Plot stupidity FAIL
- Cell phone FAIL
- Acting FAIL
- METAL BIKINI AND HIGH HEELS FAIL
WIN:
- PTERODACTYL VS. KILLER ROBOT WOMAN
TOTAL SCORE: -5
Death by Torchwood:
3: Japanese dude, pizza girl, and Lisa (who has the dubious honor of two different Torchwoods contributing to her death)
Captain's Blog: Security: Torchwood location revealed to "Jubilee Pizza" staff. Again.
Next Episode: Fairies. No, seriously.
The Torchwood: EPIC FAIL Project Table o' Contents!
Torchwood, Series One: The EPIC FAIL Project
Episode 4: "Seriously, This Episode REALLY SUCKS" aka "Cyberwoman"
Rule #1 of TV: don't include an allusion to something that's actually good, or else you incur the "Ben Hur/Space Mutiny Effect", explained so aptly on MST3K:
MIKE: You know, a lot of people have compared this scene with the climactic chariot scene in Ben Hur.
CROW: Really?
MIKE: Yeah, you know they usually say, "Ben Hur was really good; this movie totally sucks!"
This is why it is a bad plan to open an episode of Torchwood with everyone playing basketball a la Firefly. However, at least Torchwood has their own official basketball net, for all those times when you need to play basketball with aliens for the fate of the entire species.
Also, I can't really tell if it's Gwen or the pterodactyl shrieking in this scene.
Anyways, the team (minus Ianto) wraps up their game and heads off to the pub. Ianto lurks around shadily and orders pizza:
IANTO: -- And a tub of coleslaw. My boss says I'm not eating enough vegetables.
Amusing as the image of Jack telling Ianto to eat more vegetables (or "vegetables", since it IS Captain Jack) is, who eats coleslaw with pizza?
A Japanese scientist arrives, and Ianto leads him down into the dungeons. Locked inside one of the rooms is, dun dun DUN, a PARTIALLY CONVERTED CYBERMAN! And by partially converted, I mean "wearing a metal bikini and high heels, SERIOUSLY WTF". SENSATIONALIST COSTUME FAIL.
Exhibit A: Cyberbikini
Exhibit B: Cyber-cuban heels
The soundtrack plays some Metallica tribute band "Ode to a Cyberwoman" crap, and we find out the Cyberwoman is none other than Ianto's girlfriend, Lisa.
Torchwood: Keeps their cyber-girlfriends locked in the basement!
Japanese dude is an expert at cybernetics, and Ianto called him to try to fix Lisa, who was partially upgraded at the Battle of Canary Wharf at the end of DW Series 2. They manage to get her off cyber-life support (Japanese dude copping a feel in the process), but then the rest of Torchwood unexpectedly returns (arguing about who gets to drive the Torchwoodmobile, heh), so Ianto hides both Lisa and the Japanese dude back in the basement.
Every geek's dream: getting to second with a robot woman
No one notices anything until they start losing power. It seems Lisa got bored with waiting and started to upgrade Japanese dude in gratitude to pass the time. Oops! Ianto goes to "investigate" the "mysterious" power failure and understandably flips out when he finds the dead guy. He tells Lisa not to kill anyone else (because that always works) and goes to hide the body.
Lisa, however, starts recharging herself and drains the power again. Jack tries to contact Ianto:
JACK: Ianto, I need to hear those beautiful Welsh vowels!
IANTO: ::cries, does not stop for the rest of the episode::
Torchwood finally notices they have an intruder, so Gwen and Owen go to investigate. Tosh and Jack discover that someone has been deleting CCTV footage:
JACK: See, now I'm starting to get a little peeved. These people come into my house, start using my things ...
...and then they realize it's Ianto, and are all "WTF?". Owen and Gwen find the cyber-conversion unit; Owen flips out, then tells Jack, who also flips out. Then Lisa pops up, knocks out Owen (hurrah!), disarms Gwen laughably easily, and starts trying to convert her into a cyberman. Jack runs in to save the day, but not without first making some trenchant observations:
JACK: You're a woman!
