spam part 2!

[shadydave]

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix: The Director's Cut
somehow, this turned into something of a musical by the end. i can only imagine baz lurhmann is directing.

Uncle Vernon: Potter, what are you doing down there?
Harry: Guessing. . .I guess Voldemort’s not on the news
Uncle Vernon: Well, get out from there.  Twit.
Harry: So, Dudley, beating up some more conspicuously named 10-year-olds?
Dudley: Yeah, well I see you have your long, hard stick out.
Harry: Dudley...
Dudley: ...The one you’re always playing with...
Harry: Dudley...
Dudley: And then you thrash and moan all night long, crying “Cedric! Cedric!”
Harry: Dudley, you’re making the slashers drool.
Dudley:  Oh, sorry. Say, is it awful cold out here?
Dementors: ::LOOM::
Harry: ::patronize!::
Dudley: ::twitch::
Mrs. Figg:  ::TA-DAAAAAAAA!!!!!::

Harry: ::angst::
Uncle Vernon: ::ROAR!::
Harry: ::expelled::
Mr. Weasley:  Dear Harry, Damn the Man!
Harry: ::not OFFICIALLY expelled::
Sirius: Dear Harry,  Sit. Stay.
Uncle Vernon: Dementoids...hmmm...curiously strong. I mean, ::ROAR!::
Aunt Petunia: ::plot twist!::

Harry: ::angst::
Lupin: Hello, Harry.  We thought we’d drop by and do a little breaking and entering.
Tonks: I’m a mighty metamorphin’ power magus! ::gratuitous hand motions::
Moody: All right, we’ll be flying in the Q-12.753:77J formation, running a AB74-6.97R interference pattern.  Anyone who blows off their buttocks will be left behind.  Any questions?
Harry: Yes.  Can we stop at a drive-through?  Angsting makes me hungry.

Harry: Gee, what a. . .nice. . .Fortress of Solitude.
Hermione and Ron: ::worry::
Harry: ::CAPITAL LETTER ANGST::
Sirius’s Mom: ::SCREECH::
Sirius: Sorry, Harry.  I think she’s still got you beat.

The Order of the Phoenix: Harry, we are Dumbledore’s crack team of Dark Wizard fighters.  And the namesakes of this movie.
Harry: Right-o.

Sirius: This is my family.  You will note that I am related to practically every major character in the series.  Especially the evil ones.  And this is my freepy house elf.
Kreacher: My precious. . .
Sirius: You’ll notice that I am represented by a hole that has no foreshadowing whatsoever.
Mrs. Weasley: I wish we could have gotten onto Trading Spaces. . .but our neighbors don’t know we live here.

Mr. Weasley: Look! It’s the Fountain of Foreshadowing!  Fortunately, the location of your hearing will allow us a comprehensive tour of the entire Ministry.  
Perkins: ::gasp, wheeze::
Mr. Weasley: What, boy?  Little Timmy’s fallen down the well?
Perkins: ::WHEEZE::
Mr. Weasley: Quick, Harry! They’re trying to undermine your confidence by making you late and putting you in criminal court!  But don’t worry, they outlawed trial by ordeal years ago!
Harry: . . .ok?

IN THE WIZARDING JUSTICE SYSTEM, SEVERE AND ESPECIALLY HEINOUS CASES ARE TRIED BY A SEPERATE, ANCIENT BODY. THIS IS THEIR STORY.

