The Amazing Misadventures of Dave...
Jun. 28th, 2006 01:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shadydave...On Vacation!
Saturday
Dad: So you know that cot of your grandmother's?
Me: ...yes?
Dad: Oh, good. You can sleep on that.
Me: ... Why don't I have a bed?
Sunday
Me: So, where are we going to eat tonight?
Dad: K&W, of course.
Me: What about breakfast?
Dad: K&W.
Me: Dad, are you planning to eat breakfast and dinner at the K&W everyday for 5 days?
Dad: What's wrong with that? They have a lot of variety.
later
Me: Wow, this place looks terrible.
Grandma: I guess they're still doing renovations.
Me: Well, I hope you got a good discount on the room.
Dad: We are, and RRRR WHY ARE THERE NO PARKING SPOTS?
Me: That would probably be because the entire first floor of the garage is filled with furniture and carpets.
At various times
Elevator: ::goes up::
Us: ::wait patiently::
Elevator: ::goes down::
Us: ::wait patiently::
Elevator: ::skips our floor, goes directly to 15th story::
Dad: I told you we should have used the other elevator. Let's go.
Me: We're just going to have to wait for that one too, you know.
Elevator: ::finally arrives, filled with 13 people who have just gone swimming and are sopping wet::
Me: I'll go take the stairs.
Monday-Thursday
Me: So, Dad, do you think that when you get up in the morning, you could maybe not open the curtains right next to my cot and let the sun shine DIRECTLY ON MY FACE?
Dad: But then the room will be all dark.
Me: Yes, that's what is typical when you are TRYING TO SLEEP.
The Next Morning:
Grandma: Could we get some light in here?
Dad: ::flings open curtains::
Me: ::groans, pulls sheet over head::
Grandma: Is she going to suffocate?
Other Activities:
- sitting in the room
- watching TV
- sleeping
- sitting outside*
- swimming in ocean*
- walking on beach*
- reading**
* limited to myself and my father
** just me
So, in all my copious free time, I read a book by Mary Shelley. You know, that chick who wrote Frankenstein.
The Last Man: or, Everyone I Know Has Died and Nature Isn't Really Much of a Consolation, Dammit
By Mary Shelley
Author: So, I was on vacation in Italy with a whole lot of people who are dead now and we found the Sibyl's cave from the Aeneid and we kleptoed a whole bunch of leaves from the floor. They're written in strange and ancient tongues: Linear A, Linear B, Phoenician, Chaldean, Egyptian, Latin, Quenya, Klingon. Naturally, they're about... THE FUTURE!!!!!
Lionel: Once upon a time, I was a shepherd and it sucked. ThenShelley Adrian found me and it was awesome.
Shelley Adrian: I love you, Princess Evadne!
Evadne: But I love LordByron Raymond!
Shelley Adrian: ::goes crazy::
LordByron Raymond: Hey Lionel, your sister Perdita is totally hot. Can I marry her?
Lionel: Sure, whatever. YO ADRIAN!
Shelley Adrian: Ok, I'm better now, except for my frail constitution. What?
Lionel: Your sister Idris is totally hot. Can I marry her?
Shelley Adrian: Sure, whatever.
INTEREA AD BRITTANIAM...
Evadne: Here's a sub-rate design for a building or something.
LordByron Raymond: Gee, Evadne, sub-rate architecture really turns me on! ::they have an affair::
Perdita: OMGBYRON RAYMOND YOU SUCK.
LordByron Raymond: OMG I CAN'T HANDLE THIS KIND OF STRESS I'M GOING TO GO TO GREECE AND START A WAR INSTEAD SO THERE.
INTEREA AD GRAECAM
LordByron Raymond: Whee, Greek Independence! I feel kind of ill. ::gets captured::
Perdita: OMG I TOTALLY FORGIVE HIM NOW.
LordByron Raymond: Wow, it was nice of everyone to come rescue me. Let's go invade Constantinople!
Lionel: Doesn't it have ...THE PLAGUE dun dun DUN?
LordByron Raymond: So? Time for my heroic last charge!
Lionel: Dude, everyone is DEAD.
LordByron Raymond: Oh well ::dies::
Lionel: Sorry, Perdita.Byron Raymond's snuffed it.
Perdita: OMG NO! Did he get sick?
Lionel: Actually, a building blew up and fell on him.
Readers: ...
Mary Shelley: He would have wanted it that way.