Dear Chris Chibnall, writer of "Cyberwoman":
FAIL.
Sincerely,
Me
Jack starts to shoot at Lisa, but Ianto stops him, and she escapes. They have to shut off all the power to free Gwen, and the base locks down, trapping everyone inside.
They regroup with Tosh, and Jack questions Ianto, to hilarious effect:
JACK: You hid a Cyberman within Torchwood?! And you didn't tell us?!
The point of hiding is that you're not SUPPOSED to tell anyone, Jack, although with Torchwood's track record I can see why this is a hard concept to grasp. Also, this might be the MOST RETARDED THING he has ever said, and there is some good competition.
Anyways, Ianto kept Lisa a secret because he was afraid Torchwood would just kill her, which again, given their track record, is probably true. Ianto insists that they can still help her, while Jack points out that she's more machine now than man, twisted and evil.
Lisa turns up to settle the debate: she's going to use the Hub as her base for cyber-WORLD DOMINATION. Ianto cries some more and tries to reason with her:
IANTO: Lisa, please. I brought you here to heal you. So we could be together.
LISA: Together. Yes. Transplant my brain into your body. The two of us ... together. Fused. We'll be one complete person. Isn't that what love is?
IANTO: ::cries:: No.
LISA: Then we are not compatible. ::throws across room::
Hell of a break-up.
Lisa turns on the rest of the team, which is their signal to implement "Code 9 maneuvers!" which I take to mean "panic and run away!" Gwen, however, has contracted plot stupidity and just kind of stands there while Lisa advances until Owen rescues her. They regroup, and Jack sends Tosh off to restore power, and Owen and Gwen to get sharp objects from the autopsy room, while he provides a diversion. His diversion is, of course, getting electrocuted by Lisa repeatedly. Unfortunately, Gwen has infected Owen and Tosh with plot stupidity, and they all hang around watching Jack die, TOTALLY NEGATING THE PURPOSE OF A DIVERSION. FAIL.
Tosh escapes, and Owen and Gwen hide in a cabinet. In true Torchwood fashion, Owen seizes the chance to kiss Gwen, while Jack performs "CPR" on Ianto, who probably wasn't aware that much tongue was needed. However, Gwen and Owen's "oh-crap-we're-gonna-die-let's-make-out!" session is interrupted when her phone rings, because SHE ALWAYS HAS IT ON AT WORK MY GOD WOMAN WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.
GWEN COOPER, YOUR CELL PHONE HAS FAILED ME FOR THE LAST TIME.
Jack's make-out session is much more successful and Ianto regains consciousness. Owen stabs Lisa with a sharp object and they all run away. Owen sounds very annoyed when finds out Jack is still alive ("YOU'RE supposed to be dead!"), probably a symptom of everyone's ACTING FAIL. They escape on the invisible lift while Jack distracts Lisa by covering her in barbecue sauce, which causes the pterodactyl to swoop down and try to eat her.
A fight between the dinosaur and the killer robot woman ensues. WIN.
Outside, Ianto yells at Jack for trying to kill his girlfriend and vows revenge, while Jack yells at Ianto for trying to unleash alien terror upon the unsuspecting populace, which, PS, FAILS. (Torchwood needs one of those signs that says "2 days since our last accident!", except of course it would say "2 days since our last accidental unleashing of alien terror upon the unsuspecting populace!") Tosh points out she managed to turn the power back on, which means they can get back in, so Ianto takes off for the entrance and everyone chases him.
Meanwhile, Ianto's pizza has arrived, and Lisa, who is still alive, lures the pizza girl down into the base. All this is secondary, however, to the fact that she FORGOT THE COLESLAW.
NO COLESLAW!
Jack tells Ianto that he has to be a team player and shoot his girlfriend. Ianto refuses, so Jack says that either he shoots Lisa in the next 10 minutes, or Jack shoots them both. Ianto goes and everyone else yells at Jack for being so mean.
