Torchwood: EPIC FAIL - Episode 1x11
Aug. 14th, 2008 10:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shadydaveHuzzah! The new router came!
Torchwood, Series One: The EPIC FAIL Project
Episode 11: "Weevil Fight Club" aka "Combat"
Fun fact: the guy who plays Mickey on Doctor Who wrote this episode, presumably right after watching Fight Club. However, I'm still going to have to assign FAIL, because seriously, WEEVIL Fight Club?
Anyways, we begin with Jack chasing a rogue Weevil. I would like to point out that they use "Anti-Weevil Spray" for this process, which really just makes me think of the "Bat Shark Repellent" from Batman. In any case, he's not doing very well, and calls on Gwen for backup. Gwen is having a tense dinner out with Rhys, and when Jack shows up at their restaurant and attempts to borrow her, Rhys flips out. Normally I would be sympathetic, since Rhys has basically been treated like crap all season, except 1) Jack is all torn and bloodstained, and I think that would pretty much qualify as an emergency that your girlfriend should skip dinner for, and 2) Rhys objects in a very unexpected "Shut up and make me a sandwich, woman!" kind of way, and basically FAILS. Gwen ditches him and joins Jack and the team, except before they can do anything, someone kidnaps their Weevil.
Owen, meanwhile, is angsting in a bar about losing Diane and ignoring his phone calls from work. Some obnoxious dude picks a fight with him and Owen beats him up, proving that Owen would be much more awesome as a ninja, particularly since he wouldn't talk nearly as much and thus have far fewer chances of making me want to hit him.
The rest of the team discusses Weevil attacks, Weevil kidnappings, and the Weevils' growing resistance to the "Anti-Weevil Spray." I guess they'll have to start using their Batarangs now. If anyone can tell me what Jack is doing to produce that reflection, I'll give you a quarter.
Jack deduces that the Weevils are all crying on the inside because someone, somewhere is hurting them, and Ianto looks like he feels their pain.
Pain so constant, like my Weevil's full of rats:
Finally, they go looking for the Weevilnappers, and find a dead guy, savaged by a Weevil, in a warehouse. Dead guy gets a phone call from the Weevilnappers, and Jack is affronted that his team thinks he would actually consider having Crazy Frog on his phone; obviously his ring tone is "Stayin' Alive", unless the Doctor calls, in which case it's "Bad Case of Loving You". Jack yells at the Weevilnappers ("I have this selective deafness when I'm talking to cowards or murderers") and the Weevilnappers yell back and tell him to stay out of their affairs.
Owen finally turns up at work and determines that not only was dead guy eaten by a Weevil, but he was beaten up by people first. While Gwen is notifying dead guy's family that he's, you know, dead, she and Owen fight about Diane. Owen's a real bastard about it and they break up, ending a romance for the ages.
Back at the Hub, they figure out the warehouse belongs to some real estate guy, so they decide to make Owen go undercover as a jellied eel salesman looking for property, and there is nothing not awesome about that concept. Owen meets with real estate guy, henceforth known as "The Chin", and Tosh goes all secret agent and sets up an entire fake jellied eel empire and hacks the Chin's computers, FTW.
The Chin:
Owen's Jellied Eel Empire:
Meanwhile, Ianto actually gets to leave the Hub, and he and Jack play good cop/bad cop with a guy at the hospital who looks suspiciously like he's been attacked by a Weevil with "the rage of a wild animal". They do this mainly by eating all his grapes, but they do learn that attacked-by-a-Weevil dude can't tell them anything because "they" would kill him. It's the first rule, dudes! AND the second!
Jack comes up with a brilliant plan:
TOSH: You want to release a Weevil in the middle of Cardiff?!
JACK: Not exactly in the middle, a little to the side.
Yeah, letting Weevils loose in public places worked out so well the last time. Also, Jack has apparently named the Weevil Janet ("Barbara just didn't seem right"), leading Kirstin and I to speculate that the reason the Weevils have Torchwood jumpsuits is because Jack and Ianto dress them up for tea parties. Anyways, the Weevilnappers take the bait, causing Jack to exclaim "The Weevil has landed!" because he is a huge DORK. Tosh goes Weevils' Rights Activist and questions the morality of using Weevils for bait when they know someone is hurting them, because Tosh is awesome.
