shadydave | Dude, you can't poke her with a stick!

Today was my last day of work! Huzzah! I finally got around to burning myself some cds to listen to, so I had awesome music, and exams started, so things weren't too busy (aside from a bunch of parents who were wondering why their kids were home from school...) and dad didn't yell at me when I was crocheting! About the only thing that sucked was the MOTHER OF ALL PAPERCUTS I received FROM MY OWN STUFF. BETRAYAL!

Anyways, in honor of my work ethic (which according to my dad's secretary is in doubt because I got to work 5 minutes late the other day) I present to you Dave's Rules of Telephone Etiquette: Calling the Switchboard

Rule 1: Be Polite

- Keep in mind that I am just a receptionist. Odds are, I had nothing to do with your student's grades/truancy/lost homework/confiscated cell phone/detention/suspension/expulsion, so stop taking out your rage ~~at your child's and your own inadequacies~~ on me. I can only connect you to the extension of the object of your wrath.

- Along those lines, while I am paid to be polite to you, I am not paid that much. Seriously, stop yelling at me. It's not a fair fight if I can't yell back, and I don't get paid nearly enough to put up with your crap.

Rule 2: Be Informative, Yet Concise

- If you don't know to whom you should speak, offer a short summary of your situation. This should be NO LONGER than 2 sentences (preferably in the style of Hemingway). Please DO NOT give rambling play-by-plays of your epic journey of school-related problems or useless background information.

GOOD: "My student isn't doing well in his/her classes and I need to speak to someone about his/her grades."
BAD: "My daughter just called me from her cell phone. She's in her center and she says she's sick. She wants to go to the nurses' office but they won't let her go and sent her to the center instead. She says she's throwing up a lot. To tell you the truth, honestly, I think she's pregnant."

- If you've already spoken to someone and don't want to speak with them again, please mention them.

GOOD: "My student is doing poorly. I've already discussed his/her grads with his/her teachers, but I'd like to speak with someone else."
BAD:
Caller: I'd like to speak to someone about my son.
Me: Ok, I'll connect you to his counselor.
Caller: No, I already spoke to her. I need to talk to someone else.
Me: Would you like to speak to the lead teacher of his grade?
Caller: No, I talked to them too.
Me: ::viciously presses buttons, connects to vice-principal::

Rule 3: Follow the Natural Order

- At the high school alone, there are over 4,000 students and almost 300 employees. There is an established hierarchy in place for a reason. Use it.

Problem: Suspension.
GOOD: Parent asks to speak to lead teacher.
BAD: Parent asks to speak to superintendent.

Rule 4: Phone Behavior

- Do not hang up while you are on hold. If you are on hold, there is a reason, such as me having to go adventuring in an attempt to fulfill your request. It is not because I enjoy making people listen to scratchy recordings of "Swan Lake". There is nothing more obnoxious than ranging all over the building to find out who the hell fills the vending machines, only to come back and find you didn't bother waiting for the answer.

- Do not complain about talking to the answering machines. The receptionist is the only person who get paid to sit at the phones all day; even the secretaries have to do other stuff. Oddly enough, with the 4,000+ students in the school, people tend to be busy and occasionally ::gasp!:: LEAVE THEIR OFFICE/DESK/POST/WHATEVER. THIS IS WHY THEY INVENTED ANSWERING MACHINES. Teachers even have to GO TEACH CLASSES sometimes! Imagine! Their continued absence would render anything but a voicemail uneconomical, unless they are department heads and receive a lot of calls! No, I can't page them for you!

If the situation is urgent, please tell me. Alternate routes of communication can be arranged.
URGENT: arrests, dying people
NOT URGENT: next week's Saturday detention, especially if it is before Thursday.
PRESSING: Picking up a student who is sick, has an appointment, etc.
NOT PRESSING: Talking to the Prom Coordinator. Senior Prom is on June 2.

If you really, really, really want to speak to the real live person, call back. I can even give your their extension so you can STOP BOTHERING ME. Instant gratification is not a right. Perseverance and luck are the best ways to get someone on the phone.

- If you can't understand me, please say, "Pardon?" or "Excuse me?" or "I'm sorry, could you please repeat that?" DO NOT say "Huh?": it basically makes you sound like a moron.

- Stop saying "How are you?" Some of you want an answer. Some of you don't. None of you actually care. Try "Hello" instead. It's a nice greeting.

- Please do not mumble, whisper, or slur. If you can avoid having an accent, this is excellent. If you do have an accent, please enunciate. Also, I only speak English. For best results, I suggest you do the same while on the phone with me.

- Do not call while drunk.

- How to address me:
GOOD: Ma'am, Miss, Operator
BAD: Upper Darby High School

- If it is at all possible, do not call on your cell phone. If this is unavoidable, please call while sheltered from high winds, away from heavy traffic, and out of a dead zone.

GOOD: "Hello, I'm calling from the trolley station. How do I get to your school? ::NOTE COMPLETE LACK OF BACKGROUND NOISE::"
BAD: "::static:: 12th grade ::static:: school books ::static::"

Do not call while driving. This is dangerous. Trust me, I wrote an 8-page paper on it. Also, it is annoying.

GOOD: "Hello, I'm parked out from of your school."
BAD:
Me: Would you like me to connect you to extension 372?
Caller: GET OUT OF THE WAY!
Me: ...Excuse me?
Caller: WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU IDIOT?????
Me: Um, hello?
Caller: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm in your parking lot right now.

- Would it kill you to say good-bye when you're done? Seriously.

I got my train ticket today! I shall be visiting WM from Monday around 11:00 AM to sometimes Thursday. Yay!

Pan's Labyrinth might be the most depressing thing I have ever seen. Lest I lead you astray, it is quite good. However, it is perhaps best described as a cross between Labyrinth and Schindler's List. Compared to this movie, the opening episodes of BSG were a light-hearted farcical comedy of manners starring Fat Lee as the dashing Romantic hero and Season 2 of SPooN was Dean contemplating his life choices for a brief moment, then quietly finishing his crossword puzzle. My only gripe (besides about my ensuing depression, of course) is that it really shouldn't be called Pan's Labyrinth. There is no Pan. There is a faun, which is why it is called "The Labyrinth of the Faun" (possibly) in Spanish. I refuse to believe that Pan is more widely recognized than a faun. Dumbass translators.

This was perhaps not one of Mallory's most uplifting ideas.

Pan's Labyrinth: Incredibly written, incredibly acted, incredibly shot, incredibly depressing.

I'm going to visit Marge tomorrow! Yay!

I was going to write about SPooN, a lot, but now I am tired. Also, very behind on crocheting.