La Chanson du Roland
Feb. 3rd, 2008 09:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shadydaveSo, last week, David's history class on the Crusades was reading The Song of Roland, so Katherine and I crashed the class and possibly got a 100 on the reading quiz, despite neither of us reading the The Song of Roland in several years. Anyways, that reminded I had an unfinished summary in one of my notebooks that I wrote during the summer while at work. So I finished it! Ta-daaaaaaa!
The Song of Roland: A Summary
PROLOGUE
Dear Marsila, King of Spain:
You are so doomed.
Love,
The Narrator
INTEREA AD HISPANIAS
Marsila: Okay, guys, Charlemagne has conquered the rest of Spain and now he's coming after us. Any suggestions?
Paynim 1: Surrender?
Blanchandrin: Let's not and say we did.
Marsila: Okay!
Blanchandrin: Oh! Oh! And we can give him lots of shiny things to distract him!
Marsila: Yes! Excellent!
Blanchandrin: And we can send him hostages to ensure our good behavior!
Marsila: Yes!-- Wait, what?
Blanchandrin: I volunteer my son!
Paynim 1: Won't he, you know, DIE, when Charlemagne, you know, finds out we've TOTALLY LIED to him?
Blanchandrin: I never liked him anyway.
Marsila: Okay then!
***
Blanchandrin: Hiya, Chuck! What's shakin'?
Charlemagne: ...
Blanchandrin: Anyways, so me and Marcy have been talking, and we've decided that we'd really like to become Christians instead of being slaughtered wholesale and our lands burned and sown with salt.
Charlemagne: ... Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.
Blanchandrin: We've brought you hostages!
Blanchandrin's Son: ::cries::
Blanchandrin: Stop that, son, you're embarrassing me.
Charlemagne: I-- I don't know what to say! No one's ever brought me hostages before! HOW DO I KNOW YOU MEAN IT?!?!?!
Blanchandrin: We brought you presents, too!
Charlemagne: Hallelujah! The sinners have seen the light!
***
Charlemagne: Peers of the Realm! Roll call! Roland?
Roland: I wanna invade Spain some more!
Charlemagne: Roland's special friend?
Oliver: Present!
Charlemagne: Archbishop Turpin?
Turpin: RAAAAAAAAAAA DIE INFIDELS DIE!!!!!
All: God, what a saint.
Charlemagne: Naimon, wisest of the Franks?
Naimon, Wisest of the Franks: Here!
Charlemagne: Gerin and Gerier?
Gerin and Gerier: Here!
Charlemagne: Anselm, called the Proud?
The Proud: Here!
Charlemagne: Berengier?
Berengier: Here!
Charlemagne: Girard of Roussillon?
Girard of Roussillon: Here!
Charlemagne: Ivon and Ivor?
Ivon and Ivor: Here!
Charlemagne: Otto?
Otto: Here!
Charlemagne: Samson, Duke of Burgundy?
Samson, Duke of Burgundy: Here!
Charlemagne: Duke of Gascony?
DoG: I have a name, you know.
Charlemagne: ...No you don't. Ganelon?
Ganelon: ROLAND SUCKS-- I mean, here.
Charlemagne: Okay, guys, here's the sit rep. Spain wants to convert and they gave me shiny hostages. Do we trust them Y/N?
Roland: Dude, so do you remember that one time you sent some messengers to Spain and they were all killed horribly? Spain sucks. Let's invade it some more!
Ganelon: I say we ignore all advice from anyone who's name rhymes with "Poland".
Naimon, Wisest of the Franks: Come on, dude, we've totally kicked Spain's ass already. Let's give them a break.
Charlemagne: Sounds good to me! Who wants to tell them?
Naimon, Wisest of the Franks: I'll go!
Charlemagne: No, I need you to make all my decisions. Anyone else?
Roland: Ohh, pick me! Pick me!
Oliver: Dude, last time we sent you with a message, you "accidentally" invaded Saxony. I'll go.
Charlemagne: No, I don't want either of you to go, or any of the other 12 Peers, by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin!
All: ...
Turpin: I'll go! DIE INFIDELS DIE!!!!!
All: God, what a saint.
Charlemagne: As I said BEFORE, I don't want any of the 12 Peers going due to that whole "killing the messengers" thing. Now, who here is expendable?
Roland: Let's send Ganelon! He's the only one left anyway.
Ganelon: OMG THAT'S NOT FAIR ROLAND'S TRYING TO KILL ME BECAUSE I'M TOTALLY BANGING HIS MOM!
Roland: SHUT UP! YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD!
Ganelon: I'D RATHER BETRAY FRANCE THAN FOLLOW YOUR SUGGESTIONS!
Roland: HAHA IT IS TO LAUGH!
Ganelon: OMG YOU, YOU, YOU -- YOU SUCK! SO THERE!
Charlemagne: So, about Spain...
Ganelon: Um, please don't send me, I don't want to die horribly?
Charlemagne: I'll think about it. Okay, no. Have fun in Spain!
Ganelon: OMG I HATE YOU ROLAND. AND I HATE OLIVER BECAUSE HE IS YOUR SPECIAL FRIEND, AND I HATE THE 12 PEERS BECAUSE THEY THINK YOU'RE COOL, AND ONE DAY I WILL KILL YOU ALL AND DANCE ON YOUR GRAVES!!!!!