Meanwhile, Owen and the Chin are back at the bar, and Owen gets into another fight with the obnoxious guy. The Chin is also impressed with Owen's ninja skills, and invites him back to his place and walks around shirtless.
Gwen waits at home for Rhys, who went out without her, but he comes back repentant. She pours him a drink and confesses she had an affair with Owen, but this is slightly negated by the fact that SHE RETCONS HIM SO HE WON'T REMEMBER. SO MUCH FAIL. However, Rhys passes out before Gwen gets him to say he forgives her, which TOTALLY SERVES HER RIGHT FOR ROOFIE-ING HER BOYFRIEND.
Owen sneaks around the Chin's apartment and discovers he has a Weevil in his closet. The Chin philosophizes about the Weevils, saying they're people when all that is left is RAGE, and uses it as a punching bag. He invites Owen to let out his anger and do the same, but Owen is dubious, possibly because the Chin says things like "Is that who you are? A little kid hiding behind a gun?" Seriously, dude, what kids do you know? The Chin has connected Owen to Torchwood, but claims that all the Weevil victims were willing, the casualties of WEEVIL FIGHT CLUB. The music actually goes "DUN DUN DUN" at this point, so I don't have to.
Jack, Ianto, and Tosh are still chasing Janet and the Weevilnappers, but they lose the trail when the tracking device comes loose. Oops. Gwen, meanwhile, comes back to the Hub with pizza, but NO ONE IS THERE and she cries. My heart bleeds, it really does.
Down in the morgue, dead guy's cell phone starts ringing again, and it turns out it's a text message with the location of WEEVIL FIGHT CLUB. She tells the rest of the team and the chase is back on.
The Chin explains to Owen how their lives are basically empty and meaningless, even though they might be successful, and how the only cure is EXTREME WEEVIL FIGHTING. In other words, it's Fight Club. With Weevils. Dead guy died because he was too overwhelmed with ennui and just let a Weevil eat him. The Chin tells Owen to get in the cage, asking "Do you want me to shoot you?" If I get a vote, THE ANSWER IS TOTALLY YES, PLEASE. However, Owen decides what the heck, I'm super-depressed anyway, and gets in the cage, where Janet promptly starts eating him. HURRAH! I mean, how tragic. (Also, FTW. Multiple times.)
Sadly, the rest of Torchwood shows up and pulls him out before he can really become Weevil-chow. The Chin, seeing the end of WEEVIL FIGHT CLUB and impressed by the manliness of Owen's Weevil-assisted death wish, also climbs in the cage and gets promptly eaten by Janet. Jack tells everyone to go home and stop reading books by Chuck Palahniuk. Case closed!
Jack goes to visit Owen in the hospital, expressing his concern by hurling a bag of grapes at him. Owen complains that he doesn't actually like grapes (which is ok, because Jack probably would have eaten them all anyway) and, more importantly, that he didn't actually want to be saved:
JACK: Do you want us to apologize?
I have to say, that would be the most awesome Hallmark card EVER.
Later, Owen returns to work. He expresses his inner rage by growling at Janet, who cowers in fear, because Owen is apparently now KING OF THE WEEVILS. WIN.
THE END.
The Fail Scale
FAIL:
- WEEVIL FIGHT CLUB FAIL
- Random Misogyny Rhys FAIL
- Boyfriend-roofie-ing Gwen FAIL
WIN:
- Tosh!
- OWEN GETS MAULED
- JANET EATS OWEN
- OWEN HARPER, KING OF THE WEEVILS
TOTAL SCORE: 1
Death by Torchwood:
0
Captain's Blog: Had to use Janet as bait. Never thought Weevils could look betrayed, didn't think they had enough facial muscles.
Next Episode: Whistle while you work / Hitler is a jerk / Mussolini pulled his weenie / now it doesn't work
The Torchwood: EPIC FAIL Project Table o' Contents!
