Torchwood: EPIC FAIL - Episode 1x3
Jul. 17th, 2008 12:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shadydaveTorchwood, Series One: The EPIC FAIL Project
Episode 3: "Help! Flashbacks!" aka "Ghost Machine"
I think it's time to talk about Torchwood's little opening spiel:
JACK: Torchwood. Outside the Government, beyond the police. Tracking down alien life on Earth, arming the human race against the future. The 21st century is when everything changes, and you've got to be ready.
Amusingly, Suzie still appears in the opening montage despite being an ex-member of Torchwood, and they seem to think that the pterodactyl qualifies as alien life. Of course, it ends with a shot of the "usual formation":
Exhibit A: Look alive, everyone -- oh, sorry, Suzie.
Exhibit B: Now stride purposefully towards the camera in slow motion with a vague expression of "durrrrrrrr"!
We open with some guy running away from Owen and Gwen. Given Owen's behavior in the last two episodes, and Gwen's facial expression --
-- I think this is perfectly reasonable. For some reason, epic pirate music plays. Tosh is monitoring the CCTV with her 1337 skillz and tells them helpful things like "Suspect's male, wearing a HOODIE!" Shocking.
Gwen fails to catch the guy but does catch his hoodie (or HOODIE!), and retrieves the alien doo-hickey in his pocket they were really after. It lights upand spins! so of course Gwen pushes a button, because randomly pushing buttons is CLEARLY what you're supposed to do with unidentified alien doo-hickeys. She suddenly finds herself in a train station circa WWII with a sad little boy, all alone, who does not actually say "Are you my mummy?" but might as well. Then Gwen is zapped back to the present, all ZOMG GHOSTS!
Torchwood decides to investigate the lost little boy ghost, but before they can do elaborate database searching, Owen finds him in the phonebook. Everyone is shocked.
TORCHWOOD: Surprised by phonebooks!
Gwen interviews the now old guy and finds out he was sent to Cardiff during the Blitz, and one night he was accidentally left in the train station. But then people found him, and he lived happily ever after.
Lamest "ghost" story ever, or lamest "ghost" story ever? Only you, the audience, can decide!
Torchwood decides to find the HOODIE! guy, in hopes that he can tell them where he got the "ghost" machine, which has decided not to light upand spin! anymore. HOODIE! guy's name is Sean "Bernie" Harris (because he likes to burn things, apparently) and he lives in... Splott.
OWEN: Splott?
IANTO: I believe estate agents pronounce it "Sploe".
Gwen, Owen, Tosh, and Jack go looking for Bernie, because Ianto is apparently not allowed to leave the Hub or appear in episodes, really. Sadly, the search for "Bernie Harris, the Scarlet Pimpernel of Splott" does not go well, and Gwen, Owen, and Tosh take a break to eat pasties. Jack looks utterly betrayed.
Pasty Betrayal:
Jack decides they should go back to the train station and try to replicate Gwen's experience, since they pretty much fail at finding 19-year-old petty criminals, but as they're walking under a bridge, it lights upand spins! again, so Owen pushes the button. This time, Owen watches the prelude to the rape/murder of a young woman from the '60s by a man with a truly frightening pompadour. This upsets Owen greatly, showing that even he is not that evil and perverted (or possibly that he condemns all sexual deviance in people that are not him, I don't know). He expresses his extreme distress by hyperventilating. ACTING!
Back at the Hub, they find the identity of the girl who was killed, and learn that her case never went to trial. Owen wants to reopen it, since he knows the name of the killer (Ed Morgan), except there are 2 problems: there are a billion Ed Morgans, and most courts don't accept "Yeah, I saw the whole thing on a ghost machine!" testimony. Meanwhile, Jack figures out that the "ghost" machine is a "quantum transducer", which basically means it converts emotional energy into visions. He yells at Owen to drop the case and go home, which is totally going to work, yeah.
Meanwhile, he teaches Gwen how to shoot:
GWEN: I'm sorry, it's just ... I don't even kill spiders in the bath.
JACK: Nor do I, not with a gun.
Gwen has some difficulty as she keeps having Moments with Jack standing behind her, but eventually she manages to shoot with enough glee to make the Doctor curl up in a little ball and cry.
