pretty fly (for a white guy)
Jul. 10th, 2010 12:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shadydaveMy subject line is a lie, the movie was terrible.
(If you haven't heard of the whitewashing casting fail, check out racebending.com for more info. I also recently read this article, which has both thoughtful analyses of current and historical fail AND awesome pictures from the show.)
THE LAST FAILBENDER
The movie begins with a resounding SPLAT, as the Paramount stars soar around their mountain in little watery coronas. Awesome. Also, Nickelodeon has a new logo and I don't like it.
VOICEOVER!KATARA: You'd think this. Would be a good time? To get all the exposition out. Of the way but I'm just going. To read you the World's Most Unhelpful. Title crawl instead, which is maddeningly. Confusing also, blah blah four. Nations blah, blah Aaaaavatar DISAPPEARED --
KIRSTIN AND I: FWOOSH!
VOICEOVER!KATARA: blah blah OK SERIOUSLY WHO. IS MESSING WITH MY. TELEPROMPTER, THESE ARE GOING TO BE THE. WORST LINE READINGS EVER.
I don't know why they just didn't use her opening speech from the first episode, which covers all the bases AND updates everyone on the situation. I also don't know why it sounds like she can't read. The words are right there on the screen! Just pause a bit at the punctuation, you'll be just fine!
I know there is a fad for "correcting" pronunciations in this movie, but I think "Aaaavatar" might be a little much. ALSO ALSO, THOSE ARE RANDOM SQUIGGLES BEHIND THE SILHOUETTED BENDERS, NOT CHINESE CHARACTERS, WHAT THE HELL.
KIRSTIN: Dave, I don't think I can take much more of this.
ME: ...The movie just started.
KIRSTIN: Yes, that's the problem.
THE SOUTH POLE
Great, now I'm getting snow blindness from watching the cast, too.
KATARA: ::drops floating globule of water onSokka "Soakka"::
Aaaaaaaand that's pretty much it for representing the show's sense of whimsy. Instead of whimsy, we get exposition!
VOICEOVER!KATARA: In this time of war, food is scarce. My brother and I often go hunting for food, but unfortunately my brother isn't the best hunter in the world.
1) Shouldn't Morgan Freeman be narrating this?
2) If Soakka, the oldest dude left in the tribe, can't hunt, HOW ARE THEY ALL GETTING ENOUGH FOOD?
Instead of tiger-seals, Katara and Soakka find a giant, empty sheet of ice, which starts cracking when they try to cross it, and they get attacked by an army of Saxons -- wait, sorry, no. They notice something weird and glowy beneath the ice, so Soakka hits it with his boomerang, and a giantFerraro Rocher iceberg rises from the depths. Then Katara hits THAT with the boomerang, no reason given. It's ok, if I was stuck in this movie, I would randomly hit things too.
ILM TECH #!: Gary, that's an ion cannon. We finished The Empire Strikes Back thirty years ago! You have to let go!
ILM TECH #2: ::sob:: I JUST REALLY MISS WORKING ON HOTH, OKAY?
THE FAILBOAT
ZUKO'S FAUXHAWK: Hmmm, intriguing.
Meanwhile, in the iceberg crater, Aaaang does not want to go penguin sledding, on account of being unconscious. I feel this is somehow a metaphor for the film.
THE VILLAGE (NO, NOT THAT ONE)
KATARA: Well heeeeey there, shirtless dude. Nice tats.
AAAANG: I asked for a thirteen, but they drew a thirty-one. :(
KATARA: How did you get all the way out here?
AAAANG: I ran away from home. We got in a storm. We were forced under the water of the ocean!
KATARA: Oh, I see.
DIALOGUE WRITING WITH M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: FAILBENDER STYLE
1) Think of something redundant, expository, redundant, obvious, and/or redundant.
2) Bash forehead vigorously against keyboard.
3) Run text through Babelfish.
4) Repeat!
THE FAILBOAT
FAILBOAT: ::plows through ice at like 200 mph::
ZUKO: WHO LEFT THE PARKING BRAKE OFF?
THE VILLAGE
SOAKKA: The Fire Nation is here... and they've brought their MACHINES.
ACTUAL LINE. No actual machines, though.
SOAKKA: Hide in the igloo with the ethnic children, Aaaang.
AAAANG: Yeah, I've been meaning to ask that. Why are you the only white guys in the entire village?
SOAKKA: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT OUR WORLD IS TOTALLY DIVERSE WHOOPS FIRE NATION MUST GO.
KATARA: They didn't have Ice Cube, so you got Vanilla Ice.
FN SOLDIERS: ::invade::
ZUKO: I am Prince Zuko, son of Fire Lord Ozai and heir to the throne. BRING ME ALL YOUR ELDERLY!
ACTUAL LINE
FN SOLDIER #3: Hey, check out this dude, he's got some pretty sweet tats.
ZUKO: The Avatar!
KATARA: ...Aaaaavatar.
ZUKO: >:(
AAAANG: I guess I'll go with these guys, then.
Katara and Soakka argue about following Aaaang. Soakka doesn't want her to go, and takes a page from the Dean Winchester handbook and cries a single emo tear while talking about how their dad told him to protect his younger sibling. Katara points out that Aaaang is their RESPONSIBILITY because they found him (dibs?) and as their RESPONSIBILITY they should go after him. Also, RESPONSIBILITY. Gran-Gran is called "Grandma" and sounds like she wandered in from Little House on the Polar Ice Caps and goes on and on about HEART, probably under the impression she's in a Captain Planet movie. Appa floats around with small children hanging off his feetwhich was kind of cute I know shut up.
Though now Appa's face will forever haunt my dreams.
THE FAILBOAT
ZUKO: O.O
I have no idea what is up with his facial expressions in this scene. Possibly he is weirded out by the fact that his uncle is now called "Eeroh".
EEROH: Pop quiz time! Then you can go home.
OLD MACDONALD HAD A FIREBENDER, E-I-E-I-ROH
AAAAANG: Sounds fair. What do I do?
EEROH: Stand there and look slightly depressed while I mess around with candles and stuff.
AAAANG: Oh, I've got that down.
ZUKO: O.O
CANDLE: ::senses hismurderous Aaaavatar-y intent::
POOL OF WATER: ::forms a nice circle::
ROCK: ::stands on end::
They don't do anything with air, I notice. Lame.
ZUKO: O.O
AAAAANG: So, can I go?
EEROH: Err, no. I assumed that Zuko had failed once again and you weren't the Aaaavatar, but hey, look at that!
ZUKO: :(
AAAANG: ...I'll just let myself out, then. ::escapes on Appa with Katara and Soakka::
THE SOUTHERN AIR TEMPLE
VOICEOVER!KATARA: So then Aaaang told us about how he ran away and there was a storm and he ended up under the ice. Actually, he already told us this at the beginning of the movie, but I thought I'd remind everyone in case you forgot.
AAAANG: Great, I'm home! Chinzo? Monet?
ME: Monet?
AAAANG: Everyone, you can come out now!
::crickets::
AAAANG: Hello?
::crickets::
KATARA: Um, awkward.
Aaang discovers a field of skeletons, lets out a big NOOOOOOOOOOOOO, and goes into Aaaavatar state, which isn't so bad, really. We're talking minor dust devil here. For some reason he pops over into the spirit world, which seems kind of hazardous precedent to me. Shouldn't you be supervising your mini-tornadoes?
THE SPIRIT WORLD
DRAGON: Aaaang, you must face your destiny and stuff.
AAAANG: Who are you?
DRAGON: I have no idea.
THE SOUTHERN AIR TEMPLE
KATARA: I was shouting comforting exposition at you, didn't you hear?
AAAANG: :(
SOMEWHERE IN THE OCEAN
ZHAO: The banished prince! Let's offer him lunch.
ACTUAL LINE
ZHAO: ::in front of entire dining hall:: Aww, isn't it cute the way he wears a Fire Nation uniform, even though he's been banished? Wook at his widdle faaaaaaaaace.
ZUKO: You WILL bow down before me, Jor-El! ::stalks out::
Look, I know his mom is called Ursa, but they really should have checked the disambiguation page.