INTEREA AD BRITTANIAM
Lionel: Anyways, my sister killed herself very Romantically, so I went back to England to hang with my niece and my family andShelley Adrian. YO ADRIAN! Everything was peachy except for the part where the entire rest of the world died of ...THE PLAGUE dun dun DUN.
Shelley Adrian: Sickness! Death! Public unrest! Chaos! It's my time to shine!
Lionel: Wow, it sure is lucky our family doesn't have the plague, eh Idris?
Idris: Sure. That's why I'll worry myself to death in case we MIGHT get the plague!
Lionel: Sounds good!
Shelley Adrian: Ok, it's really depressing being stuck on an island with lots of dead people. Everyone in Europe has kicked it, let's take the remaining populace and go touring!
Lionel's son: ::dies::
Lionel's wife: ::dies::
Lionel: ::gets plague, does not die::
Readers: ... I thought everyone died from the plague.
Lionel: I'm special.
INTEREA AD GALLIAM
Crazy religious dude: REPENT! BE HEALED! GIVE ME YOUR SOUL AND YOU'LL BE SAVED!
Shelley Adrian: Pffffffft.
Crazy religious freaks: RAAAAAAAAAA.
Shelley Adrian: That's it, me and the rest of the human race are going to Switzerland.
Lionel: What, all 500 of us?
Shelley Adrian: Yep!
INTEREA AD HELVELTICAM
The rest of the human race: ::dies::
Shelley Adrian: Ok, roll call. Lionel!
Lionel: YO ADRIAN!
Shelley Adrian: Lionel's niece Clara!
Lionel's niece Clara: Here!
Shelley Adrian: Lionel's son Evelyn!
Lionel's son Evelyn: Goo!
Lionel: Why the hell did I name my son Evelyn? What was I thinking?
Shelley Adrian: Well, on to Italy!
INTEREA AD ITALIAM
Shelley Adrian: Well, let's see. We've got Lionel and Evelyn and the last unrelated female and male! 4 people can totally repopulate the planet!
Clara: 3. Evelyn just died of typhoid.
Lionel: OMG TYPHOID WTF.
Clara: Let's go boating in a thunderstorm!
Shelley Adrian: Sounds great! ::they die::
Lionel: OMG BOATING WTF.
Readers: Wow, that sounds... familiar.
INTEREA AD ROMAM
Lionel: Wow, I guess that makes me THE LAST MAN. Excuse me while I go cry for the rest of eternity.
Mary Shelley: And that's why being alone sucks. THE END.
Last weekend was fun. Kirstin came home for my parents' anniversary and yelled at the World Cup a lot. She also gave me more House and made me watch Supernatural, which I shall henceforward refer to as "spoon" (SPooN, if you like; if CHiPs can do it, so can I), because it annoys her. It's a pretty awesome show.
Finally, yesterday my dad decided to do some family bonding by making me hold the ladder while he tried to toss decomposing leaf manure on my head, a process also known to the uninitiated as "cleaning the gutters". An excerpt:
Me: Ok, dad, make sure you chuck it to the right, away from me.
Dad: ::throws huge wet smelly wad of leaves to left::
Me: YOUR OTHER RIGHT.
In other exciting news, I think the road trip is definitely going to be 7/21-23. I shall call everyone and harass you about it today.
Saturday
Dad: So you know that cot of your grandmother's?
Me: ...yes?
Dad: Oh, good. You can sleep on that.
Me: ... Why don't I have a bed?
Sunday
Me: So, where are we going to eat tonight?
Dad: K&W, of course.
Me: What about breakfast?
Dad: K&W.
Me: Dad, are you planning to eat breakfast and dinner at the K&W everyday for 5 days?
Dad: What's wrong with that? They have a lot of variety.
later
Me: Wow, this place looks terrible.
Grandma: I guess they're still doing renovations.
Me: Well, I hope you got a good discount on the room.
Dad: We are, and RRRR WHY ARE THERE NO PARKING SPOTS?
Me: That would probably be because the entire first floor of the garage is filled with furniture and carpets.
At various times
Elevator: ::goes up::
Us: ::wait patiently::
Elevator: ::goes down::
Us: ::wait patiently::
Elevator: ::skips our floor, goes directly to 15th story::
Dad: I told you we should have used the other elevator. Let's go.
Me: We're just going to have to wait for that one too, you know.
Elevator: ::finally arrives, filled with 13 people who have just gone swimming and are sopping wet::
Me: I'll go take the stairs.