Law & Order: Wizengamot

::chung-chung!::
August 12: Provisional Hearing for the Use of Underage Magic, Courtroom 10
Fudge: Are you now, or have you ever been. . .AN UNDERAGE MAGIC USER?
Harry:  Yes?
Fudge: Ah-hah!  So you admit it then!
Harry: ...Wha?
::chung-chung!::
Dumbledore: I shall confound you with my long list of names!
Mrs. Figg:  I’d help you, but my crib notes are smudged.
Umbridge:  Hem hem.  Foreshadowing.
::chung-chung!::
Dumbledore: So we agree that, according to my impeccable logic, Harry is cool?
Wizengamot: Yeah, yeah, whatever.
::chung-chung!::

Hermione: What a surprise, I’m a prefect.
Ron:  Plot twist! I am too!
Harry: Excuse me while I angst. Again.
Moody: Here, this’ll cheer you up. This is a group photo of the original OotP. The one in the back making faces is Dumbledore.
Harry: Wow, that’s certainly a lot of. . .dead people.
Moody: Not really.  Some of them are only permanently incapacitated.
Harry: I’m part of Mrs. Weasley’s worst fears?  That’s creepy, yet oddly comforting.

Sirius: ::frolic::
Ron and Hermione: Sorry, Harry, we’re going to go sit with the cool people now.
Ginny: That’s ok, you can come angst with us underclassmen.  And Neville.  
Luna: I am quirky and quixotic, and the first of many hitherto unmentioned Ravenclaws.
Harry: Whoa. . .weird horses. I always just assumed there were coconuts involved.

Sorting Hat: ::sings:: Give peace a chance. . .We shall overcome. . .Let the circle be unbroken. . .
Umbridge: If you’re evil and you know it, clap your hands.  ::clap, clap!::
Ron: . . .if you’re ugly and you know it, clap your hands.
Hermione: It’s a conspiracy...they’re everywhere... ::twitch::
Seamus: You talkin’ ‘bout my momma, Potter?!
Harry: Yes.
Seamus: Yeah, well. . .you suck. . .psycho.
Harry: ::angst::

Snape: ::LOOM:: I will have you know that you had better score at least a 3 on your AP exam, or else.
Class: ...
Snape: Or rather, an ‘Acceptable’ on your O.W.L.’s. And if you become anorexic, I will hunt you down and make you sorry.
Class: ::flinch::
Snape: Now, spontaneous human combustion is no laughing matter...
Umbridge: Potter, I am afraid angsting is not allowed in this classroom. Please report to the Assistant Headmistress’s office.

FredandGeorge: Not tested on animals. Just first years.
Ron: Good luck explaining that to Madame DeFarge over there.
McGonagall: Students, you are about to be introduced to the wondrous phenomenon known as standardized testing. Any child left behind will have a series of authorial errors named after them.
Umbridge: Ah, there’s nothing like old fashioned sadistic abuse to nurture young minds.

Percy: Dear Ron, Harry sucks. He has no friends. This should include you.
Sirius: Thought I’d pop in and help you get ahead in life. Get it? A Head?

Hermione: Honestly, I wasn’t expecting a kind of High Inquisition!
Umbridge: NO ONE EXPECTS THE HIGH INQUISITION!
Harry: Well, there were comfy pillows in our Divination class...
Hermione: Harry, will you pleeeeeeeeeease lead our DADA group?
Harry: Just as long as it doesn’t have an embarrassing acronym.
Ron: Vive le resistance!

Harry: Well, this seems to be a quality establishment. I want a shower.
Hermione: Join the club! We have jackets!
Harry: Zacharias Smith, are you chewing gum?
Zacharias Smith: ...Maybe...
Harry: Well, I hope you brought enough for everyone. So, anyone up for learning some DADA?

Educational Decree Number 24: All programs not included in Umbridge Youth will be terminated with extreme prejudice.
Ron: Why does only the girls’ dormitory get a fun-slide?
Sirius: Come on, form a rebel organization. I dare you. I triple-dog dare you!
Hermione: Hmm...maybe this isn’t such a great idea after all.
Harry: What? Why?
Hermione: Well, 1) It’s being endorsed by a victim of adult ADD with cabin fever, and 2) he can’t triple-dog dare us. There’s only one of him.
Harry: Yeah, well...shut up.