Charlemagne: Why, whatever could that mean?
Ganelon: ...I'm sure I have no idea.
Charlemagne: Here's my glove.
Ganelon: ::drops glove::
::DRAMATIC CHORD::
All: OMG DOOM!
Ganelon: Fine, fine, I'll go. Jerks.
***
Blanchandrin: So, Gamelan --
Ganelon: It's Ganelon, you asshat.
Blanchandrin: Ganelon! Right. So, we all think Charles is pretty awesome here ::cough:: but what's with this whole "invading Spain" thing?
Ganelon: OMG DON'T GET ME STARTED, IT'S ALL ROLAND'S FAULT, HE'S ALL LIKE, LET'S INVADE ANOTHER COUNTRY, AND EVERYONE ELSE IS ALL LIKE, WOW, ROLAND'S SO AWESOME, AND THEN HE'S ALL LIKE, LOOK, WE HAVEN'T INVADED SPAIN YET, AND EVERYONE'S ALL LIKE, YAY!
Blanchandrin: Wow, Roland kinda sucks.
Ganelon: OMG I LOVE YOU.
Blanchandrin: Let's kill him together!
Ganelon: HUZZAH!
***
Ganelon: Blah blah blah surrender or die blah blah blah.
Marsila: How 'bout I just kill you right now?
Ganelon: Or you could wait until Charles goes back to France and invade? And incidentally kill Roland at the same time? And also maybe his special friend and the other 12 Peers?
Marsila: Or I could do that! Here, have some presents!
***
Charlemagne: Ganelon! It's nice to see you're not dead. Everything go all right in Spain?
Ganelon: Oh, yes. It's all going according to plan. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Charlemagne: ...Right. Who wants to lead the rear guard?
Ganelon: How about ... Roland?
Roland: Ohh! Ohh! Pick me! Pick me! I'm excellent at covering the rear!
Ganelon: ::cough::THAT'SWHATHESAID::cough::
Charlemagne: B-b-but Roland rides with me in the front!
Roland: Pretty please? ::sad llama eyes::
Naimon, Wisest of the Franks: Dude, just let him go or he'll whine the entire way back to Aix.
Charlemagne: Okay, fine. Roland can ride in the rear guard.
Oliver: In that case, I'm coming too!
Ganelon: ::cough:: ::snicker:: ::cough::
The 12 Peers: We want to ride with Roland!
Ganelon: ::eyeroll::
Turpin: DIE INFIDELS DIE!!!!!
All: God, what a saint.
***
Charlemagne: ::sniffle::
Naimon, Wisest of the Franks: Why are you crying?
Charlemagne: I miss Roland. Also, I fear Ganelon has betrayed us all, all my best knights will die, my provinces will rebel, my empire will crumble, and I'll die alone and sad. But mainly I miss Roland.
***
Oliver: Um, Roland, do you hear that?
Roland: You mean that noise that sounds like an ambushing Saracen army?
Oliver: So I'm thinking that maybe Ganelon lied about that whole "Spain surrendering" thing.
Roland: Just because he vowed to kill us all and dance on our graves doesn't mean he'd intentionally isolate us from the main force and send a frickin' huge army to finish the job!
Oliver: ...I think it totally does. So, how about calling some reinforcements?
Roland: Reinforcements are for losers!
Oliver: Seriously, dude, we need to blow your horn so Charlemagne will come.
Roland: Oliver, you naughty minx!
Oliver: Your IVORY horn. The one that will summon the Frankish army.
Roland: No way! This is a war! They might get hurt!
Oliver: ...
Roland: Besides, I want to kill all the Saracens!
Oliver: They outnumber us 20 to 1!
Roland: Awesome!
Oliver: We are so screwed.
Roland: Stand we side by side, and handle well our swords, let come what may!
Oliver: What, here? In public?
Roland: I mean let's go kill stuff! Montjoy!
THE FIRST BATTLE
12 Peers: ::kill their Bizarro!counterparts::
Roland: ::kills a gnome::
Oliver: ::hits people with sticks::
Roland: Where hides your good, keen sword?
Oliver: Good Roland, when may I find time to draw it? Nay -- the fighting is too good!
Roland: Now I do you to brotherhood receive -- that is a blow the King would love!
12 Peers: GET A ROOM!
The Weather: DOOM! DOOOOOOOOM! YOU'RE ALL DOOOOOOOOOMED!!!!!
THE SECOND BATTLE
Turpin: RAAAAAAAAAAAA! DIE INFIDELS DIE!
All: God, what a saint.
DoG: ::dies::
Climborin, Evil Saracen Lord: Hey, it's not hard to kill Christians at all! Look, they just collapse if you cut them in half!
Roland: Oh my God! They killed the Duke of Gascony!
Oliver: YOU BASTARDS! HE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A REAL NAME! ::smites Climborin::
Roland: In very sooth, better blows have I not dealt! For such good thwacking blows the King loves us dearly.
11 Peers: GET A ROOM!
***
Samson, Duke of Burgundy: ::dies::
Count Anselm: ::dies::
Gerin and Gerier: ::die::
Berengier: ::dies::
Gerard of Roussillon: ::dies::
Ivon and Ivor: ::die::
Otto: ::dies::
Roland: ::chops a man and a horse in half::
Turpin: RAAAAAAAAAAA DIE INFIDELS DIE!