THE SOUTHERN EARTH KINGDOM
A small girl runs up to the Gaaaang, chased by several Fire Nation soldiers. Surprise! That is not a small girl, it's... Haru? Damn, it's going to be YEARS before he manages to grow a mustache.
FN SOLDIER #1: Halt! That small girl is under arrest for bending tiny stones at us from behind a tree!
KATARA: You are so mean!
FN SOLDIER #1: They really hurt!
ACTUAL LINE
KATARA: People should be free to earthbend tiny stones at whoever they want!
FN SOLDIER #1: Good idea! By which I mean, you're under arrest too.
They take everyone to the earthbending internment camp, which is... made of dirt. And rocks. Earth, in other words.
Um.
I THINK I'VE DETECTED A SLIGHT FLAW IN THE FIRE NATION'S PLAN HERE.
::facepalm::
AAAANG: What gives?
HARU'S DAD: The Fire Nation came... with their MACHINES. Huge machines made with metal!
With the number of times people whisper fearfully of the Fire Nation and their MACHINES, you'd think they'd allied with Skynet or something. Killer robots would DEFINITELY improve this movie.
HARU'S DAD: THEY MOVE LIKE NO THING THAT HAS EVER BEEN. THEY MOVE LIKE MECHANIZED DOOM.
AAAANG: Earthbenders! Why are you acting this way? You are powerful and amazing people! You don't need to live like this! There is earth RIGHT BENEATH YOUR FEET!
ACTUAL LINE. ALSO, GOOD QUESTION.
AAAANG: What are you, retarded? I'm the goddammn Aaaavatar! Earthbenders, unite! You have nothing to lose but your chains!
FN SOLDIER #1: Haha, if you're the Aaavatar, shouldn't you be an airbender?
AAAANG: ::airbending slice::
FN SOLDIER #1: ::firebending jazz hands::
EVERYONE: FIGHT SCENE!
They just want to dance!
Here we learn some important facts about bending: 1) The Power Rangers had more economy of motion. Seriously, Soakka could win an entire fight by himself just by running up and punching everyone out while they're still flailing their hands. 2) Firebenders can't generate their own fire. I bet all their furniture has rounded edges and they have to use safety scissors, too. 3) There is an inverse correlation between the number of earthbenders and the magnitude of the earthbending. Haru's dad can whip up a big column, no problem. Six earthbenders doing an interpretive dance in formation can float a rock the size of a watermelon around. (ETA: LIKE THIS) According to the movie principles, Toph is clearly THE GREATEST EARTHBENDER IN THE WORLD because she is half the size of everyone else.
TANGENT: Since this movie appears to have accidentally adapted Boy in the Iceberg anyway, I suggest Chuck Norris for the role of Toph.
When Toph does push-ups, she isn't pushing herself up. She's pushing the earth down.
Oh, and then the good guys win, surprise.
HARU'S DAD: Thank goodness you arrived and pointed out that we were surrounded by our own element! THREE CHEERS FOR OUR GREAT WHITE SAVIORS!
EARTHBENDERS: HIP HIP, HUZZAH!
Did I mention that all the earthbending extras are East Asian? I can't see how this could possibly be taken the wrong way!
Haru's dad points them towards a shed, where the Fire Nation soldiers have hidden all the contraband they've collected, including a waterbending scroll. Which makes perfect sense, since it's extremely difficult to get rid of flammable paper products when you're a firebender.
KATARA: Great, now I can learn waterbending! I've got a great voiceover ready to explain it to the audience, so they don't even have to watch it.
SOAKKA: Think of how much Fire Nation ass we can kick with the Aaaavatar!
AAAANG: Um, about that. So I'm kind of flunking three quarters of my Aaaavatar curriculum...?
KATARA: D:
SOAKKA: D:
AAAANG: You don't understand! I HAD to run away! When they told me I was the Aaaavatar, they said I couldn't have a family!
KATARA: ...Are you sure you joined the right kind of monastery?
SOAKKA: I've got the perfect solution. Step 1: road trip. Step 2: REVOLUTION MONTAGE!
They head off towards the North Pole to find the waterbenders. In a staggering show of diversity, people of all colors and creeds are liberated by the heroic white folk from the grips of the evil dark-skinned empire.
GIRARD COLLEGE FIREDELPHIA THE FIRE NATION
ZHAO: Good news, everyone! I raided a library! It had SCROLLS!
OZAI: YOU DON'T SAY.
ZHAO: They have the location of the Ocean and Moon spirits!
KIRSTIN: Zhao can read?
OZAI: Does this have anything to do with world domination?
ZHAO: Yes, we can take over the North Pole.
OZAI: I'm in!
ZHAO: Also, there's a dude running around claiming to be the Aaaavatar, but I can totally catch him for you.
OZAI: What about my son?
ZHAO: Oh, he's a huge loser.
OZAI: Tell me about it. He doesn't even have a mysterious royal accent!
Ozai turns over the Aaaavatar hunt to Zhao, and then goes to give all of Zuko's belongings away to charity and convert his room into a home entertainment center.
FIRE NATION COLONY FIFTEEN
No, seriously, that's what it's called.
ZUKO: I need to find the Avatar. Err, again.
EEROH: You need to get laid.
ZUKO: You don't understand, uncle. The entire world knows how much I suck. EVEN RANDOM SMALL CHILDREN KNOW MY SHAME.
RANDOM SMALL CHILD: ::recites the Tragical History of Prince Zuko, Epic Failure::
ZUKO: See? SEE?
EEROH: Okay, you may have a point. Rock candy?
ZUKO: :(
Not even the Jedi robe helps.
THE NORTHERN EARTH KINGDOM
KATARA: Geez, Aaaang, you really suck at tai chi today.
AAAANG: Well, yeah, but... wait, shouldn't we be practicing waterbending?
KATARA: Don't be silly, you did that during my voiceover.
AAAANG: But the camera was focused on random scenery.
KATARA: I know! That tree was really intriguing.
Aaaang wants to go to the Northern Air Temple to find out the deal with Trogdor, but Katara and Soakka do not think this is a good idea, so he drops it. However, he wigs himself out with a freaky combination of flashbacks and crazy powerful waterbending, so he takes off for the temple in the middle of the night.
THE NORTHERN AIR TEMPLE
RANDOM EARTH KINGDOM DUDE: Hey, you must be the Aaaavatar! Just so you know, my life has been terrible because you ran away like a total punk. You know it's kind of hard just to get along today.
AAAANG: Sorry. When they told me I was the Aaaavatar, everyone bowed before me... but I DIDN'T BOW BACK!! :(
::dramatic chord::
KIRSTIN AND I: ????
DUDE: No hard feelings! Let me give you a tour of the place. This is a statue of Aaaavatar Roku!
AAAANG: Cool! Is he going to be in the movie?
DUDE: No, I was feeding you useless exposition because this is a trap.
AAANG: ::captured!::
FN SOLDIER #2: Here, dude, have your reward. We only gave you TEN pieces of silver, we don't want to be heavy-handed or anything.
THE SPIRIT WORLD
Your head looks like a coconut.
DRAGON: Aaaaang, you must save the Moooooooooon.
AAAANG: Are you going to tell me how?
DRAGON: No.
THE NORTHERN AIR TEMPLE
Your head looks like a coconut.
ZHAO: Ah, the Aaaavatar. At last we meet again for the first time for the last time.
AAAANG: I'LL NEVER JOIN YOU, DOOKU.
This movie is lit like season one of Supernatural. I'm surprised anyone can see their hand in front of their face to flail it around and eventually produce some bending.
A mysterious figure infiltrates the temple, an unholy mix between a ninja and Rick James, bitch. Yes, it appears the Blue Spirit has sadly fallen victim to the demon pig, cut down in the prime of his audition for Cats. HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE HIS TRUSTY BUCKET ::sob::
FN SOLDIER #4: A strange noise? I think I'll go investiga-- THE HAIR! THE HAIR! ::KO'd::
AAAANG: HOLY CRAP WHAT IS THAT THING ON YOUR HEAD AUGH AUGH IT'S GOING TO EAT MY SOUL GET IT AWAY GET IT -- oh, you're here to rescue me. Carry on!