Meanwhile, we get definite proof that Jack is a homeless weirdo:
GWEN: When do you get to go home? You seem to live here. You don't, do you?
JACK: Gotta be ready, the 21st century's when it all changes. And I hate to commute.
GWEN: Where do you sleep?
JACK: I don't.
DORK.
Gwen goes home and plays with the "ghost" machine because Torchwood employees STILL have a problem with not kleptoing office supplies. It shows happy moments between her and Rhys. SHOCK AND HORROR!
Owen, however, is getting attacked by flashbacks of his vision. While chugging out of what suspiciously looks like a bottle of Bailey's, he finds a likely suspect out of all the files he's stolen from work (seriously, these guys have a PROBLEM), grabs the telephone book, and takes off into the night. (Side note: Owen has an entire case of fake IDs a la Dean Winchester, and is making his "Blue Steel" face on ALL OF THEM).
He finally finds the right guy and confronts him, making weird faces at Ed Morgan until he confesses. They are BOTH attacked by flashbacks, and Ed Morgan -- now very old and very crazy -- gets increasing freaked out and yells at Owen to go away, which he does, obligingly enough.
Conveniently, Owen finds the elusive Bernie right outside, and chases him. Hilariously, he keeps getting slowed down from smashing people's groceries and running through the middle of their soccer games, but eventually catches Bernie. The rest of the team arrives and Bernie tells them that the "ghost" machine belonged to some old guy who died and had loads of weird (i.e. alien) stuff, and that there's another half... which showed himself dead in the not-too-distant future. They put the two pieces of the "ghost" machine together and are leaving when the whole thing begins to light upand spin! and Gwen, of course, pushes the button, despite Jack yelling "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" and running in slow motion.
TORCHWOOD: Cannot refrain from randomly pressing buttons!
Gwen has a vision of herself with bloody hands, babbling about Owen and killing someone. There is some serious ACTING! going on here, so it's quite understandable when she gets really freaked out about the vision.
This marks the point when the episode becomes 90% flashbacks to things we have just seen and FAILS. Eventually, Torchwood realizes that Bernie also saw the rape/murder thing and tried to blackmail Ed Morgan, who comes to kill Bernie (hence Bernie's vision of his death). Owen stops Ed, but has a bit of a crazy moment as he fights back to the urge to go all vigilante on a rapist/murderer. Gwen takes the knife from Owen, but crazy rapist/murderer Ed lunges at her and impales himself. Gwen reverts to totally flipping out, a la her vision, and this would be more effective if 1) there was less ACTING!, 2) her reaction did not seem so totally out proportion to a crazy rapist/murderer basically killing himself, albeit via her hand and 3) she was not standing in front of a random kitchen sink. Seriously, WTF.
Everything but the
Torchwood reconvenes to discuss in a serious manner the events of the day, like the implications of the "ghost" machines and knowing about the future and stuff, and I'm sure it's all very deep, but I'm far more amused by the random PSA by Jack's desk:
TORCHWOOD: Fails at alien stuff, but has good hygiene!
The episode ends with Jack telling Gwen that seriously, it's not her fault that Ed the crazy rapist/murderer died, but Gwen refuses to buy it, so they end up talking about how there are thousands of people having EXPERIENCES with FEELINGS (gasp!) which they just have to live with, especially if they're going to wander around pressing buttons. THE END.
The Fail Scale
FAIL:
- FLASHBACK ABUSE FAIL
- Gwen accidentally kills an old rapist, attacked by ACTING! FAIL
- TOTALLY LAME GHOST STORIES FAIL
WIN:
- Splott
- "Coughs and sneezes spread diseases"
TOTAL SCORE: -1
Death by Torchwood:
0, because THE CRAZY OLD RAPIST/MURDERER DOES NOT COUNT
Captain's Blog: Other issues: According to Ianto, Splott is pronounced "Sploe". I think Ianto may have been lying.
Next Episode: Ripped from the headlines: cyber-girlfriend locked in basement!
The Torchwood: EPIC FAIL Project Table o' Contents!