Roland and Oliver: God, what a saint.
FOUR BATTLES LATER
Roland: Where did all these dead people come from? Why isn't the King here?
Oliver: ::facepalm::
Roland: I know! I'll blow my horn so the King will come!
Oliver: Oh, NOW you want to blow your horn. See if I let you marry my sister!
Roland: Uh, gosh, what a shame. Say, what are you doing Saturd--
Oliver: YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANY EVER AGAIN!!!!!
Roland: WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?!?
Oliver: BECAUSE IF YOU HAD DONE WHAT I TOLD YOU AND BLOWN YOUR HORN WHEN I SAID, THE KING WOULD HAVE COME ALREADY, THE BATTLE WOULD HAVE ENDED DAYS AGO, AND WE WOULD HAVE MORE THAN 60 PEOPLE LEFT!
Roland: ...60 is a lot.
Oliver: WE STARTED WITH 20,000! NOW YOU'RE GOING TO DIE AND EVERYONE WILL BE SAD AND I WON'T BE YOUR FRIEND ANYMORE!!
Roland: ::gasp!::
Turpin: Oh, buck up, you two. Sure, we're all doomed, but if you blow your horn and the King comes, at least we won't lie around in the sun rotting and getting eaten by buzzards!
Roland: ::blows horn::
INTEREA AD GALLIAM
Charlemagne: Did you hear something?
Ganelon: What? Hmm?
Charlemagne: No one blows a horn like Roland! He must be in trouble!
Ganelon: Haha, it is to laugh! That Roland, always blowing his horn in public, I'm sure he's just having fun.
INTEREA AD HISPANIAS
Roland: ::blows his horn so hard his head explodes::
INTEREA AD GALLIAM
Naimon, Wisest of the Franks: Oh no! That's the sound of Roland's head exploding as he prepares for a desperate last stand against a numberless army of Saracens!
Charlemagne: Oh noes! Not Roland! To war!
All: If we but find Count Roland ere he die, beside him we shall give good blows!
INTEREA AD HISPANIAS
Roland: Dear dead men, you were the bestest army ever. I'm sorry I got you killed. Sincerely, Roland. Okay, Oliver, let's go! Today is a good day to die!
Oliver: ::facepalm::
Turpin: Sissies suck! They should become monks and leave the fighting to REAL knights!
Roland and Oliver: God, what a saint.
Roland: ::kills Marsila::
Marsila's Army: ::flees::
Carthaginian Army: ::advances::
Oliver: Oh, look, the Saracens have reinforcements.
Roland: Okay, okay, I get it. Geez. Would you obey your leader's last commandment, O Franks, die rudely!
Oliver: FUCK YOU!
Roland: That's not what I meant, Oliver.
Oliver: Wait, you were talking?
***
Evil Carthaginian Caliph: ::stabs Oliver in the kidneys:: Haha, I smite thee! We win!
Oliver: Just try to enjoy your booty when you're DEAD! ::smites:: Ow, that's gonna leave a mark. ::falls over::
Roland: OMG OLIVER NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! ::swoons::
Oliver: Uh, Roland, some help here? Roland? Roland? Hello? Oh, for the love of -- ::smacks Roland upside the head::
Roland: Wha-? Oliver! You have cleft my helm in twain! You must have thought I was a Saracen!
Oliver: Uh, right! That's totally it. Alas, my eyes darken in my final throes. Sorry.
Roland: ::hug attacks:: YOU BRAVE LITTLE SOLDIER. TOO PRECIOUS FOR THIS WORLD!!
Oliver: Dear God, It's me, Oliver. Please bless Charlemagne and France and my special friend Roland. He's the biggest dumbass who ever lived, but he means well, really. And now I am food for war, amen. ::dies::
Roland: OMG OLIVER NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! ::swoons::
Turpin: RAAAAAAAA!!!!! DIE INFIDELS DIE-- Oh, it's you, Roland! Come on, let's have a dramatic last stand!
Roland: Okay, but first I have to make a call. ::blows horn::
***
Charlemagne: It's not like Roland to blow so weakly! He must be dying! Quick, everyone blow their horns!
***
Paynim 1: Hark! Now it is Charles who comes!
Paynim 2: Quick, kill Roland or we're really screwed!
Roland: Wow, there are 400 Saracens charging at us!
Turpin: We can totally take them!
Paynim 1: Oh noes! There are TWO of them! Quick, everyone throw down their weapons and run away!
Saracen Army: RUNAWAY!!!!!
Turpin: Well, that was disappointing.
Roland: Huzzah! We won! Peers of the Realm! Roll Call! Archbishop Turpin!
Turpin: DIE INFIDELS DIE-- I mean, here!
Roland: Anyone else?
::crickets::
Roland: Guys? Hello?
::tumbleweed::
Roland: DAMMIT. ::swoons::
Turpin: Here, let me get you some water. Wait, no. ::dies::
Roland: Well, I've killed everyone. Looks like my work here is done! Time to die! ::wanders around, looking for a place to die::
Saracen: I'm not dead yet! Ohh, what a shiny sword!
Roland: HANDS OFF, BUCKY! NO TOUCHY! ::bitch-slaps with horn::
Saracen: ::dies::
Roland: Dammit, I now my horn is broken and can never be blown again! And after I am dead, people will try to fondle my shiny, shiny sword!