Zhao notices the ritual sacrifices to the demon pig and sounds the alarm. The Blue Spirit and Aaaang demonstrate the value of teamwork by immediately splitting up. Aaaang goes to the practice court, where the Airbenders have apparently turned room dividers into offensive weapons, and happily squishes Fire Nation soldiers for several minutes to the tune of "March of the Firebender Pwnage". Meanwhile, the superfreak wig (from a very demonic pig, the kind you don't take home to mother) frightens and bewilders them into attacking the Blue Spirit one at a time.
Aaaang starts to escape without him, but overcomes his fear of the unnatural mane and returns so they can both blow this popsicle stand. Unfortunately, the Aaaavatar's presence causes the spirit of the demon pig to flee, and the soldiers remember how to fight properly.
It will never let your spirit go / once you get it off your head / ow girl!
AAAANG: What the heeeeeeeellllllllllllllllll, whoooooooooooooo keepspushingthe sloooooooooo mooooooooooooo button?
ZHAO: We must take the Aaaavatar alive!
BLUE SPIRIT: ::takes Aaaang hostage::
AAAANG: Good feelings gone :(
FN SOLDIER #5: THE HAIR, IT'S LOOKING AT MEEEEEEEE. D:
ZHAO: WILL YOU JUST SHOOT HIM.
FN SOLDIER #5: ::twang!::
BLUE SPIRIT: ::KO'd!::
AAAANG: O.O guy?
Aaaang airbends up some fog so he can drag Zuko to safety. This TOTALLY CONFUSES the Fire Nation soldiers, who have apparently never seen fog before, and he escapes, leaving Zuko in the woods by a small fire to keep the demon pig away.
THE FIRE NATION
OZAI: >:(
ZHAO: IT WAS TOTALLY ZUKO'S FAULT. NOT THAT I HAVE EVIDENCE, BUT WHATEVER.
OZAI: You think my son is responsible?
ZHAO: ...Yes.
OZAI: ...
ZHAO: ...
ME: AND BACK TO YOU, JON.
THE FIRE NAVY YARD
EEROH: Zuko, WHY do you smell like bacon?
ZUKO: Sometimes I do things I'm not proud of, uncle.
EEROH: Ah. Zhao was looking for you. I told him you were off getting laid, but for some reason he didn't believe me. How did your audition go?
ZUKO: Terribly. At this rate, I'll never be Magical Mister Mistoffelees :(
EEROH: Let's forget about the Aaaavatar, and get massages! I am so overdue for my pedicure.
Thank goodness they cast an Asian actress for the key Foot Massager role!
ZUKO: ...I'll pass.
EEROH: Tea?
ZUKO: Is this really the only time you mention tea in the entire movie?
EEROH: Yes. But I'm only in about five scenes, so it's still statistically significant.
ZUKO: Oh. No, thank you. I'm going to go dream of capturing the Avatar and gaining my father's love and acceptance. :(
EEROH: Have fun!
Zuko totally has bunk bed on the Failboat. Can you imagine the unlucky soul that has to room with HIM?
FAILBOAT: ::gas leak::
ZUKO: OH, FOR THE LOVE OF --
FAILBOAT: KABOOM!
EEROH: ::firebending jazz hands:: ZUUUUUUUUUKOOOOOOOO!
FOOT MASSAGE LADY: I hope you're tipping me extra for this.
THE NORTH POLE
VOICEOVER!KATARA: So, we got to the North Pole, and presented ourselves to the court. Which I guess you could have just listened to, if I hadn't been talking over this scene, but whatever. Aaaang showed everyone he's the last airbender -- see, here he is! -- and the chief -- err, waterbending master -- err, actually, hell if I know, but he looks like King Theoden -- agreed to teach us waterbending, and Soakka and Princess Yue totally hit it off! Now the city is preparing for war! You don't have to watch it, you can just take my word for it. It's all happening just as I say! My word is law! I'm the god! I'M THE GOD!
THE FIRE NATION
OZAI: It's funny, I haven't heard about Zuko failing at all recently.
ZHAO: Wow, weird.
OZAI: What have you discovered about the Moon and Ocean spirits?
ZHAO: They're at the North Pole! I know this because of my learnings.
OZAI: Great, go kill them.
ZHAO: ...
OZAI: Random violence is NEVER a bad idea, Zhao.
THE NORTH POLE
MASTER THEODEN: Where is the ship and the sailor? Where is the water that was bending? They have passed like snow on the glaciers, like wind on the icecaps. The days have gone down in the north behind the hills into shadow. Okay, Aaaaang, you're up next! I hope you've brought enough waterbending to share with the whole class.
Our subject isn't cool, but he thinks it anyway.
AAAANG: ::accidentally waterbends, like, all water everywhere::
MASTER THEODEN: How did it come to this?
THE FIRE NAVY
ZHAO: Thanks for coming on my expedition, General Eeroh. You're a great strategist, apart from your epic failure at Ba Sing Se.
EEROH: ...Thanks.
ZHAO: Such a shame. Didn't your son kick the bucket there?
EEROH: Yes. How kind of you to bring that up.
ZHAO: Not a problem. I was sorry to hear that Zuko recently exploded in a fiery ball of shrapnel visible from space, too. Still, what can you do, huh?
EEROH: Indeed.
THE NORTH POLE
Soakka and Princess Yue are doing an activity together, because Master Theoden asked him to protect her when he tries to steal the Rohirrim's helmets back from the Fire Nation. They wander amidst the incredibly ugly hats of the Northern Water Tribe.
YUE: So, maybe when the movie's over, I could totally come visit you down at the South Pole.
SOAKKA: You could, but then you'd have to put up with my Grandmother's terrifying questions. "Kids these days, with their waterbending and their white hair. When I was your age, we had non-Caucasian features and dark hair, and we were grateful!"
YUE: Then I'd probably tell your grandmother that when I was born, I was so sickly they placed me in a sacred spring, and the Moon Spirit turned my hair white and gave me life... Why are you staring at me like that?
SOAKKA: Did we just exposit something better than the actual show?
YUE: Well, the bar WAS set pretty low for that little revelation, and we DO have way more experience...
THE FIRE NAVY, BELOW DECKS
EEROH: Prince Zuko, we need to talk... about your hair! It's getting out of control!
ZUKO: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH MY FAUXHAWK.
EEROH: Also, you need to give up on recapturing the Aaaavatar, it's all going to end in tears.
ZUKO: NO! I MUST REGAIN MY HONOR!
EEROH: Much as I appreciate that you're shouting again -- all those sadfaces were weirding me out -- I feel compelled to point out that we ARE hiding out in an enemy ship.
ZUKO: :(
EEROH: Fine, fine. You can go hunt the Aaaavatar if it makes you happy. Or less terminally depressed, whichever.
THE NORTH POLE
Aaaang and Katara arepracticing tai chi stuck in an invisible box auditioning for Cats hell if I know, you'd think they'd be waterbending but the water is TOTALLY UNAFFECTED, to the soothing soundtrack, when ash starts falling out of the sky. The Fire Nation has arrived, dun dun DUN.
THE FIRE NAVY
EEROH: You do realize that sneaking into a besieged city to capture the Aaaavatar by yourself is the worst plan ever, right?
ZUKO: Yes, uncle.
EEROH: Remember to keep your uniform closed up to your neck.
ACTUAL LINE
ZUKO: Yes, uncle.
EEROH: And remember to warm yourself with your chi so you don't freeze to death.
ZUKO: We can do that? I thought we only had Pyro's powers from X-Men in this movie!
EEROH: Why would you think that?
ZUKO: ...No reason.
EEROH: ...
ZUKO: ...
EEROH: Well?
ZUKO: I don't suppose you have anything else to say to me?
EEROH: I did "worst plan ever", right?
ZUKO: Yes.
EEROH: No, I think that about covers it.
ZUKO: So, nothing about how you consider me like a son?
EEROH: Nope!
ZUKO: :(
EEROH: Have fun storming the citadel!