Harry: Hey, a CG character had a sensible suggestion! Off to the Room of Requirement!
Hermione: All right, everyone, sign your name right here...in blood...we’ll accept donations of either your soul or your first-born.
Harry: Wow, you’re getting more and more scary as the series progresses.
Ron: Why are we the District Attorneys?

Harry: Ahh, Quidditch...nothing solves my problems like an extremely violent sport.
The Slytherin Tabernacle Choir: ::sing::
Harry: Though I am grudgingly impressed by your mastery of rhyme and meter, I must defend the honor of my momma. Do you want to take this outside, Malfoy?
Malfoy: We are outside, dumbass.
Harry: In that case...
The Quidditch Teams: ::rumble!::
Umbridge: I guess this means that I’ll just have to suck even more fun out of your life.

Hermione: Hagrid, are you in an abusive relationship?
Hagrid: ...no...
Ron: You know you have to make it clear when it’s hurting, not flirting.
Hagrid: ...I know...
Harry: If they are violating your boundaries, you have to cleanly cut off all lines of communication!
Hermione: If someone was violating *my* boundaries, that’s not all I’d cut off.
Hagrid: So anyway, about those giants...

Hagrid: This term we will be studying thestrals, or “terror incognitas”. I figure if you can’t actually see them, then they can’t scare you, right?
Thestrals: ::CHOMP::
Class: Uh...sure.
Umbridge: Now, how do we spell “incompetent oaf”?

D.A.: ::zap!::
Cho: ::sob::
Harry: Err...pat pat, there there?
Cho: My hero... ::SMOOCH::
Hermione: I hate to tell you, Harry, but relationships started under intense circumstances never last.
Ron: Since when did you become the Dear Abby of Gryffindor Tower?
Hermione: Well, I do know some stuff. Like how horrible it is when you really like someone and they don’t even notice, despite your repeated attempts to subtly alert them to the fact.
Ron: Yeah, that would suck, wouldn’t it?
Hermione: ::sigh::

Dream Harry: Oh no! I’ve got big, nasty, pointy teeth!
Dumbledore: Philosophical blah blah blah...mystical mumbo-jumbo...yep, Mr. Weasley’s been attacked.
Harry: What are you doing?
Dumbledore: I’m averting my eyes, O Harry.
Harry: Well, stop that. I hate it.
Dumbledore: Sorry, no can do.
Weasleys: ::angst::
Sirius: Hmm...so you’re saying that if people get hurt enough, then I’ll have visitors? ::twitch::
Harry: Umm...no.
Mr. Weasley: Visiting hours are 9 to 5, but if you show up at 10 past 6 then I already know somehow that someway you’ll sneak yourselves in.

Harry: Maybe they should just register me as a lethal weapon.
Hermione: Don’t worry, Harry. I’m sure your angst could repel any possession.
Harry: You know, It’s kind of refreshing when Christmas decorations go up at Christmas time as opposed to October. I think Sirius missed his calling as an interior decorator.
Hermione: Look, it’s a Lockhart! Can we keep him?
Ron: No, we have to go into the Plot Advancement Ward.
Hermione: Oh.

Snape: Congratulations, Potter. Some kind of infernal plot device, and Dumbledore, has dictated that I give you private mind-violating lessons. And you will address me as sir.
Harry: Don’t stand so close to me!
Snape: Civility...making...head hurt...must use...punch-bowl of foreshadowing...
Harry: I feel violated.
Snape: Stop dreaming about top-secret stuff! One million points from Gryffid-- I mean, you’re not making enough effort.
Harry: Noo! I have maniacal evil-villain laughter! What have I become?

Ron: Is that the “Great Escape” theme music I keep hearing?
Hermione: I *knew* the Ministry shouldn’t have given Antonin Dolohov that baseball.
Harry: Wait, didn’t he kill Fabio?
Ron: No, there was a terrible mix-up. Some ill-defined relatives of mine are dead, and Fabio still appears shirtless on the covers of millions of romance novels.
Harry: Is there any justice in this world?