Durendal: ::shines shinily::
Roland: All of Europe knelt before my mighty sword!
Durendal: ::shines shinily::
Roland: It's got more relics per square inch than most of Vatican City!
Durendal: ::shines shinily::
Roland: In fact, it is the only thing on this battlefield whose destruction I have not had a hand in!
Durendal: ::shines shinily::
Roland: Clearly, there is only one solution here. ::BAM BAM BAM::
Durendal: ::does not break::
Roland: ... I totally meant for that to happen. Well, time to die! Again! Dear God, please bless all the lands I've conquered, France, my family, and Charles the Great. I'm really, really, really, really sorry for everything I've ever done. Really. Love, Roland. ::dies, finally::
Michael, Gabriel, and Some Totally Random Angel: Sweet Jesus, your soul weighs a ton. ::they all ascend into heaven::
***
Charlemagne: Peers of the Realm! Roll call!
::crickets::
Charlemagne: ::wibble:: Guys? Hello?
::tumbleweed::
Charlemagne: WAAAAAAAAH I MISS ROLAND.
Frankish Army: ::cries::
Many a Strong, Rude Warrior: ::swoons dramatically::
Naimon, Wisest of the Franks: Look, a retreating army! Let's slaughter them all so we'll feel better!
Charlemagne: Excellent idea! O God! Teach me to take just vengeance -- I have lost the flower of France!
Some Totally Random Angel: Yeah, God's totally pissed the huge pansy -- err, the "Flower of France" -- is dead. Get a move on and kill the suckers!
Paynim Army: ::runs into the Ebro River and dies::
Frankish Army: Yeah! Take that! That's what you get when you kill Roland!
***
Charlemagne: ::snores::
Gabriel: Honey, wake up! Put your shoes on, we're at grandma's!
Charlemagne: Snrk- wha? OMG STOP THE ARMY BEFORE THEY STEP ON ALL THE DEAD GUYS AND TRAMPLE ALL THE PRETTY FLOWERS.
Roland: ::still dead, yet prettily so::
Charlemagne: OMG ROLAND NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. ::swoons::
Naimon: ::slaps::
Charlemagne: Thanks, I needed that. OMG ROLAND NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. ::swoons::
Naimon: ::slaps::
Charlemagne: WHY ROLAND WHYYYYYYYYYYYY. ::tears out hair::
Frankish Army: ::cries::
Charlemagne: NOW YOU'RE DEEEEEAD AND MY EMPIRE WILL FAAAAAAAAAALL AND PEOPLE WILL SHOW UP AND ASK ME, WHERE'S ROLAND? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH HIM? AND I'LL BE ALL, HE'S DEAD, AND I'LL CRY EVERYDAY FOREEEEEEEEVER. ::tears out the rest of his hair::
Frankish Army: ::cries::
Naimon, Wisest of the Franks: Well, they ain't gettin' any deader! Let's get a move on with that burial detail!
Frankish Army: ::blow their horns for Roland one last time::
Narrator: And thus Roland and his special friend and Archbishop Turpin -- God, what a saint -- were embalmed after having their hearts cut out, which isn't weird AT ALL. And they all were dead happily ever after in France.
***
Alda, Oliver'sStand-In Sister: So, where's Roland?
Charlemagne: Um, he died. Can I offer you another fiancé?
Alda: No. ::dies::
Charlemagne: OMG WILL YOU ALL STOP THAT THIS IS DEPRESSING ENOUGH ALREADY.
***
Ganelon: ::beaten with noodles::
Charlemagne: Gentlemen of the Jury, I ask you, what punishment is fit for this HORRIBLE HORRIBLE PERSON who TOTALLY SOLD OUT and killed ROLAND and his SPECIAL FRIEND and the rest of the 12 PEERS and is SUCH A TRAITOR I can't even BEGIN TO TELL YOU.
Ganelon: Hey, he totally tried to kill me first! Treason was it not!
The Jury: Sit we in judgement now! Talk like Yoda, we must!
Ganelon: Psst, Pinabel! Some help here?
Pinabel: PINABEL ANGRY! PINABEL SMASH!
The Jury: ::back slowly away from Pinabel:: Well, maybe we should just pardon Ganelon! I'm sure he meant well.
Charlemagne: YOU ALL SUCK.
Count Thierry the Hott: Never fear, Charles! I think Ganelon totally blows, and I'll fight any man who disagrees with me, even if they are massively strong and named after a My Little Pony!
Pinabel: ::SMASH!::
Thierry: ::SMASH!::
Pinabel: ::cuts on Thierry!::
Thierry: OMG YOU BASTARD MY SHIRT! AND MY FACE! MY BEAUTIFUL FACE! COUNT THIERRY SMASH!
Pinabel: ::dies::
Charlemagne: Awesome! Ok, now kill Ganelon and all his hostages!
Hostages: WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE US SO.
Ganelon: ::torn apart by wild horses, unlike the Stones::
Narrator: And let that be a lesson to you all: if you betray a fellow man, it is not right that you should boast... thereof... wait, what the hell?
EPILOGUE
Charlemagne: ::snores::
Gabriel: Wakey wakey, eggs and bac-y! It's time to march to that far city where the King of Ind is harassed by the Paynims!
Charlemagne: That's not a real place, you made that up. 15 more minutes?