THE NORTH POLE
Zuko swims under the ice for a while and then melts his way through the floor into someone's living room, popping out of the floor like a zombie, because, why not. Aaaang decides to try to contact Trogdor to get some help or advice or something, because, why not.
AAAANG: Is there a spiritual place where I can meditate?
YUE: There is a very spiritual place. The city was built around this place.
ACTUAL LINE. THE REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY CALLED, THEY WANT THEIR DIALOGUE BACK.
THE SPIRIT OASIS
Apropos of nothing:
AAAANG: To get your airbending tattoos, you have to meditate for long periods of time without losing focus. Some of the great monks. Can meditate. For four days!
YUE: Wow, thanks, I'll file THAT one away. I'm gonna go do another activity with Soakka. ::they leave::
AAAANG: ::meditates::
KATARA: Aaaang?
HELLO, HE IS TRYING TO MEDITATE.
KATARA: Aaaang, I knew your were real. I always knew you'd return.
KIRSTIN: I JUST HAVE SO MUCH HOPE!
ME: IT'S MAKING ME TEARBEND!
ZUKO: ME TOO -- wait, who are you?
KATARA: MY NAME IS KATARA. YOU KILLED MY MOTHER. PREPARE TO DIE.
ZUKO: ::firebending jazz hands::
And you thought I was joking.
KATARA: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, I DON'T GET TO DELIVER A RIGHTEOUS WATERBENDING BEATDOWN? WHAT THE HELL OW HEY! ::KO'd::
ZUKO: ::arranges Katara tenderly against a tree::
And thousands of Kataa(aa)ng shippers feel a great disturbance in the Force.
THE WALLS OF THE CITY
The Ugly Hats prepare for war.
MASTER THEODEN: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
ACTUAL LINE
THE FIRE NAVY
EEROH: So you know when night falls, you're totally going to get your ass kicked, right?
ZHAO: When I was reviewing materials from the Great Library --
EEROH: You can read?
ZHAO: -- I came across an interesting tidbit. Did you know the Moon and Ocean spirits are at the North Pole?
EEROH: Do they do autographs?
And then the Fire Nation unleashes the kimodo-rhinos of war.
THE SPIRIT WORLD
AAAANG: Hey, Trogdor, can I get some help here?
DRAGON: Your destinies are linked. You are different sides of the same coin!
AAAANG: What?
DRAGON: If once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny! Consume you it will!
AAAANG: Look, everyone knows the Empire Strikes Back section doesn't come until season 2.
DRAGON: You must let go of your emotions, Aaaang! Get over feeling upset about everyone you know and love snuffing it because you were a total wuss. Chillax. Gooooo with the flooooooooow. Be like the power of the ocean.
AAAANG: Do you have any advice that doesn't sound like you're reading the Pure Moods liner notes?
DRAGON: No.
A RANDOM STORAGE CLOSET
AAAANG: ::wakes up::
ZUKO: So my dad set me on fire, and my sister always does everything better than me, and my mom ran away -- hey, where are you going? I wasn't done my life story yet!
They have a fight scene, and I feel kinda bad for Aaaang, because Zuko is like twenty feet taller than him. But he does flip over a barrel with his head, which is pretty cool, and at one point hides behind Zuko's back and follows him around for like, a whole minute. I assume it's to get a better view of the fauxhawk.
Meanwhile, Soakka and Yue find Katara, and they all go looking for Aaaang.
VOICEOVER!KATARA: Calm down, we'll find him!
Thanks, Voiceover!Katara! I was starting to get a bit anxious there. She busts in to the rescue and turns Zuko into a popsicle.
AAAANG: ::unfreezes Zuko's head:: We could be friends, you know.
ACTUAL LINE
ZUKO: Wow, I'll just stand here and contemplate that while I get frostbite in VERY UNCOMFORTABLE PLACES.
THE SPIRIT OASIS
ZHAO: Tui and La. Yin and Yang. Push and pull. Moon and Ocean. Conjunction junction, what's your function?
EEROH: Zhao, you better be picking up that giant magical goldfish to put it in a plastic bag and give it away at the carnival.
ZHAO: If the spirits are so powerful, then why are they so squishable?
EEROH: You must not tamper in God's domain!
ZHAO: A quote from an Ed Wood movie? Harsh.
EEROH: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
The Gaaaang finally catches up to them. Nice timing, guys.
EEROH: If you kill the Moon spirit, you'll upset the balance! We need the Moon and Ocean too! WE LIVE ON A BUNCH OF ISLANDS!
ZHAO: ::stabs fish::
EEROH: ::big no::
YUE: ::faints::
AAAANG: ::facepalm::
EEROH: FLAME ON!
RANDOM SOLDIERS: Aieeee, he's generating fire all by himself! Sorcery! SORCERY! ::everyone runs away::
KIRSTIN AND I: ::double facepalm::
Oh no, he's regenerating!
SOAKKA: I hate to be critical, but possibly that would have been more helpful BEFORE HE KILLED THE FISH.
EEROH: My bad.
The moon turns all red and the waterbenders lose their powers. Nature, sick and tired of being abused by mankind, rises up and smites the humans by -- wait, no, that's The Happening. Aaaang decides to forgo going all Koizilla on the Fire Nation's asses, and instead runs around watching the wanton slaughter of Ugly Hats, OH THE HUMANITY. Soakka and Eeroh argue back and forth over what Yue should do, like a pair of shoulder angels, which would be cool if not for the fact that everyone in this movie is merely a dim reflection of awesomeness compared to the series.
EEROH: Dooooooo eeeeeet.
YUE: There is no love without sacrifice.
SOAKKA: There is no love WITH sacrifice, because you'll be dead.
YUE: It's time we show the Fire Nation we believe in our beliefs as much as they believe in theirs.
ACTUAL LINE
SOAKKA: IT'S NOT FAIR IF WE'RE NOT ARGUING IN THE SAME LANGUAGE.
But Yue makes up her mind, and wades into the spirit oasis. I actually thought this scene was pretty neat: she floats over to the fish, and the color returns to her hair and she dies and the moon is restored.
OUTSIDE AT FIGHTING CENTRAL
AAAANG: ::stare::
ZHAO: ::stare::
WATERBENDERS: ::stare::
FIREBENDERS: ::stare::
And then some dude snaps and tackles a firebender, and the action starts again.
KIRSTIN AND I: ::wild applause::
A DESERTED WALL SOMEWHERE
ZUKO: ::ominous footsteps::
ZHAO: D: I killed you!
ZUKO: Like an explosion could stop me. Finally, I'm going to kick some --
EEROH: Zuko, honey, go wait in the boat.
ZUKO: :(
EEROH: You know, Zhao, I've always admired how easily you make enemies and alienate people. Good luck with that!
And then four random waterbenders show up and unleash watery tentacle death. Where were these guys during the rest of the fight scenes? Honestly.
FIGHTING CENTRAL
Strike a pose!
AAAANG: AVATAR COMING THROUGH!
EVERYONE: ::considerately forms a corridor through the fighting::
KIRSTIN: LOOK OUT, WORLD, HERE I COME!
Anyways, amidst all the fighting, Aaaang keeps having flashbacks to what Trogdor told him about the POWER of the OCEAN (and his waterbending lessons, and the time he ran away from the temple, and...) and finally runs up to the walls and goes into the Aaaavatar state. He whips up a huge tidal wave and... just kind of leaves it there, looming over the Fire Navy.
THE FIRE NAVY
FN CAPTAIN #7: Uh, I guess this means we should leave?
FN CAPTAIN #9: Guess so.
A TINY LIFEBOAT
EEROH: Zuko, row faster.
THE NORTH POLE
All the fighting stops, and Aaaang carefully puts the tidal wave back. I'm guessing the remaining firebenders surrendered because their rides left, but they don't actually say. Soakka and Katara join up with Aaaang as he descends from the walls, and provide moral support as everyone ::dramatic bongo music:: bows to him. Then they go and ::dramatic pirate music:: bow to him too.
ME: My friends, you bow to no one!
There's a tense moment, and then Aaaang... does an interpretive dance? SERIOUSLY WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT.