Monday-Thursday
Me: So, Dad, do you think that when you get up in the morning, you could maybe not open the curtains right next to my cot and let the sun shine DIRECTLY ON MY FACE?
Dad: But then the room will be all dark.
Me: Yes, that's what is typical when you are TRYING TO SLEEP.
The Next Morning:
Grandma: Could we get some light in here?
Dad: ::flings open curtains::
Me: ::groans, pulls sheet over head::
Grandma: Is she going to suffocate?
Other Activities:
- sitting in the room
- watching TV
- sleeping
- sitting outside*
- swimming in ocean*
- walking on beach*
- reading**
* limited to myself and my father
** just me
So, in all my copious free time, I read a book by Mary Shelley. You know, that chick who wrote Frankenstein.
The Last Man: or, Everyone I Know Has Died and Nature Isn't Really Much of a Consolation, Dammit
By Mary Shelley
Author: So, I was on vacation in Italy with a whole lot of people who are dead now and we found the Sibyl's cave from the Aeneid and we kleptoed a whole bunch of leaves from the floor. They're written in strange and ancient tongues: Linear A, Linear B, Phoenician, Chaldean, Egyptian, Latin, Quenya, Klingon. Naturally, they're about... THE FUTURE!!!!!
Lionel: Once upon a time, I was a shepherd and it sucked. Then
Evadne: But I love Lord
Lord
Lionel: Sure, whatever. YO ADRIAN!
Lionel: Your sister Idris is totally hot. Can I marry her?
INTEREA AD BRITTANIAM...
Evadne: Here's a sub-rate design for a building or something.
Lord
Perdita: OMG
Lord
INTEREA AD GRAECAM
Lord
Perdita: OMG I TOTALLY FORGIVE HIM NOW.
Lord
Lionel: Doesn't it have ...THE PLAGUE dun dun DUN?
Lord
Lionel: Dude, everyone is DEAD.
Lord
Lionel: Sorry, Perdita.
Perdita: OMG NO! Did he get sick?
Lionel: Actually, a building blew up and fell on him.
Readers: ...
Mary Shelley: He would have wanted it that way.
INTEREA AD BRITTANIAM
Lionel: Anyways, my sister killed herself very Romantically, so I went back to England to hang with my niece and my family and
Lionel: Wow, it sure is lucky our family doesn't have the plague, eh Idris?
Idris: Sure. That's why I'll worry myself to death in case we MIGHT get the plague!
Lionel: Sounds good!
Lionel's son: ::dies::
Lionel's wife: ::dies::
Lionel: ::gets plague, does not die::
Readers: ... I thought everyone died from the plague.
Lionel: I'm special.
INTEREA AD GALLIAM
Crazy religious dude: REPENT! BE HEALED! GIVE ME YOUR SOUL AND YOU'LL BE SAVED!
Crazy religious freaks: RAAAAAAAAAA.
Lionel: What, all 500 of us?
INTEREA AD HELVELTICAM
The rest of the human race: ::dies::
Lionel: YO ADRIAN!
Lionel's niece Clara: Here!
Lionel's son Evelyn: Goo!
Lionel: Why the hell did I name my son Evelyn? What was I thinking?
INTEREA AD ITALIAM
Clara: 3. Evelyn just died of typhoid.
Lionel: OMG TYPHOID WTF.
Clara: Let's go boating in a thunderstorm!
Lionel: OMG BOATING WTF.
Readers: Wow, that sounds... familiar.
INTEREA AD ROMAM
Lionel: Wow, I guess that makes me THE LAST MAN. Excuse me while I go cry for the rest of eternity.
Mary Shelley: And that's why being alone sucks. THE END.
Last weekend was fun. Kirstin came home for my parents' anniversary and yelled at the World Cup a lot. She also gave me more House and made me watch Supernatural, which I shall henceforward refer to as "spoon" (SPooN, if you like; if CHiPs can do it, so can I), because it annoys her. It's a pretty awesome show.
Finally, yesterday my dad decided to do some family bonding by making me hold the ladder while he tried to toss decomposing leaf manure on my head, a process also known to the uninitiated as "cleaning the gutters". An excerpt:
Me: Ok, dad, make sure you chuck it to the right, away from me.
Dad: ::throws huge wet smelly wad of leaves to left::
Me: YOUR OTHER RIGHT.
In other exciting news, I think the road trip is definitely going to be 7/21-23. I shall call everyone and harass you about it today.