Harry: So...did you see that sky today? Talk about blue.
Cho: Yes, Harry. Riveting.
Harry: Sorry I have to interrupt our hot date/crying spree, but I have to hang out with my girl friend.
Cho: I hate you!
Harry: Wait! There was a very important space in that word!
Rita Skeeter: So, Harry, what are your feelings on life? Love? The search for happiness?
Hermione: I was thinking more along the lines of Death Eaters and megalomania and the Apacolypse.
Rita: Close enough.

Harry: Wow, this is the first time they’ve banned a magazine that people really *do* want to read only for the articles.
Voldemort: Ah pity da foo’! ::zap!::
Harry: Sympathy for the Snape! ARRGH! IT BURNS!
Umbridge: I’m sorry, ironically named Sibyll, but I’m afraid I’m just going to fire your scrawny, spangled, completely un-clairvoyant butt.
Dumbledore: I’m sorry, homophonically named Umbridge, but I’m afraid I’m just going to have to shoot you down. In flames.

Firenze: There might be a point to stargazing. Or there might not. It’s all infinite. So basically...yeah. Whatever. Shibby.
Harry: What kind of incense are we burning again?
D.A.: ::patronize!::
Dobby: ::twitch::
Harry: What, boy? Has little Timmy fallen down the well again?
Dobby: ::TWITCH::
Harry: IT’S THE FUZZ!!!!! RUN AWAY!!!!!
D.A.: ::best impression of fleeing trailer-trash on COPS, with similar results::
Dumbledore: All right, who keeps on humming “the Authority Song”?
Umbridge: Somebody’s bus-ted...
Marietta: ::drool::
Dumbledore: Or not. Actually, *I* rather feel like evading the law today. ::insufferably cool zap!::

Slytherin Tabernacle Choir: The Inquisition, oh what fun! The Inquisition, spy on everyone!
Hermione: I think I read about this in Hogwarts: A History, Part 1.
Umbridge: So...what would you like to drink?
Harry: Something not drugged, thanks.
Umbridge: I’m sorry, we’re all out. Now...WHAT IS YOUR NAME?
Harry: Puddin’ tame.
Umbridge: WHAT IS YOUR QUEST?
Harry: Under a sieve...whoops, wrong question.
Umbridge: WHAT...IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?
Harry: Green. HAH! I bet you thought I was going to say blue!
FredandGeorge: ::MAYHEM! PANDEMONIUM! HAVOC!::

Harry: Whoops, I’ve “accidentally” fallen into the punch bowl of foreshadowing...
James: I’m too xesy fro my hari.
Sirius: You’re too sexy for your hair?
James: Aww, thanks. I’m also a raging egomaniac.
Lupin: I fear rejection.
Peter: I’m a follower.
Sirius: I have attention deficit dis-- Hey! Let’s go bother Snape!
MWPP: ::botherbotherbother::
Snape: Grr! Argh!
James: ::zap!::
Snape: ::underwear!::
Harry: ARRGH! IT BURNS!
Lily: Feel the loathing.
Harry: Illusions...shattering...role-models...not perfect...angst attacking...
Snape: POTTER! I’M GOING TO CARVE YOUR HEART OUT WITH A SPOON!!!!!
Harry: RUN AWAY!!!!!

McGonagall: So, Potter, what do you want to be when you grow up?
Umbridge: I think Harry here is interested in a career in the Custodial Arts.
McGonagall: ...You want to be a janitor?
Harry: No, I want to be an Auror. Or an astronaut.
Umbridge: Hah! Over my dead body.
McGonagall: Gladly. I mean, I’m sure Potter can do whatever he sets his mind to.
Umbridge: ::glareofdoom::
McGonagall: ::glowerofdeath::
Harry: I’ll just see myself out...