NO WONDER YOU DIDN'T WANT TO BE THE AAAAVATAR, YOU LOOK LIKE A DOOFUS.
AAAANG: ::poses::
AAAANG: ::poses::
AAAANG: Uh, how long do I have to hold this position? Hello? Guys?
THE END
Oh, wait.
THE FIRE NATION
OZAI: Zhao was killed by extras, Eeroh is a traitor, and Zuko is STILL a huge loser. I need you to sit here while I explain that Sozin's comet is coming in three years, and on that day EVERY firebender will be able to generate their own flames. And then I need you to go hunt the Aaaavatar while I find M. Night Shyamalan and set him on fire, because seriously, three years? Lame comet powers? WE SOUND LIKE SUCH FEEBS.
AZULA: ::has creepy subtext and grins crazily, thereby giving a more accurate character interpretation in two seconds than anyone else has in the previous two hours::
THE END (IF ONLY)
KIRSTIN: Give me twenty-four hours, and *I* could come up with a better adaptation than that. While drunk.
ME: You know how given infinite time and typewriters, monkeys could write the entire works of Shakespeare? This script took them ten minutes.
(If you haven't heard of the whitewashing casting fail, check out racebending.com for more info. I also recently read this article, which has both thoughtful analyses of current and historical fail AND awesome pictures from the show.)
THE LAST FAILBENDER
The movie begins with a resounding SPLAT, as the Paramount stars soar around their mountain in little watery coronas. Awesome. Also, Nickelodeon has a new logo and I don't like it.
VOICEOVER!KATARA: You'd think this. Would be a good time? To get all the exposition out. Of the way but I'm just going. To read you the World's Most Unhelpful. Title crawl instead, which is maddeningly. Confusing also, blah blah four. Nations blah, blah Aaaaavatar DISAPPEARED --
KIRSTIN AND I: FWOOSH!
VOICEOVER!KATARA: blah blah OK SERIOUSLY WHO. IS MESSING WITH MY. TELEPROMPTER, THESE ARE GOING TO BE THE. WORST LINE READINGS EVER.
I don't know why they just didn't use her opening speech from the first episode, which covers all the bases AND updates everyone on the situation. I also don't know why it sounds like she can't read. The words are right there on the screen! Just pause a bit at the punctuation, you'll be just fine!
I know there is a fad for "correcting" pronunciations in this movie, but I think "Aaaavatar" might be a little much. ALSO ALSO, THOSE ARE RANDOM SQUIGGLES BEHIND THE SILHOUETTED BENDERS, NOT CHINESE CHARACTERS, WHAT THE HELL.
KIRSTIN: Dave, I don't think I can take much more of this.
ME: ...The movie just started.
KIRSTIN: Yes, that's the problem.
THE SOUTH POLE
Great, now I'm getting snow blindness from watching the cast, too.
KATARA: ::drops floating globule of water on
Aaaaaaaand that's pretty much it for representing the show's sense of whimsy. Instead of whimsy, we get exposition!
VOICEOVER!KATARA: In this time of war, food is scarce. My brother and I often go hunting for food, but unfortunately my brother isn't the best hunter in the world.
1) Shouldn't Morgan Freeman be narrating this?
2) If Soakka, the oldest dude left in the tribe, can't hunt, HOW ARE THEY ALL GETTING ENOUGH FOOD?
Instead of tiger-seals, Katara and Soakka find a giant, empty sheet of ice, which starts cracking when they try to cross it, and they get attacked by an army of Saxons -- wait, sorry, no. They notice something weird and glowy beneath the ice, so Soakka hits it with his boomerang, and a giant
ILM TECH #!: Gary, that's an ion cannon. We finished The Empire Strikes Back thirty years ago! You have to let go!
ILM TECH #2: ::sob:: I JUST REALLY MISS WORKING ON HOTH, OKAY?
THE FAILBOAT
ZUKO'S FAUXHAWK: Hmmm, intriguing.
Meanwhile, in the iceberg crater, Aaaang does not want to go penguin sledding, on account of being unconscious. I feel this is somehow a metaphor for the film.
THE VILLAGE (NO, NOT THAT ONE)
KATARA: Well heeeeey there, shirtless dude. Nice tats.
AAAANG: I asked for a thirteen, but they drew a thirty-one. :(
KATARA: How did you get all the way out here?
AAAANG: I ran away from home. We got in a storm. We were forced under the water of the ocean!
KATARA: Oh, I see.
DIALOGUE WRITING WITH M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: FAILBENDER STYLE
1) Think of something redundant, expository, redundant, obvious, and/or redundant.
2) Bash forehead vigorously against keyboard.
3) Run text through Babelfish.
4) Repeat!
THE FAILBOAT
FAILBOAT: ::plows through ice at like 200 mph::
ZUKO: WHO LEFT THE PARKING BRAKE OFF?
THE VILLAGE
SOAKKA: The Fire Nation is here... and they've brought their MACHINES.
ACTUAL LINE. No actual machines, though.
SOAKKA: Hide in the igloo with the ethnic children, Aaaang.
AAAANG: Yeah, I've been meaning to ask that. Why are you the only white guys in the entire village?
SOAKKA: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT OUR WORLD IS TOTALLY DIVERSE WHOOPS FIRE NATION MUST GO.
KATARA: They didn't have Ice Cube, so you got Vanilla Ice.
FN SOLDIERS: ::invade::
ZUKO: I am Prince Zuko, son of Fire Lord Ozai and heir to the throne. BRING ME ALL YOUR ELDERLY!
ACTUAL LINE
FN SOLDIER #3: Hey, check out this dude, he's got some pretty sweet tats.
ZUKO: The Avatar!
KATARA: ...Aaaaavatar.
ZUKO: >:(
AAAANG: I guess I'll go with these guys, then.
Katara and Soakka argue about following Aaaang. Soakka doesn't want her to go, and takes a page from the Dean Winchester handbook and cries a single emo tear while talking about how their dad told him to protect his younger sibling. Katara points out that Aaaang is their RESPONSIBILITY because they found him (dibs?) and as their RESPONSIBILITY they should go after him. Also, RESPONSIBILITY. Gran-Gran is called "Grandma" and sounds like she wandered in from Little House on the Polar Ice Caps and goes on and on about HEART, probably under the impression she's in a Captain Planet movie. Appa floats around with small children hanging off his feet
Though now Appa's face will forever haunt my dreams.
THE FAILBOAT
ZUKO: O.O
I have no idea what is up with his facial expressions in this scene. Possibly he is weirded out by the fact that his uncle is now called "Eeroh".
EEROH: Pop quiz time! Then you can go home.
OLD MACDONALD HAD A FIREBENDER, E-I-E-I-ROH
AAAAANG: Sounds fair. What do I do?
EEROH: Stand there and look slightly depressed while I mess around with candles and stuff.
AAAANG: Oh, I've got that down.
ZUKO: O.O
CANDLE: ::senses his
POOL OF WATER: ::forms a nice circle::
ROCK: ::stands on end::
They don't do anything with air, I notice. Lame.
ZUKO: O.O
AAAAANG: So, can I go?
EEROH: Err, no. I assumed that Zuko had failed once again and you weren't the Aaaavatar, but hey, look at that!
ZUKO: :(
AAAANG: ...I'll just let myself out, then. ::escapes on Appa with Katara and Soakka::
THE SOUTHERN AIR TEMPLE
VOICEOVER!KATARA: So then Aaaang told us about how he ran away and there was a storm and he ended up under the ice. Actually, he already told us this at the beginning of the movie, but I thought I'd remind everyone in case you forgot.
AAAANG: Great, I'm home! Chinzo? Monet?
ME: Monet?
AAAANG: Everyone, you can come out now!
::crickets::
AAAANG: Hello?
::crickets::
KATARA: Um, awkward.
Aaang discovers a field of skeletons, lets out a big NOOOOOOOOOOOOO, and goes into Aaaavatar state, which isn't so bad, really. We're talking minor dust devil here. For some reason he pops over into the spirit world, which seems kind of hazardous precedent to me. Shouldn't you be supervising your mini-tornadoes?