Episode 3: "Help! Flashbacks!" aka "Ghost Machine"
I think it's time to talk about Torchwood's little opening spiel:
JACK: Torchwood. Outside the Government, beyond the police. Tracking down alien life on Earth, arming the human race against the future. The 21st century is when everything changes, and you've got to be ready.
Amusingly, Suzie still appears in the opening montage despite being an ex-member of Torchwood, and they seem to think that the pterodactyl qualifies as alien life. Of course, it ends with a shot of the "usual formation":
Exhibit A: Look alive, everyone -- oh, sorry, Suzie.
Exhibit B: Now stride purposefully towards the camera in slow motion with a vague expression of "durrrrrrrr"!
We open with some guy running away from Owen and Gwen. Given Owen's behavior in the last two episodes, and Gwen's facial expression --
-- I think this is perfectly reasonable. For some reason, epic pirate music plays. Tosh is monitoring the CCTV with her 1337 skillz and tells them helpful things like "Suspect's male, wearing a HOODIE!" Shocking.
Gwen fails to catch the guy but does catch his hoodie (or HOODIE!), and retrieves the alien doo-hickey in his pocket they were really after. It lights up
Torchwood decides to investigate the lost little boy ghost, but before they can do elaborate database searching, Owen finds him in the phonebook. Everyone is shocked.
TORCHWOOD: Surprised by phonebooks!
Gwen interviews the now old guy and finds out he was sent to Cardiff during the Blitz, and one night he was accidentally left in the train station. But then people found him, and he lived happily ever after.
Lamest "ghost" story ever, or lamest "ghost" story ever? Only you, the audience, can decide!
Torchwood decides to find the HOODIE! guy, in hopes that he can tell them where he got the "ghost" machine, which has decided not to light up
OWEN: Splott?
IANTO: I believe estate agents pronounce it "Sploe".
Gwen, Owen, Tosh, and Jack go looking for Bernie, because Ianto is apparently not allowed to leave the Hub or appear in episodes, really. Sadly, the search for "Bernie Harris, the Scarlet Pimpernel of Splott" does not go well, and Gwen, Owen, and Tosh take a break to eat pasties. Jack looks utterly betrayed.
Pasty Betrayal:
Jack decides they should go back to the train station and try to replicate Gwen's experience, since they pretty much fail at finding 19-year-old petty criminals, but as they're walking under a bridge, it lights up
Back at the Hub, they find the identity of the girl who was killed, and learn that her case never went to trial. Owen wants to reopen it, since he knows the name of the killer (Ed Morgan), except there are 2 problems: there are a billion Ed Morgans, and most courts don't accept "Yeah, I saw the whole thing on a ghost machine!" testimony. Meanwhile, Jack figures out that the "ghost" machine is a "quantum transducer", which basically means it converts emotional energy into visions. He yells at Owen to drop the case and go home, which is totally going to work, yeah.
Meanwhile, he teaches Gwen how to shoot:
GWEN: I'm sorry, it's just ... I don't even kill spiders in the bath.
JACK: Nor do I, not with a gun.
Gwen has some difficulty as she keeps having Moments with Jack standing behind her, but eventually she manages to shoot with enough glee to make the Doctor curl up in a little ball and cry.
Meanwhile, we get definite proof that Jack is a homeless weirdo:
GWEN: When do you get to go home? You seem to live here. You don't, do you?
JACK: Gotta be ready, the 21st century's when it all changes. And I hate to commute.
GWEN: Where do you sleep?
JACK: I don't.
DORK.
Gwen goes home and plays with the "ghost" machine because Torchwood employees STILL have a problem with not kleptoing office supplies. It shows happy moments between her and Rhys. SHOCK AND HORROR!
Owen, however, is getting attacked by flashbacks of his vision. While chugging out of what suspiciously looks like a bottle of Bailey's, he finds a likely suspect out of all the files he's stolen from work (seriously, these guys have a PROBLEM), grabs the telephone book, and takes off into the night. (Side note: Owen has an entire case of fake IDs a la Dean Winchester, and is making his "Blue Steel" face on ALL OF THEM).