Harry: Why didn’t you tell me my dad was a jerk?
Sirius: Well, I was a jerk too. In fact, we were all jerks.
Lupin: There’s a little jerk in all of us, Harry.
Harry: Oh, ok.

Fred: We don’t need no education!
George: We don’t need no thought control!
FredandGeorge: No dark sarcasm in the classroom!
Snape: Why is everyone looking at me?
FredandGeorge: Teacher, leave them kids alone! Sayonara, suckers! ::big musical swell as they fly off into the sunset::

Harry: Buddy, you’re a young boy, poor boy playing in the streets, gonna be a big man some day.
Ron: Let’s just say I consider it a challenge before the whole human race that I’m gonna lose.
Hagrid: Enough with the rock opera, it’s time for my subplot.
Harry: Hermione, you can practice your non-human relations now!
Hermione: Aw HELL no.
Ron: ...I’ve had my share of sad kicks in my face, but I’ve pulled through!
Harry: There’s no need to go on and on and on...
Gryffindors: WEEEEEEEEEEEEE ARE THE CHAAAAAAAMPIONS...

Hermione: Just say no to drugs! Besides, I’ve seen this dragon pill stuff on infomercials.
Ron: Ohh, does that mean we’ll get a free light-up revolving tie rack?
Harry: While supplies last.
Proctor: Welcome to your O.W.L. testing facility. Please turn to page one of your answer sheet. Print your name, last name first, in the section marked “name”. Then fill in the corresponding bubbles beneath your name. Please raise your head when you are done.
Class: ...
Proctor: Please turn to page two of your answer sheet, and fill in the appropriate answers in the sections marked Address, Birth date, Ethnicity and Gender. If you are confused or unsure as to which Gender you are supposed to be, please resist the temptation to fill in both bubbles and consult the HP Lexicon. Look up when you have finished.
Class: ...
Proctor: Please turn to page one of your question booklet. You are about to take the multiple-choice portion of your exam. After you have read each question, examine the possible answers below it, and fill in the corresponding letter, A,B,C,D,or E, to the answer that is most correct. Be sure to make your mark heavy and dark. Also be careful as to completely erase any unwanted answers or stray marks, as these may be read as your intended answer.
Class: ...
Proctor: Once you have completed the Multiple Choice section, you may go back to any multiple choice question, but may not return to any other portion of the exam. After you have completed this section of the exam, you may not discuss the multiple choice questions with anyone, ever. To do so would risk your test scores being invalidated, your permanent record burned, your bank accounts frozen, your house seized, your family and any close friends held hostage, and nuclear warfare precipitated against a small, unarmed neutral country. If you notice anyone discussing the multiple choice questions, please call the Wizarding Testing Services or your local chapter of the S.S. Please raise your hand if you have any questions.
Class: ...
Proctor: You may turn your papers over and begin!

Umbridge: Ba ba dabaa, da bah. Buh buh ba dah, bu bah da bah, buh ba da BAAAaaaaaAAAAaaaaaAAAaaa--
Harry: Is she doing her own theme music?
Ron: I am so glad I’m in the Astronomy tower for all this.
Hagrid: You’re making me angry. You won’t like me when I’m angry...
Umbridge: I don’t like you now.
Hagrid: Good. ::ROAR!::
McGonagall: Here I come, to save the--
Umbridge’s Posse: ::zap!::
McGonagall: --damn. ::fallover::

Harry: The voices in my head are telling me I must save Sirius!
Hermione: No, Harry! “The Empire Strikes Back,” have not you watched?
Harry: Well, what do you suggest I do?
Hermione: Through my checklist of sensible precautions, we run!
Umbridge: ::nab!::
Harry: Oh yeah, this was a REAL sensible plan.
Snape: I’ll just ::hint hint:: “ignore” ::wink wink:: your pleas for help. ::nudge nudge::
Umbridge: MWAHAHA! I have you now!
Hermione: Wait! You have to come see my devious plot!
Centaurs: We kill you, ugly lady!
Hermione: Yay!
Centaurs: We kill you too, devious schoolgirl!
Harry: Hermione, there’s something I’ve always wanted to tell you: your non-people skills SUCK.
Grawp: ME GRAWP! YOU HERMY! I FRIGHTEN EVERYONE WITH CAPS LOCK KEY!!!!!
Harry: ...I probably should have thought of that.