THE SPIRIT WORLD
DRAGON: Aaaang, you must face your destiny and stuff.
AAAANG: Who are you?
DRAGON: I have no idea.
THE SOUTHERN AIR TEMPLE
KATARA: I was shouting comforting exposition at you, didn't you hear?
AAAANG: :(
SOMEWHERE IN THE OCEAN
ZHAO: The banished prince! Let's offer him lunch.
ACTUAL LINE
ZHAO: ::in front of entire dining hall:: Aww, isn't it cute the way he wears a Fire Nation uniform, even though he's been banished? Wook at his widdle faaaaaaaaace.
ZUKO: You WILL bow down before me, Jor-El! ::stalks out::
Look, I know his mom is called Ursa, but they really should have checked the disambiguation page.
THE SOUTHERN EARTH KINGDOM
A small girl runs up to the Gaaaang, chased by several Fire Nation soldiers. Surprise! That is not a small girl, it's... Haru? Damn, it's going to be YEARS before he manages to grow a mustache.
FN SOLDIER #1: Halt! That small girl is under arrest for bending tiny stones at us from behind a tree!
KATARA: You are so mean!
FN SOLDIER #1: They really hurt!
ACTUAL LINE
KATARA: People should be free to earthbend tiny stones at whoever they want!
FN SOLDIER #1: Good idea! By which I mean, you're under arrest too.
They take everyone to the earthbending internment camp, which is... made of dirt. And rocks. Earth, in other words.
Um.
I THINK I'VE DETECTED A SLIGHT FLAW IN THE FIRE NATION'S PLAN HERE.
::facepalm::
AAAANG: What gives?
HARU'S DAD: The Fire Nation came... with their MACHINES. Huge machines made with metal!
With the number of times people whisper fearfully of the Fire Nation and their MACHINES, you'd think they'd allied with Skynet or something. Killer robots would DEFINITELY improve this movie.
HARU'S DAD: THEY MOVE LIKE NO THING THAT HAS EVER BEEN. THEY MOVE LIKE MECHANIZED DOOM.
AAAANG: Earthbenders! Why are you acting this way? You are powerful and amazing people! You don't need to live like this! There is earth RIGHT BENEATH YOUR FEET!
ACTUAL LINE. ALSO, GOOD QUESTION.
AAAANG: What are you, retarded? I'm the goddammn Aaaavatar! Earthbenders, unite! You have nothing to lose but your chains!
FN SOLDIER #1: Haha, if you're the Aaavatar, shouldn't you be an airbender?
AAAANG: ::airbending slice::
FN SOLDIER #1: ::firebending jazz hands::
EVERYONE: FIGHT SCENE!
They just want to dance!
Here we learn some important facts about bending: 1) The Power Rangers had more economy of motion. Seriously, Soakka could win an entire fight by himself just by running up and punching everyone out while they're still flailing their hands. 2) Firebenders can't generate their own fire. I bet all their furniture has rounded edges and they have to use safety scissors, too. 3) There is an inverse correlation between the number of earthbenders and the magnitude of the earthbending. Haru's dad can whip up a big column, no problem. Six earthbenders doing an interpretive dance in formation can float a rock the size of a watermelon around. (ETA: LIKE THIS) According to the movie principles, Toph is clearly THE GREATEST EARTHBENDER IN THE WORLD because she is half the size of everyone else.
TANGENT: Since this movie appears to have accidentally adapted Boy in the Iceberg anyway, I suggest Chuck Norris for the role of Toph.
When Toph does push-ups, she isn't pushing herself up. She's pushing the earth down.
Oh, and then the good guys win, surprise.
HARU'S DAD: Thank goodness you arrived and pointed out that we were surrounded by our own element! THREE CHEERS FOR OUR GREAT WHITE SAVIORS!
EARTHBENDERS: HIP HIP, HUZZAH!
Did I mention that all the earthbending extras are East Asian? I can't see how this could possibly be taken the wrong way!
Haru's dad points them towards a shed, where the Fire Nation soldiers have hidden all the contraband they've collected, including a waterbending scroll. Which makes perfect sense, since it's extremely difficult to get rid of flammable paper products when you're a firebender.
KATARA: Great, now I can learn waterbending! I've got a great voiceover ready to explain it to the audience, so they don't even have to watch it.
SOAKKA: Think of how much Fire Nation ass we can kick with the Aaaavatar!
AAAANG: Um, about that. So I'm kind of flunking three quarters of my Aaaavatar curriculum...?
KATARA: D:
SOAKKA: D:
AAAANG: You don't understand! I HAD to run away! When they told me I was the Aaaavatar, they said I couldn't have a family!
KATARA: ...Are you sure you joined the right kind of monastery?
SOAKKA: I've got the perfect solution. Step 1: road trip. Step 2: REVOLUTION MONTAGE!
They head off towards the North Pole to find the waterbenders. In a staggering show of diversity, people of all colors and creeds are liberated by the heroic white folk from the grips of the evil dark-skinned empire.
ZHAO: Good news, everyone! I raided a library! It had SCROLLS!
OZAI: YOU DON'T SAY.
ZHAO: They have the location of the Ocean and Moon spirits!
KIRSTIN: Zhao can read?
OZAI: Does this have anything to do with world domination?
ZHAO: Yes, we can take over the North Pole.
OZAI: I'm in!
ZHAO: Also, there's a dude running around claiming to be the Aaaavatar, but I can totally catch him for you.
OZAI: What about my son?
ZHAO: Oh, he's a huge loser.
OZAI: Tell me about it. He doesn't even have a mysterious royal accent!
Ozai turns over the Aaaavatar hunt to Zhao, and then goes to give all of Zuko's belongings away to charity and convert his room into a home entertainment center.
FIRE NATION COLONY FIFTEEN
No, seriously, that's what it's called.
ZUKO: I need to find the Avatar. Err, again.
EEROH: You need to get laid.
ZUKO: You don't understand, uncle. The entire world knows how much I suck. EVEN RANDOM SMALL CHILDREN KNOW MY SHAME.
RANDOM SMALL CHILD: ::recites the Tragical History of Prince Zuko, Epic Failure::
ZUKO: See? SEE?
EEROH: Okay, you may have a point. Rock candy?
ZUKO: :(
Not even the Jedi robe helps.
THE NORTHERN EARTH KINGDOM
KATARA: Geez, Aaaang, you really suck at tai chi today.
AAAANG: Well, yeah, but... wait, shouldn't we be practicing waterbending?
KATARA: Don't be silly, you did that during my voiceover.
AAAANG: But the camera was focused on random scenery.
KATARA: I know! That tree was really intriguing.
Aaaang wants to go to the Northern Air Temple to find out the deal with Trogdor, but Katara and Soakka do not think this is a good idea, so he drops it. However, he wigs himself out with a freaky combination of flashbacks and crazy powerful waterbending, so he takes off for the temple in the middle of the night.
THE NORTHERN AIR TEMPLE
RANDOM EARTH KINGDOM DUDE: Hey, you must be the Aaaavatar! Just so you know, my life has been terrible because you ran away like a total punk. You know it's kind of hard just to get along today.
AAAANG: Sorry. When they told me I was the Aaaavatar, everyone bowed before me... but I DIDN'T BOW BACK!! :(
::dramatic chord::
KIRSTIN AND I: ????
DUDE: No hard feelings! Let me give you a tour of the place. This is a statue of Aaaavatar Roku!
AAAANG: Cool! Is he going to be in the movie?
DUDE: No, I was feeding you useless exposition because this is a trap.
AAANG: ::captured!::
FN SOLDIER #2: Here, dude, have your reward. We only gave you TEN pieces of silver, we don't want to be heavy-handed or anything.
THE SPIRIT WORLD
Your head looks like a coconut.
DRAGON: Aaaaang, you must save the Moooooooooon.
AAAANG: Are you going to tell me how?
DRAGON: No.
THE NORTHERN AIR TEMPLE
Your head looks like a coconut.
ZHAO: Ah, the Aaaavatar. At last we meet again for the first time for the last time.
AAAANG: I'LL NEVER JOIN YOU, DOOKU.