Gabriel: OUT, LAZYBONES. DO YOU THINK I LIKE BEING YOUR ANGELIC ALARM CLOCK?
Charlemagne: HOW TIRESOME IS MY LIFE. ::cries::
THE END
The Song of Roland: A Summary
PROLOGUE
Dear Marsila, King of Spain:
You are so doomed.
Love,
The Narrator
INTEREA AD HISPANIAS
Marsila: Okay, guys, Charlemagne has conquered the rest of Spain and now he's coming after us. Any suggestions?
Paynim 1: Surrender?
Blanchandrin: Let's not and say we did.
Marsila: Okay!
Blanchandrin: Oh! Oh! And we can give him lots of shiny things to distract him!
Marsila: Yes! Excellent!
Blanchandrin: And we can send him hostages to ensure our good behavior!
Marsila: Yes!-- Wait, what?
Blanchandrin: I volunteer my son!
Paynim 1: Won't he, you know, DIE, when Charlemagne, you know, finds out we've TOTALLY LIED to him?
Blanchandrin: I never liked him anyway.
Marsila: Okay then!
***
Blanchandrin: Hiya, Chuck! What's shakin'?
Charlemagne: ...
Blanchandrin: Anyways, so me and Marcy have been talking, and we've decided that we'd really like to become Christians instead of being slaughtered wholesale and our lands burned and sown with salt.
Charlemagne: ... Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.
Blanchandrin: We've brought you hostages!
Blanchandrin's Son: ::cries::
Blanchandrin: Stop that, son, you're embarrassing me.
Charlemagne: I-- I don't know what to say! No one's ever brought me hostages before! HOW DO I KNOW YOU MEAN IT?!?!?!
Blanchandrin: We brought you presents, too!
Charlemagne: Hallelujah! The sinners have seen the light!
***
Charlemagne: Peers of the Realm! Roll call! Roland?
Roland: I wanna invade Spain some more!
Charlemagne: Roland's special friend?
Oliver: Present!
Charlemagne: Archbishop Turpin?
Turpin: RAAAAAAAAAAA DIE INFIDELS DIE!!!!!
All: God, what a saint.
Charlemagne: Naimon, wisest of the Franks?
Naimon, Wisest of the Franks: Here!
Charlemagne: Gerin and Gerier?
Gerin and Gerier: Here!
Charlemagne: Anselm, called the Proud?
The Proud: Here!
Charlemagne: Berengier?
Berengier: Here!
Charlemagne: Girard of Roussillon?
Girard of Roussillon: Here!
Charlemagne: Ivon and Ivor?
Ivon and Ivor: Here!
Charlemagne: Otto?
Otto: Here!
Charlemagne: Samson, Duke of Burgundy?
Samson, Duke of Burgundy: Here!
Charlemagne: Duke of Gascony?
DoG: I have a name, you know.
Charlemagne: ...No you don't. Ganelon?
Ganelon: ROLAND SUCKS-- I mean, here.
Charlemagne: Okay, guys, here's the sit rep. Spain wants to convert and they gave me shiny hostages. Do we trust them Y/N?
Roland: Dude, so do you remember that one time you sent some messengers to Spain and they were all killed horribly? Spain sucks. Let's invade it some more!
Ganelon: I say we ignore all advice from anyone who's name rhymes with "Poland".
Naimon, Wisest of the Franks: Come on, dude, we've totally kicked Spain's ass already. Let's give them a break.
Charlemagne: Sounds good to me! Who wants to tell them?
Naimon, Wisest of the Franks: I'll go!
Charlemagne: No, I need you to make all my decisions. Anyone else?
Roland: Ohh, pick me! Pick me!
Oliver: Dude, last time we sent you with a message, you "accidentally" invaded Saxony. I'll go.
Charlemagne: No, I don't want either of you to go, or any of the other 12 Peers, by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin!
All: ...
Turpin: I'll go! DIE INFIDELS DIE!!!!!
All: God, what a saint.
Charlemagne: As I said BEFORE, I don't want any of the 12 Peers going due to that whole "killing the messengers" thing. Now, who here is expendable?
Roland: Let's send Ganelon! He's the only one left anyway.
Ganelon: OMG THAT'S NOT FAIR ROLAND'S TRYING TO KILL ME BECAUSE I'M TOTALLY BANGING HIS MOM!
Roland: SHUT UP! YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD!
Ganelon: I'D RATHER BETRAY FRANCE THAN FOLLOW YOUR SUGGESTIONS!
Roland: HAHA IT IS TO LAUGH!
Ganelon: OMG YOU, YOU, YOU -- YOU SUCK! SO THERE!
Charlemagne: So, about Spain...
Ganelon: Um, please don't send me, I don't want to die horribly?
Charlemagne: I'll think about it. Okay, no. Have fun in Spain!
Ganelon: OMG I HATE YOU ROLAND. AND I HATE OLIVER BECAUSE HE IS YOUR SPECIAL FRIEND, AND I HATE THE 12 PEERS BECAUSE THEY THINK YOU'RE COOL, AND ONE DAY I WILL KILL YOU ALL AND DANCE ON YOUR GRAVES!!!!!
Charlemagne: Why, whatever could that mean?
Ganelon: ...I'm sure I have no idea.
Charlemagne: Here's my glove.