Harry: Leave me alone so I can go on my reckless suicide mission. Because I don’t have a complex or anything.
Ron: But Harry, everyone knows you can’t attack the badguys without a ragtag band of misfits.
Harry: Fine. But anyone who utters so much as one peep of friendly banter gets the pudding hexed out of them.
Luna: Thank you for flying Thestral Airways. Please keep your arms, legs, and any dead animals close to you at all times. Have a nice flight!

Harry: You know, it’s a shame Chris Columbus isn’t directing anymore.
Hermione: Why?
Harry: Because abandoned children outwitting the pursuing adults using only their natural wits and the environment is his forte.
Ron: He’s got a point. Speaking of which...
Death Eaters: Mwahaha!
Harry: ::gasp:: It’s a trap!
Audience: NO KIDDING.
Harry: Well, there’s only one thing I can do to save this situation.
Lucius Malfoy: Give me the prophecy?
Harry: No.
Lucius Malfoy: Drop over dead?
Harry: No.
Lucius Malfoy: What, then?
Harry: Escalate property damage and RUNAWAY!!!!!
Everyone: ::flee!::

Neville: Whoopsies.
Prophecy: ::smash!::
Harry: Well, I’m sure that plot point won’t be very important.

The OotP: Here we come, to save the--
Death Eaters: ::zap!::
OotP: --damn. ::fallover::

Beyond the Veil: Take 1
Harry: This is horrible! I’ve led my friends into danger and started a full scale battle! Things could only get worse if someone I’m close to dies in a mysterious metaphysical manner!
Sirius: Don’t worry, Harry! Not only do I survive this battle, but we’ll sail off into the sunset preaching our doctrine of tolerance, feminism and free love!
Everyone: ::blank stares::
Sirius: What? It’s not like anyone reads the books anymore.

Beyond the Veil: Take 2
Harry: This is horrible! I’ve led my friends into danger and started a full scale battle! Things could only get worse if someone I’m close to dies in a mysterious metaphysical manner!
Sirius: Let me get this straight: I indirectly cause the death of my best friend, get framed for murder, get sent to prison with depression inducing creatures of the night, break out years later to keep the real traitor from harming my godson, lose my chance to clear my name, leave tropical paradise to go back into hiding so I can continue to look after said godson, fail to do so resulting in the return of the most evil being in recent history, and finally spend a year in the traumatic house of my scarred childhood, and my big death scene is to fall over?
Harry: Pretty much, yeah.
Sirius: Damn, that’s ironic.

Beyond the Veil: Take 3
Harry: This is horrible! I’ve led my friends into danger and started a full scale battle! Things could only get worse if someone I’m close to dies in a mysterious, metaphysical matter!
Sirius: ::dies in mysterious, metaphysical manner::
Harry: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--
Lupin: Harry, no! There’s nothing you can do for him!
Harry: --OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--
Lupin: Don’t throw your life away! He’s gone!
Harry: --OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--
Lupin: He’s dead! Deceased! He has shuffled off this mortal coil! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! He would be pushing up the daisies if we actually knew where his body went! THIS IS AN EX-SIRIUS!!!!!
Harry: --OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--
Lupin: Harry, you need to breathe.
Harry: --OOOOOOOOO!!!!! ::gasp:: ::hiccup::

