School Newspaper

"It is clear to the Nut that magicism has been spreading in Upper Derby. It is quite a common occurrence to see graffiti against witches in the stalls of the girl's bathroom, and it has become even more common to throw garlic at the vampire children in the Kindergarten Center. This incident occurred so frequently to one vampire child, that her parents, Edward and Bella Cullen, withdrew their daughter from school. Bella Cullen said to the Nut, "This is ridiculous, honestly! She's not even a vampire! She's a hybrid between a vampire and a human! Seriously, everyone is just really jealous of my beautiful baby and her super-long name!" Edward Cullen followed this statement with, "Help me! Please, get me away from that woman!"

-- "Magic Must Defeat Magicism", The Nut, April 1, 2010