Ianto finds Lisa's dead body, and waterfalls of angst pour down his face. Again. However, Lisa has transferred her brain into the pizza girl:
IANTO: You're not Lisa.
LISA: You always said you didn't love me for what I looked like. Last time you said that, it was a Saturday. We were hungover. You made cheese toasties, and moaned I hadn't de-scaled my kettle. That night, we camped on a beach in Brittany. It got so freezing we wore our coats and shared one sleeping bag. When we woke up the next morning, a dog was pissing on our tent.
Basically, the world hates Ianto.
Ianto tries to shoot her, but can't. Lisa tells him "We can be upgraded together!" and then the rest of Torchwood shoots her in a show of solidarity. Cue more waterfalls of angst.
The episode ends with Gwen questioning whether Jack actually would shoot any of them, and Jack saying that getting electrocuted was actually kind of exciting, because he thought he might actually die. Ianto, meanwhile, gets to clean up. THE END.
Additional note: I suspect that this book was not only the inspiration for a pivotal scene of the episode, but is also way more awesome and probably better written.
Of course, any robot on Torchwood would totally go commando.
Oh no! Lisa catches you and straps you into the cyber-converter. As the whirling blades draw closer, you reflect upon the many foolish choices you made that led to your, and humanity's, imminent doom. BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME.
The Fail Scale
FAIL:
- Unleashing alien terror upon the unsuspecting populace AGAIN FAIL
- Terrible writing FAIL
- Plot stupidity FAIL
- Cell phone FAIL
- Acting FAIL
- METAL BIKINI AND HIGH HEELS FAIL
WIN:
- PTERODACTYL VS. KILLER ROBOT WOMAN
TOTAL SCORE: -5
Death by Torchwood:
3: Japanese dude, pizza girl, and Lisa (who has the dubious honor of two different Torchwoods contributing to her death)
Captain's Blog: Security: Torchwood location revealed to "Jubilee Pizza" staff. Again.
Next Episode: Fairies. No, seriously.
The Torchwood: EPIC FAIL Project Table o' Contents!
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2008-07-19 09:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-19 11:03 pm (UTC)Seriously, the world does hate Ianto. This is probably why he had to learn to kick ass and STUN PEOPLE IN THE HEAD. It does *not* explain what he's doing with Jack, except that any sentence that includes both "relationship" and "Captain Jack Harkness" is pretty much guaranteed to end badly, so maybe it does.
In conclusion: Torchwood would be a lot more entertaining if Ianto were pretty when he cries. They should get some lessons from SPN about the art of manly crying.
no subject
Date: 2008-07-19 11:18 pm (UTC)They clearly WATCH SPooN, and yet absorb none of its awesomeness. I don't even know.
no subject
Date: 2008-07-19 11:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-20 12:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-20 01:43 am (UTC)Also, if she did die, then they somehow forgot to include a huge dead pterodactyl in the mess at the end of the episode.
no subject
Date: 2008-07-20 02:55 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-20 04:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-21 12:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-21 01:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-21 01:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-09-29 05:02 am (UTC)P.S. I did not mind Owen's alien cologne in ep 1 only because he was an equal oppertunity sleazeball and took the boyfriend home too.
no subject
Date: 2008-09-29 11:14 pm (UTC)P.S. I did not mind Owen's alien cologne in ep 1 only because he was an equal oppertunity sleazeball and took the boyfriend home too.
"Equal Oppurtunity Sleazeball" should totally go on his resume :D. I think I remember reading that they were trying to parody stuff like Axe body spray and perfume commercials, which can I see, but it came off a little too close to roofies and the like for my comfort.
no subject
Date: 2008-09-29 09:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-09-29 11:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-09 08:18 am (UTC)That cyberchick-pterodactyl fight was hysterical. xD
no subject
Date: 2008-10-09 09:03 pm (UTC)Thanks for dropping by!
no subject
Date: 2008-10-14 10:32 pm (UTC)Thanks:)
no subject
Date: 2008-10-14 10:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-31 08:43 pm (UTC)