Harry: Hello. My name is Harry Potter. You killed my godfather. Prepare to die. ::zap!::
Bellatrix: You don’t scare me. But I can scare you!
Harry: Try me.
Bellatrix: Voldemort’s my sugar-daddy.
Harry: You’re bluffing.
Voldemort: Bella!
Harry: ARRGH! IT BURNS!!!!!
Voldemort: Dude, where’s my Prophecy?
Bellatrix: Where’s the Prophecy, dude?
Voldemort: DUDE, where’s my Prophecy?
Harry: The Prophecy is gone, dude.
Voldemort: Did you hear that, my ickle muffin of doom? The Prophecy is gone. Extra whippings for someone tonight...
Harry: DUDE. Either start attacking me or get a room!
Voldemort: Fine. ::zap!::
Dumbledore: ::TA-DAAAAAAAAA!!!!!::
Voldemort: So...Dumbledore. We meet again, for the first time, for the last time.
Dumbledore: Ground control to Major Tom, your circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong...
Voldemort: ::zap!::
Dumbledore: ::pow!::
Voldemort: ::biff!::
Dumbledore: ::bam!::
Voldemort: ::splat!::
Dumbledore: ::kazam!::
Voldemort: That’s it, I’m attacking someone with fewer action bubbles.
Dumbledore: In that case, I’m just going to have to thwart you with a tacky magical fountain.
Voldemort: Curse you and your tacky magical fountain!
Dumbledore: That was your point, wasn’t it?
Voldemort: Yeah, well let’s see how you like your Prophecy-boy when his head spins around and vomits pea soup!
Harry: Ouchies. Well, at least I’ll be able to see Sirius in the land of sunshine and ponies and rainbows and fluffy kittens...
Voldemort: ARRGH! IT BURNS!!!!! ::flee!::
Bellatrix: Wait, don’t leave me here with the angst! ::flee!::
Dumbledore: Well, this has been something less than a victory.

Harry: ::twitch::
Dumbledore: Harry--
Harry: ::CAPITAL LETTER ANGST::
Dumbledore: Let me know when you’re done, and I’ll explain a pivotal part of the series.
Harry: Fine. ::sniffle::
Dumbledore: Sit down, Harry. I’m going to tell you everything.

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

Dumbledore: Wouldn’t it be wild if the movie just stopped right here?
Harry: Don’t make me get my capital letter angst.
Dumbledore: All right, all right. No need to get threatening. Blah blah blah prophecy blah blah blah kill Voldemort blah blah blah Neville blah blah blah your future sucks blah.
Harry: Yes, but why did I have to lose another father-figure?
Dumbledore: I though some fallibility would cure my Obi-Wan Kenobi Syndrome, but the price I paid in your angst was far too high. My bad.
Harry: But why couldn’t Voldemort possess me? Why am I so special?
Dumbledore: Well, you see, Harry...
Brass Band: ::jumps out from behind desk::
Dumbledore: There's nothing you can do that can't be done...
String Quartet: ::pops out from bookcase::
Dumbledore: Nothing you can sing that can't be sung...
Wind Ensemble: ::step out from behind tapestry::
Dumbledore: Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game;
It's easy!
Band: ::big musical swell::
Dumbledore: ::sings:: All you need is love!
Harry: ::bursts into hysterical sobs::

Snape: Well, Potter, in order to keep some consistency in your life, I have decided that I still hate you with the fiery passion of a thousand suns.
Harry: Likewise. I’ll just go wallow in my grief now.
Luna: Don’t feel bad, my life sucks too. I suggest pudding.
Harry: Hey...I like pudding. Thanks!

Harry: I miss the good ole’ days of Goblet of Fire...
Malfoy: Like the part where I attack you?
D.A.: Hey, we liked that part too! ::zap!::
Harry: Hey, despite my anti-social behavior, people still like me! They really like me!
Uncle Vernon: Grr--
Harry: Don’t even start. My angst is lethal.
Moody: Plus, we’ll beat you up.
Harry: And there’s nothing like a good threat to finish it all off.

FINIS

davita me fieri fecit