He finally finds the right guy and confronts him, making weird faces at Ed Morgan until he confesses. They are BOTH attacked by flashbacks, and Ed Morgan -- now very old and very crazy -- gets increasing freaked out and yells at Owen to go away, which he does, obligingly enough.
Conveniently, Owen finds the elusive Bernie right outside, and chases him. Hilariously, he keeps getting slowed down from smashing people's groceries and running through the middle of their soccer games, but eventually catches Bernie. The rest of the team arrives and Bernie tells them that the "ghost" machine belonged to some old guy who died and had loads of weird (i.e. alien) stuff, and that there's another half... which showed himself dead in the not-too-distant future. They put the two pieces of the "ghost" machine together and are leaving when the whole thing begins to light up
TORCHWOOD: Cannot refrain from randomly pressing buttons!
Gwen has a vision of herself with bloody hands, babbling about Owen and killing someone. There is some serious ACTING! going on here, so it's quite understandable when she gets really freaked out about the vision.
This marks the point when the episode becomes 90% flashbacks to things we have just seen and FAILS. Eventually, Torchwood realizes that Bernie also saw the rape/murder thing and tried to blackmail Ed Morgan, who comes to kill Bernie (hence Bernie's vision of his death). Owen stops Ed, but has a bit of a crazy moment as he fights back to the urge to go all vigilante on a rapist/murderer. Gwen takes the knife from Owen, but crazy rapist/murderer Ed lunges at her and impales himself. Gwen reverts to totally flipping out, a la her vision, and this would be more effective if 1) there was less ACTING!, 2) her reaction did not seem so totally out proportion to a crazy rapist/murderer basically killing himself, albeit via her hand and 3) she was not standing in front of a random kitchen sink. Seriously, WTF.
Everything but the
Torchwood reconvenes to discuss in a serious manner the events of the day, like the implications of the "ghost" machines and knowing about the future and stuff, and I'm sure it's all very deep, but I'm far more amused by the random PSA by Jack's desk:
TORCHWOOD: Fails at alien stuff, but has good hygiene!
The episode ends with Jack telling Gwen that seriously, it's not her fault that Ed the crazy rapist/murderer died, but Gwen refuses to buy it, so they end up talking about how there are thousands of people having EXPERIENCES with FEELINGS (gasp!) which they just have to live with, especially if they're going to wander around pressing buttons. THE END.
The Fail Scale
FAIL:
- FLASHBACK ABUSE FAIL
- Gwen accidentally kills an old rapist, attacked by ACTING! FAIL
- TOTALLY LAME GHOST STORIES FAIL
WIN:
- Splott
- "Coughs and sneezes spread diseases"
TOTAL SCORE: -1
Death by Torchwood:
0, because THE CRAZY OLD RAPIST/MURDERER DOES NOT COUNT
Captain's Blog: Other issues: According to Ianto, Splott is pronounced "Sploe". I think Ianto may have been lying.
Next Episode: Ripped from the headlines: cyber-girlfriend locked in basement!
The Torchwood: EPIC FAIL Project Table o' Contents!
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2008-07-18 12:07 am (UTC)And nothing at all about Ianto.
Remind me why I'm supposed to care about these people again?
(Also, imagine Tosh's description of Sam Winchester: "Suspect's male, wearing a HOODIE! And PANTS! And he's really TALL! And there's some kind of growth on his HEAD!" Thank you, Tosh.)
In conclusion: I would rather watch BSG's attack flashbacks on loop a hundred times - because they will never stop being funny - than ever think about this episode again. Because it had very few redeeming qualities.
no subject
Date: 2008-07-18 12:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-19 03:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-18 04:13 pm (UTC)I thought you didn't like "Scar"!
no subject
Date: 2008-07-18 09:59 pm (UTC)I didn't, because flashback abuse is a very serious problem for which you [ie BSG] should seek help, but the real problem with "Scar" is less the attack flashbacks and more the fact that it lacks emotional continuity with ANY EPISODE REMOTELY NEAR IT IN THE CHRONOLOGY. It's like "hey, remember when Starbuck was having all these emotional problems TEN EPISODES AGO? You don't? That's okay, because we have FLASHBACKS!"
Lame.
no subject
Date: 2008-07-19 03:13 am (UTC)Also I was joking.