Ganelon: ::drops glove::
::DRAMATIC CHORD::
All: OMG DOOM!
Ganelon: Fine, fine, I'll go. Jerks.
***
Blanchandrin: So, Gamelan --
Ganelon: It's Ganelon, you asshat.
Blanchandrin: Ganelon! Right. So, we all think Charles is pretty awesome here ::cough:: but what's with this whole "invading Spain" thing?
Ganelon: OMG DON'T GET ME STARTED, IT'S ALL ROLAND'S FAULT, HE'S ALL LIKE, LET'S INVADE ANOTHER COUNTRY, AND EVERYONE ELSE IS ALL LIKE, WOW, ROLAND'S SO AWESOME, AND THEN HE'S ALL LIKE, LOOK, WE HAVEN'T INVADED SPAIN YET, AND EVERYONE'S ALL LIKE, YAY!
Blanchandrin: Wow, Roland kinda sucks.
Ganelon: OMG I LOVE YOU.
Blanchandrin: Let's kill him together!
Ganelon: HUZZAH!
***
Ganelon: Blah blah blah surrender or die blah blah blah.
Marsila: How 'bout I just kill you right now?
Ganelon: Or you could wait until Charles goes back to France and invade? And incidentally kill Roland at the same time? And also maybe his special friend and the other 12 Peers?
Marsila: Or I could do that! Here, have some presents!
***
Charlemagne: Ganelon! It's nice to see you're not dead. Everything go all right in Spain?
Ganelon: Oh, yes. It's all going according to plan. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Charlemagne: ...Right. Who wants to lead the rear guard?
Ganelon: How about ... Roland?
Roland: Ohh! Ohh! Pick me! Pick me! I'm excellent at covering the rear!
Ganelon: ::cough::THAT'SWHATHESAID::cough::
Charlemagne: B-b-but Roland rides with me in the front!
Roland: Pretty please? ::sad llama eyes::
Naimon, Wisest of the Franks: Dude, just let him go or he'll whine the entire way back to Aix.
Charlemagne: Okay, fine. Roland can ride in the rear guard.
Oliver: In that case, I'm coming too!
Ganelon: ::cough:: ::snicker:: ::cough::
The 12 Peers: We want to ride with Roland!
Ganelon: ::eyeroll::
Turpin: DIE INFIDELS DIE!!!!!
All: God, what a saint.
***
Charlemagne: ::sniffle::
Naimon, Wisest of the Franks: Why are you crying?
Charlemagne: I miss Roland. Also, I fear Ganelon has betrayed us all, all my best knights will die, my provinces will rebel, my empire will crumble, and I'll die alone and sad. But mainly I miss Roland.
***
Oliver: Um, Roland, do you hear that?
Roland: You mean that noise that sounds like an ambushing Saracen army?
Oliver: So I'm thinking that maybe Ganelon lied about that whole "Spain surrendering" thing.
Roland: Just because he vowed to kill us all and dance on our graves doesn't mean he'd intentionally isolate us from the main force and send a frickin' huge army to finish the job!
Oliver: ...I think it totally does. So, how about calling some reinforcements?
Roland: Reinforcements are for losers!
Oliver: Seriously, dude, we need to blow your horn so Charlemagne will come.
Roland: Oliver, you naughty minx!
Oliver: Your IVORY horn. The one that will summon the Frankish army.
Roland: No way! This is a war! They might get hurt!
Oliver: ...
Roland: Besides, I want to kill all the Saracens!
Oliver: They outnumber us 20 to 1!
Roland: Awesome!
Oliver: We are so screwed.
Roland: Stand we side by side, and handle well our swords, let come what may!
Oliver: What, here? In public?
Roland: I mean let's go kill stuff! Montjoy!
THE FIRST BATTLE
12 Peers: ::kill their Bizarro!counterparts::
Roland: ::kills a gnome::
Oliver: ::hits people with sticks::
Roland: Where hides your good, keen sword?
Oliver: Good Roland, when may I find time to draw it? Nay -- the fighting is too good!
Roland: Now I do you to brotherhood receive -- that is a blow the King would love!
12 Peers: GET A ROOM!
The Weather: DOOM! DOOOOOOOOM! YOU'RE ALL DOOOOOOOOOMED!!!!!
THE SECOND BATTLE
Turpin: RAAAAAAAAAAAA! DIE INFIDELS DIE!
All: God, what a saint.
DoG: ::dies::
Climborin, Evil Saracen Lord: Hey, it's not hard to kill Christians at all! Look, they just collapse if you cut them in half!
Roland: Oh my God! They killed the Duke of Gascony!
Oliver: YOU BASTARDS! HE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A REAL NAME! ::smites Climborin::
Roland: In very sooth, better blows have I not dealt! For such good thwacking blows the King loves us dearly.
11 Peers: GET A ROOM!
***
Samson, Duke of Burgundy: ::dies::
Count Anselm: ::dies::
Gerin and Gerier: ::die::
Berengier: ::dies::
Gerard of Roussillon: ::dies::
Ivon and Ivor: ::die::
Otto: ::dies::
Roland: ::chops a man and a horse in half::
Turpin: RAAAAAAAAAAA DIE INFIDELS DIE!
Roland and Oliver: God, what a saint.
FOUR BATTLES LATER
Roland: Where did all these dead people come from? Why isn't the King here?