Torchwood, Series One: The EPIC FAIL Project
Episode 11: "Weevil Fight Club" aka "Combat"
Fun fact: the guy who plays Mickey on Doctor Who wrote this episode, presumably right after watching Fight Club. However, I'm still going to have to assign FAIL, because seriously, WEEVIL Fight Club?
Anyways, we begin with Jack chasing a rogue Weevil. I would like to point out that they use "Anti-Weevil Spray" for this process, which really just makes me think of the "Bat Shark Repellent" from Batman. In any case, he's not doing very well, and calls on Gwen for backup. Gwen is having a tense dinner out with Rhys, and when Jack shows up at their restaurant and attempts to borrow her, Rhys flips out. Normally I would be sympathetic, since Rhys has basically been treated like crap all season, except 1) Jack is all torn and bloodstained, and I think that would pretty much qualify as an emergency that your girlfriend should skip dinner for, and 2) Rhys objects in a very unexpected "Shut up and make me a sandwich, woman!" kind of way, and basically FAILS. Gwen ditches him and joins Jack and the team, except before they can do anything, someone kidnaps their Weevil.
Owen, meanwhile, is angsting in a bar about losing Diane and ignoring his phone calls from work. Some obnoxious dude picks a fight with him and Owen beats him up, proving that Owen would be much more awesome as a ninja, particularly since he wouldn't talk nearly as much and thus have far fewer chances of making me want to hit him.
The rest of the team discusses Weevil attacks, Weevil kidnappings, and the Weevils' growing resistance to the "Anti-Weevil Spray." I guess they'll have to start using their Batarangs now. If anyone can tell me what Jack is doing to produce that reflection, I'll give you a quarter.
Jack deduces that the Weevils are all crying on the inside because someone, somewhere is hurting them, and Ianto looks like he feels their pain.
Pain so constant, like my Weevil's full of rats:
Finally, they go looking for the Weevilnappers, and find a dead guy, savaged by a Weevil, in a warehouse. Dead guy gets a phone call from the Weevilnappers, and Jack is affronted that his team thinks he would actually consider having Crazy Frog on his phone; obviously his ring tone is "Stayin' Alive", unless the Doctor calls, in which case it's "Bad Case of Loving You". Jack yells at the Weevilnappers ("I have this selective deafness when I'm talking to cowards or murderers") and the Weevilnappers yell back and tell him to stay out of their affairs.
Owen finally turns up at work and determines that not only was dead guy eaten by a Weevil, but he was beaten up by people first. While Gwen is notifying dead guy's family that he's, you know, dead, she and Owen fight about Diane. Owen's a real bastard about it and they break up, ending a romance for the ages.
Back at the Hub, they figure out the warehouse belongs to some real estate guy, so they decide to make Owen go undercover as a jellied eel salesman looking for property, and there is nothing not awesome about that concept. Owen meets with real estate guy, henceforth known as "The Chin", and Tosh goes all secret agent and sets up an entire fake jellied eel empire and hacks the Chin's computers, FTW.
The Chin:
Owen's Jellied Eel Empire:
Meanwhile, Ianto actually gets to leave the Hub, and he and Jack play good cop/bad cop with a guy at the hospital who looks suspiciously like he's been attacked by a Weevil with "the rage of a wild animal". They do this mainly by eating all his grapes, but they do learn that attacked-by-a-Weevil dude can't tell them anything because "they" would kill him. It's the first rule, dudes! AND the second!
Jack comes up with a brilliant plan:
TOSH: You want to release a Weevil in the middle of Cardiff?!
JACK: Not exactly in the middle, a little to the side.
Yeah, letting Weevils loose in public places worked out so well the last time. Also, Jack has apparently named the Weevil Janet ("Barbara just didn't seem right"), leading Kirstin and I to speculate that the reason the Weevils have Torchwood jumpsuits is because Jack and Ianto dress them up for tea parties. Anyways, the Weevilnappers take the bait, causing Jack to exclaim "The Weevil has landed!" because he is a huge DORK. Tosh goes Weevils' Rights Activist and questions the morality of using Weevils for bait when they know someone is hurting them, because Tosh is awesome.