This movie is lit like season one of Supernatural. I'm surprised anyone can see their hand in front of their face to flail it around and eventually produce some bending.
A mysterious figure infiltrates the temple, an unholy mix between a ninja and Rick James, bitch. Yes, it appears the Blue Spirit has sadly fallen victim to the demon pig, cut down in the prime of his audition for Cats. HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE HIS TRUSTY BUCKET ::sob::
FN SOLDIER #4: A strange noise? I think I'll go investiga-- THE HAIR! THE HAIR! ::KO'd::
AAAANG: HOLY CRAP WHAT IS THAT THING ON YOUR HEAD AUGH AUGH IT'S GOING TO EAT MY SOUL GET IT AWAY GET IT -- oh, you're here to rescue me. Carry on!
Zhao notices the ritual sacrifices to the demon pig and sounds the alarm. The Blue Spirit and Aaaang demonstrate the value of teamwork by immediately splitting up. Aaaang goes to the practice court, where the Airbenders have apparently turned room dividers into offensive weapons, and happily squishes Fire Nation soldiers for several minutes to the tune of "March of the Firebender Pwnage". Meanwhile, the superfreak wig (from a very demonic pig, the kind you don't take home to mother) frightens and bewilders them into attacking the Blue Spirit one at a time.
Aaaang starts to escape without him, but overcomes his fear of the unnatural mane and returns so they can both blow this popsicle stand. Unfortunately, the Aaaavatar's presence causes the spirit of the demon pig to flee, and the soldiers remember how to fight properly.
It will never let your spirit go / once you get it off your head / ow girl!
AAAANG: What the heeeeeeeellllllllllllllllll, whoooooooooooooo keepspushingthe sloooooooooo mooooooooooooo button?
ZHAO: We must take the Aaaavatar alive!
BLUE SPIRIT: ::takes Aaaang hostage::
AAAANG: Good feelings gone :(
FN SOLDIER #5: THE HAIR, IT'S LOOKING AT MEEEEEEEE. D:
ZHAO: WILL YOU JUST SHOOT HIM.
FN SOLDIER #5: ::twang!::
BLUE SPIRIT: ::KO'd!::
AAAANG: O.O guy?
Aaaang airbends up some fog so he can drag Zuko to safety. This TOTALLY CONFUSES the Fire Nation soldiers, who have apparently never seen fog before, and he escapes, leaving Zuko in the woods by a small fire to keep the demon pig away.
THE FIRE NATION
OZAI: >:(
ZHAO: IT WAS TOTALLY ZUKO'S FAULT. NOT THAT I HAVE EVIDENCE, BUT WHATEVER.
OZAI: You think my son is responsible?
ZHAO: ...Yes.
OZAI: ...
ZHAO: ...
ME: AND BACK TO YOU, JON.
THE FIRE NAVY YARD
EEROH: Zuko, WHY do you smell like bacon?
ZUKO: Sometimes I do things I'm not proud of, uncle.
EEROH: Ah. Zhao was looking for you. I told him you were off getting laid, but for some reason he didn't believe me. How did your audition go?
ZUKO: Terribly. At this rate, I'll never be Magical Mister Mistoffelees :(
EEROH: Let's forget about the Aaaavatar, and get massages! I am so overdue for my pedicure.
Thank goodness they cast an Asian actress for the key Foot Massager role!
ZUKO: ...I'll pass.
EEROH: Tea?
ZUKO: Is this really the only time you mention tea in the entire movie?
EEROH: Yes. But I'm only in about five scenes, so it's still statistically significant.
ZUKO: Oh. No, thank you. I'm going to go dream of capturing the Avatar and gaining my father's love and acceptance. :(
EEROH: Have fun!
Zuko totally has bunk bed on the Failboat. Can you imagine the unlucky soul that has to room with HIM?
FAILBOAT: ::gas leak::
ZUKO: OH, FOR THE LOVE OF --
FAILBOAT: KABOOM!
EEROH: ::firebending jazz hands:: ZUUUUUUUUUKOOOOOOOO!
FOOT MASSAGE LADY: I hope you're tipping me extra for this.
THE NORTH POLE
VOICEOVER!KATARA: So, we got to the North Pole, and presented ourselves to the court. Which I guess you could have just listened to, if I hadn't been talking over this scene, but whatever. Aaaang showed everyone he's the last airbender -- see, here he is! -- and the chief -- err, waterbending master -- err, actually, hell if I know, but he looks like King Theoden -- agreed to teach us waterbending, and Soakka and Princess Yue totally hit it off! Now the city is preparing for war! You don't have to watch it, you can just take my word for it. It's all happening just as I say! My word is law! I'm the god! I'M THE GOD!
THE FIRE NATION
OZAI: It's funny, I haven't heard about Zuko failing at all recently.
ZHAO: Wow, weird.
OZAI: What have you discovered about the Moon and Ocean spirits?
ZHAO: They're at the North Pole! I know this because of my learnings.
OZAI: Great, go kill them.
ZHAO: ...
OZAI: Random violence is NEVER a bad idea, Zhao.
THE NORTH POLE
MASTER THEODEN: Where is the ship and the sailor? Where is the water that was bending? They have passed like snow on the glaciers, like wind on the icecaps. The days have gone down in the north behind the hills into shadow. Okay, Aaaaang, you're up next! I hope you've brought enough waterbending to share with the whole class.
Our subject isn't cool, but he thinks it anyway.
AAAANG: ::accidentally waterbends, like, all water everywhere::
MASTER THEODEN: How did it come to this?
THE FIRE NAVY
ZHAO: Thanks for coming on my expedition, General Eeroh. You're a great strategist, apart from your epic failure at Ba Sing Se.
EEROH: ...Thanks.
ZHAO: Such a shame. Didn't your son kick the bucket there?
EEROH: Yes. How kind of you to bring that up.
ZHAO: Not a problem. I was sorry to hear that Zuko recently exploded in a fiery ball of shrapnel visible from space, too. Still, what can you do, huh?
EEROH: Indeed.
THE NORTH POLE
Soakka and Princess Yue are doing an activity together, because Master Theoden asked him to protect her when he tries to steal the Rohirrim's helmets back from the Fire Nation. They wander amidst the incredibly ugly hats of the Northern Water Tribe.
YUE: So, maybe when the movie's over, I could totally come visit you down at the South Pole.
SOAKKA: You could, but then you'd have to put up with my Grandmother's terrifying questions. "Kids these days, with their waterbending and their white hair. When I was your age, we had non-Caucasian features and dark hair, and we were grateful!"
YUE: Then I'd probably tell your grandmother that when I was born, I was so sickly they placed me in a sacred spring, and the Moon Spirit turned my hair white and gave me life... Why are you staring at me like that?
SOAKKA: Did we just exposit something better than the actual show?
YUE: Well, the bar WAS set pretty low for that little revelation, and we DO have way more experience...
THE FIRE NAVY, BELOW DECKS
EEROH: Prince Zuko, we need to talk... about your hair! It's getting out of control!
ZUKO: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH MY FAUXHAWK.
EEROH: Also, you need to give up on recapturing the Aaaavatar, it's all going to end in tears.
ZUKO: NO! I MUST REGAIN MY HONOR!
EEROH: Much as I appreciate that you're shouting again -- all those sadfaces were weirding me out -- I feel compelled to point out that we ARE hiding out in an enemy ship.
ZUKO: :(
EEROH: Fine, fine. You can go hunt the Aaaavatar if it makes you happy. Or less terminally depressed, whichever.
THE NORTH POLE
Aaaang and Katara are
THE FIRE NAVY
EEROH: You do realize that sneaking into a besieged city to capture the Aaaavatar by yourself is the worst plan ever, right?
ZUKO: Yes, uncle.
EEROH: Remember to keep your uniform closed up to your neck.
ACTUAL LINE
ZUKO: Yes, uncle.
EEROH: And remember to warm yourself with your chi so you don't freeze to death.
ZUKO: We can do that? I thought we only had Pyro's powers from X-Men in this movie!
EEROH: Why would you think that?
ZUKO: ...No reason.
EEROH: ...