Oliver: ::facepalm::
Roland: I know! I'll blow my horn so the King will come!
Oliver: Oh, NOW you want to blow your horn. See if I let you marry my sister!
Roland: Uh, gosh, what a shame. Say, what are you doing Saturd--
Oliver: YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANY EVER AGAIN!!!!!
Roland: WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?!?
Oliver: BECAUSE IF YOU HAD DONE WHAT I TOLD YOU AND BLOWN YOUR HORN WHEN I SAID, THE KING WOULD HAVE COME ALREADY, THE BATTLE WOULD HAVE ENDED DAYS AGO, AND WE WOULD HAVE MORE THAN 60 PEOPLE LEFT!
Roland: ...60 is a lot.
Oliver: WE STARTED WITH 20,000! NOW YOU'RE GOING TO DIE AND EVERYONE WILL BE SAD AND I WON'T BE YOUR FRIEND ANYMORE!!
Roland: ::gasp!::
Turpin: Oh, buck up, you two. Sure, we're all doomed, but if you blow your horn and the King comes, at least we won't lie around in the sun rotting and getting eaten by buzzards!
Roland: ::blows horn::
INTEREA AD GALLIAM
Charlemagne: Did you hear something?
Ganelon: What? Hmm?
Charlemagne: No one blows a horn like Roland! He must be in trouble!
Ganelon: Haha, it is to laugh! That Roland, always blowing his horn in public, I'm sure he's just having fun.
INTEREA AD HISPANIAS
Roland: ::blows his horn so hard his head explodes::
INTEREA AD GALLIAM
Naimon, Wisest of the Franks: Oh no! That's the sound of Roland's head exploding as he prepares for a desperate last stand against a numberless army of Saracens!
Charlemagne: Oh noes! Not Roland! To war!
All: If we but find Count Roland ere he die, beside him we shall give good blows!
INTEREA AD HISPANIAS
Roland: Dear dead men, you were the bestest army ever. I'm sorry I got you killed. Sincerely, Roland. Okay, Oliver, let's go! Today is a good day to die!
Oliver: ::facepalm::
Turpin: Sissies suck! They should become monks and leave the fighting to REAL knights!
Roland and Oliver: God, what a saint.
Roland: ::kills Marsila::
Marsila's Army: ::flees::
Carthaginian Army: ::advances::
Oliver: Oh, look, the Saracens have reinforcements.
Roland: Okay, okay, I get it. Geez. Would you obey your leader's last commandment, O Franks, die rudely!
Oliver: FUCK YOU!
Roland: That's not what I meant, Oliver.
Oliver: Wait, you were talking?
***
Evil Carthaginian Caliph: ::stabs Oliver in the kidneys:: Haha, I smite thee! We win!
Oliver: Just try to enjoy your booty when you're DEAD! ::smites:: Ow, that's gonna leave a mark. ::falls over::
Roland: OMG OLIVER NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! ::swoons::
Oliver: Uh, Roland, some help here? Roland? Roland? Hello? Oh, for the love of -- ::smacks Roland upside the head::
Roland: Wha-? Oliver! You have cleft my helm in twain! You must have thought I was a Saracen!
Oliver: Uh, right! That's totally it. Alas, my eyes darken in my final throes. Sorry.
Roland: ::hug attacks:: YOU BRAVE LITTLE SOLDIER. TOO PRECIOUS FOR THIS WORLD!!
Oliver: Dear God, It's me, Oliver. Please bless Charlemagne and France and my special friend Roland. He's the biggest dumbass who ever lived, but he means well, really. And now I am food for war, amen. ::dies::
Roland: OMG OLIVER NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! ::swoons::
Turpin: RAAAAAAAA!!!!! DIE INFIDELS DIE-- Oh, it's you, Roland! Come on, let's have a dramatic last stand!
Roland: Okay, but first I have to make a call. ::blows horn::
***
Charlemagne: It's not like Roland to blow so weakly! He must be dying! Quick, everyone blow their horns!
***
Paynim 1: Hark! Now it is Charles who comes!
Paynim 2: Quick, kill Roland or we're really screwed!
Roland: Wow, there are 400 Saracens charging at us!
Turpin: We can totally take them!
Paynim 1: Oh noes! There are TWO of them! Quick, everyone throw down their weapons and run away!
Saracen Army: RUNAWAY!!!!!
Turpin: Well, that was disappointing.
Roland: Huzzah! We won! Peers of the Realm! Roll Call! Archbishop Turpin!
Turpin: DIE INFIDELS DIE-- I mean, here!
Roland: Anyone else?
::crickets::
Roland: Guys? Hello?
::tumbleweed::
Roland: DAMMIT. ::swoons::
Turpin: Here, let me get you some water. Wait, no. ::dies::
Roland: Well, I've killed everyone. Looks like my work here is done! Time to die! ::wanders around, looking for a place to die::
Saracen: I'm not dead yet! Ohh, what a shiny sword!
Roland: HANDS OFF, BUCKY! NO TOUCHY! ::bitch-slaps with horn::
Saracen: ::dies::
Roland: Dammit, I now my horn is broken and can never be blown again! And after I am dead, people will try to fondle my shiny, shiny sword!
Durendal: ::shines shinily::
Roland: All of Europe knelt before my mighty sword!
Durendal: ::shines shinily::
Roland: It's got more relics per square inch than most of Vatican City!