Meanwhile, Owen and the Chin are back at the bar, and Owen gets into another fight with the obnoxious guy. The Chin is also impressed with Owen's ninja skills, and invites him back to his place and walks around shirtless.
Gwen waits at home for Rhys, who went out without her, but he comes back repentant. She pours him a drink and confesses she had an affair with Owen, but this is slightly negated by the fact that SHE RETCONS HIM SO HE WON'T REMEMBER. SO MUCH FAIL. However, Rhys passes out before Gwen gets him to say he forgives her, which TOTALLY SERVES HER RIGHT FOR ROOFIE-ING HER BOYFRIEND.
Owen sneaks around the Chin's apartment and discovers he has a Weevil in his closet. The Chin philosophizes about the Weevils, saying they're people when all that is left is RAGE, and uses it as a punching bag. He invites Owen to let out his anger and do the same, but Owen is dubious, possibly because the Chin says things like "Is that who you are? A little kid hiding behind a gun?" Seriously, dude, what kids do you know? The Chin has connected Owen to Torchwood, but claims that all the Weevil victims were willing, the casualties of WEEVIL FIGHT CLUB. The music actually goes "DUN DUN DUN" at this point, so I don't have to.
Jack, Ianto, and Tosh are still chasing Janet and the Weevilnappers, but they lose the trail when the tracking device comes loose. Oops. Gwen, meanwhile, comes back to the Hub with pizza, but NO ONE IS THERE and she cries. My heart bleeds, it really does.
Down in the morgue, dead guy's cell phone starts ringing again, and it turns out it's a text message with the location of WEEVIL FIGHT CLUB. She tells the rest of the team and the chase is back on.
The Chin explains to Owen how their lives are basically empty and meaningless, even though they might be successful, and how the only cure is EXTREME WEEVIL FIGHTING. In other words, it's Fight Club. With Weevils. Dead guy died because he was too overwhelmed with ennui and just let a Weevil eat him. The Chin tells Owen to get in the cage, asking "Do you want me to shoot you?" If I get a vote, THE ANSWER IS TOTALLY YES, PLEASE. However, Owen decides what the heck, I'm super-depressed anyway, and gets in the cage, where Janet promptly starts eating him. HURRAH! I mean, how tragic. (Also, FTW. Multiple times.)
Sadly, the rest of Torchwood shows up and pulls him out before he can really become Weevil-chow. The Chin, seeing the end of WEEVIL FIGHT CLUB and impressed by the manliness of Owen's Weevil-assisted death wish, also climbs in the cage and gets promptly eaten by Janet. Jack tells everyone to go home and stop reading books by Chuck Palahniuk. Case closed!
Jack goes to visit Owen in the hospital, expressing his concern by hurling a bag of grapes at him. Owen complains that he doesn't actually like grapes (which is ok, because Jack probably would have eaten them all anyway) and, more importantly, that he didn't actually want to be saved:
JACK: Do you want us to apologize?
I have to say, that would be the most awesome Hallmark card EVER.
Later, Owen returns to work. He expresses his inner rage by growling at Janet, who cowers in fear, because Owen is apparently now KING OF THE WEEVILS. WIN.
THE END.
The Fail Scale
FAIL:
- WEEVIL FIGHT CLUB FAIL
- Random Misogyny Rhys FAIL
- Boyfriend-roofie-ing Gwen FAIL
WIN:
- Tosh!
- OWEN GETS MAULED
- JANET EATS OWEN
- OWEN HARPER, KING OF THE WEEVILS
TOTAL SCORE: 1
Death by Torchwood:
0
Captain's Blog: Had to use Janet as bait. Never thought Weevils could look betrayed, didn't think they had enough facial muscles.
Next Episode: Whistle while you work / Hitler is a jerk / Mussolini pulled his weenie / now it doesn't work
The Torchwood: EPIC FAIL Project Table o' Contents!
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2008-08-15 03:58 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-18 03:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-15 07:47 pm (UTC)also, the real estate guy is really a comic book superhero:
:D
no subject
Date: 2008-08-18 03:45 pm (UTC)I guess he would be the Crimson Chin's bizarro evil counterpart?