Durendal: ::shines shinily::
Roland: In fact, it is the only thing on this battlefield whose destruction I have not had a hand in!
Durendal: ::shines shinily::
Roland: Clearly, there is only one solution here. ::BAM BAM BAM::
Durendal: ::does not break::
Roland: ... I totally meant for that to happen. Well, time to die! Again! Dear God, please bless all the lands I've conquered, France, my family, and Charles the Great. I'm really, really, really, really sorry for everything I've ever done. Really. Love, Roland. ::dies, finally::
Michael, Gabriel, and Some Totally Random Angel: Sweet Jesus, your soul weighs a ton. ::they all ascend into heaven::
***
Charlemagne: Peers of the Realm! Roll call!
::crickets::
Charlemagne: ::wibble:: Guys? Hello?
::tumbleweed::
Charlemagne: WAAAAAAAAH I MISS ROLAND.
Frankish Army: ::cries::
Many a Strong, Rude Warrior: ::swoons dramatically::
Naimon, Wisest of the Franks: Look, a retreating army! Let's slaughter them all so we'll feel better!
Charlemagne: Excellent idea! O God! Teach me to take just vengeance -- I have lost the flower of France!
Some Totally Random Angel: Yeah, God's totally pissed the huge pansy -- err, the "Flower of France" -- is dead. Get a move on and kill the suckers!
Paynim Army: ::runs into the Ebro River and dies::
Frankish Army: Yeah! Take that! That's what you get when you kill Roland!
***
Charlemagne: ::snores::
Gabriel: Honey, wake up! Put your shoes on, we're at grandma's!
Charlemagne: Snrk- wha? OMG STOP THE ARMY BEFORE THEY STEP ON ALL THE DEAD GUYS AND TRAMPLE ALL THE PRETTY FLOWERS.
Roland: ::still dead, yet prettily so::
Charlemagne: OMG ROLAND NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. ::swoons::
Naimon: ::slaps::
Charlemagne: Thanks, I needed that. OMG ROLAND NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. ::swoons::
Naimon: ::slaps::
Charlemagne: WHY ROLAND WHYYYYYYYYYYYY. ::tears out hair::
Frankish Army: ::cries::
Charlemagne: NOW YOU'RE DEEEEEAD AND MY EMPIRE WILL FAAAAAAAAAALL AND PEOPLE WILL SHOW UP AND ASK ME, WHERE'S ROLAND? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH HIM? AND I'LL BE ALL, HE'S DEAD, AND I'LL CRY EVERYDAY FOREEEEEEEEVER. ::tears out the rest of his hair::
Frankish Army: ::cries::
Naimon, Wisest of the Franks: Well, they ain't gettin' any deader! Let's get a move on with that burial detail!
Frankish Army: ::blow their horns for Roland one last time::
Narrator: And thus Roland and his special friend and Archbishop Turpin -- God, what a saint -- were embalmed after having their hearts cut out, which isn't weird AT ALL. And they all were dead happily ever after in France.
***
Alda, Oliver's
Charlemagne: Um, he died. Can I offer you another fiancé?
Alda: No. ::dies::
Charlemagne: OMG WILL YOU ALL STOP THAT THIS IS DEPRESSING ENOUGH ALREADY.
***
Ganelon: ::beaten with noodles::
Charlemagne: Gentlemen of the Jury, I ask you, what punishment is fit for this HORRIBLE HORRIBLE PERSON who TOTALLY SOLD OUT and killed ROLAND and his SPECIAL FRIEND and the rest of the 12 PEERS and is SUCH A TRAITOR I can't even BEGIN TO TELL YOU.
Ganelon: Hey, he totally tried to kill me first! Treason was it not!
The Jury: Sit we in judgement now! Talk like Yoda, we must!
Ganelon: Psst, Pinabel! Some help here?
Pinabel: PINABEL ANGRY! PINABEL SMASH!
The Jury: ::back slowly away from Pinabel:: Well, maybe we should just pardon Ganelon! I'm sure he meant well.
Charlemagne: YOU ALL SUCK.
Count Thierry the Hott: Never fear, Charles! I think Ganelon totally blows, and I'll fight any man who disagrees with me, even if they are massively strong and named after a My Little Pony!
Pinabel: ::SMASH!::
Thierry: ::SMASH!::
Pinabel: ::cuts on Thierry!::
Thierry: OMG YOU BASTARD MY SHIRT! AND MY FACE! MY BEAUTIFUL FACE! COUNT THIERRY SMASH!
Pinabel: ::dies::
Charlemagne: Awesome! Ok, now kill Ganelon and all his hostages!
Hostages: WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE US SO.
Ganelon: ::torn apart by wild horses, unlike the Stones::
Narrator: And let that be a lesson to you all: if you betray a fellow man, it is not right that you should boast... thereof... wait, what the hell?
EPILOGUE
Charlemagne: ::snores::
Gabriel: Wakey wakey, eggs and bac-y! It's time to march to that far city where the King of Ind is harassed by the Paynims!
Charlemagne: That's not a real place, you made that up. 15 more minutes?
Gabriel: OUT, LAZYBONES. DO YOU THINK I LIKE BEING YOUR ANGELIC ALARM CLOCK?
Charlemagne: HOW TIRESOME IS MY LIFE. ::cries::
THE END