ZUKO: ...
EEROH: Well?
ZUKO: I don't suppose you have anything else to say to me?
EEROH: I did "worst plan ever", right?
ZUKO: Yes.
EEROH: No, I think that about covers it.
ZUKO: So, nothing about how you consider me like a son?
EEROH: Nope!
ZUKO: :(
EEROH: Have fun storming the citadel!
THE NORTH POLE
Zuko swims under the ice for a while and then melts his way through the floor into someone's living room, popping out of the floor like a zombie, because, why not. Aaaang decides to try to contact Trogdor to get some help or advice or something, because, why not.
AAAANG: Is there a spiritual place where I can meditate?
YUE: There is a very spiritual place. The city was built around this place.
ACTUAL LINE. THE REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY CALLED, THEY WANT THEIR DIALOGUE BACK.
THE SPIRIT OASIS
Apropos of nothing:
AAAANG: To get your airbending tattoos, you have to meditate for long periods of time without losing focus. Some of the great monks. Can meditate. For four days!
YUE: Wow, thanks, I'll file THAT one away. I'm gonna go do another activity with Soakka. ::they leave::
AAAANG: ::meditates::
KATARA: Aaaang?
HELLO, HE IS TRYING TO MEDITATE.
KATARA: Aaaang, I knew your were real. I always knew you'd return.
KIRSTIN: I JUST HAVE SO MUCH HOPE!
ME: IT'S MAKING ME TEARBEND!
ZUKO: ME TOO -- wait, who are you?
KATARA: MY NAME IS KATARA. YOU KILLED MY MOTHER. PREPARE TO DIE.
ZUKO: ::firebending jazz hands::
And you thought I was joking.
KATARA: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, I DON'T GET TO DELIVER A RIGHTEOUS WATERBENDING BEATDOWN? WHAT THE HELL OW HEY! ::KO'd::
ZUKO: ::arranges Katara tenderly against a tree::
And thousands of Kataa(aa)ng shippers feel a great disturbance in the Force.
THE WALLS OF THE CITY
The Ugly Hats prepare for war.
MASTER THEODEN: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
ACTUAL LINE
THE FIRE NAVY
EEROH: So you know when night falls, you're totally going to get your ass kicked, right?
ZHAO: When I was reviewing materials from the Great Library --
EEROH: You can read?
ZHAO: -- I came across an interesting tidbit. Did you know the Moon and Ocean spirits are at the North Pole?
EEROH: Do they do autographs?
And then the Fire Nation unleashes the kimodo-rhinos of war.
THE SPIRIT WORLD
AAAANG: Hey, Trogdor, can I get some help here?
DRAGON: Your destinies are linked. You are different sides of the same coin!
AAAANG: What?
DRAGON: If once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny! Consume you it will!
AAAANG: Look, everyone knows the Empire Strikes Back section doesn't come until season 2.
DRAGON: You must let go of your emotions, Aaaang! Get over feeling upset about everyone you know and love snuffing it because you were a total wuss. Chillax. Gooooo with the flooooooooow. Be like the power of the ocean.
AAAANG: Do you have any advice that doesn't sound like you're reading the Pure Moods liner notes?
DRAGON: No.
A RANDOM STORAGE CLOSET
AAAANG: ::wakes up::
ZUKO: So my dad set me on fire, and my sister always does everything better than me, and my mom ran away -- hey, where are you going? I wasn't done my life story yet!
They have a fight scene, and I feel kinda bad for Aaaang, because Zuko is like twenty feet taller than him. But he does flip over a barrel with his head, which is pretty cool, and at one point hides behind Zuko's back and follows him around for like, a whole minute. I assume it's to get a better view of the fauxhawk.
Meanwhile, Soakka and Yue find Katara, and they all go looking for Aaaang.
VOICEOVER!KATARA: Calm down, we'll find him!
Thanks, Voiceover!Katara! I was starting to get a bit anxious there. She busts in to the rescue and turns Zuko into a popsicle.
AAAANG: ::unfreezes Zuko's head:: We could be friends, you know.
ACTUAL LINE
ZUKO: Wow, I'll just stand here and contemplate that while I get frostbite in VERY UNCOMFORTABLE PLACES.
THE SPIRIT OASIS
ZHAO: Tui and La. Yin and Yang. Push and pull. Moon and Ocean. Conjunction junction, what's your function?
EEROH: Zhao, you better be picking up that giant magical goldfish to put it in a plastic bag and give it away at the carnival.
ZHAO: If the spirits are so powerful, then why are they so squishable?
EEROH: You must not tamper in God's domain!
ZHAO: A quote from an Ed Wood movie? Harsh.
EEROH: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
The Gaaaang finally catches up to them. Nice timing, guys.
EEROH: If you kill the Moon spirit, you'll upset the balance! We need the Moon and Ocean too! WE LIVE ON A BUNCH OF ISLANDS!
ZHAO: ::stabs fish::
EEROH: ::big no::
YUE: ::faints::
AAAANG: ::facepalm::
EEROH: FLAME ON!
RANDOM SOLDIERS: Aieeee, he's generating fire all by himself! Sorcery! SORCERY! ::everyone runs away::
KIRSTIN AND I: ::double facepalm::
Oh no, he's regenerating!
SOAKKA: I hate to be critical, but possibly that would have been more helpful BEFORE HE KILLED THE FISH.
EEROH: My bad.
The moon turns all red and the waterbenders lose their powers. Nature, sick and tired of being abused by mankind, rises up and smites the humans by -- wait, no, that's The Happening. Aaaang decides to forgo going all Koizilla on the Fire Nation's asses, and instead runs around watching the wanton slaughter of Ugly Hats, OH THE HUMANITY. Soakka and Eeroh argue back and forth over what Yue should do, like a pair of shoulder angels, which would be cool if not for the fact that everyone in this movie is merely a dim reflection of awesomeness compared to the series.
EEROH: Dooooooo eeeeeet.
YUE: There is no love without sacrifice.
SOAKKA: There is no love WITH sacrifice, because you'll be dead.
YUE: It's time we show the Fire Nation we believe in our beliefs as much as they believe in theirs.
ACTUAL LINE
SOAKKA: IT'S NOT FAIR IF WE'RE NOT ARGUING IN THE SAME LANGUAGE.
But Yue makes up her mind, and wades into the spirit oasis. I actually thought this scene was pretty neat: she floats over to the fish, and the color returns to her hair and she dies and the moon is restored.
OUTSIDE AT FIGHTING CENTRAL
AAAANG: ::stare::
ZHAO: ::stare::
WATERBENDERS: ::stare::
FIREBENDERS: ::stare::
And then some dude snaps and tackles a firebender, and the action starts again.
KIRSTIN AND I: ::wild applause::
A DESERTED WALL SOMEWHERE
ZUKO: ::ominous footsteps::
ZHAO: D: I killed you!
ZUKO: Like an explosion could stop me. Finally, I'm going to kick some --
EEROH: Zuko, honey, go wait in the boat.
ZUKO: :(
EEROH: You know, Zhao, I've always admired how easily you make enemies and alienate people. Good luck with that!
And then four random waterbenders show up and unleash watery tentacle death. Where were these guys during the rest of the fight scenes? Honestly.
FIGHTING CENTRAL
Strike a pose!
AAAANG: AVATAR COMING THROUGH!
EVERYONE: ::considerately forms a corridor through the fighting::
KIRSTIN: LOOK OUT, WORLD, HERE I COME!
Anyways, amidst all the fighting, Aaaang keeps having flashbacks to what Trogdor told him about the POWER of the OCEAN (and his waterbending lessons, and the time he ran away from the temple, and...) and finally runs up to the walls and goes into the Aaaavatar state. He whips up a huge tidal wave and... just kind of leaves it there, looming over the Fire Navy.
THE FIRE NAVY
FN CAPTAIN #7: Uh, I guess this means we should leave?
FN CAPTAIN #9: Guess so.
A TINY LIFEBOAT
EEROH: Zuko, row faster.
THE NORTH POLE
All the fighting stops, and Aaaang carefully puts the tidal wave back. I'm guessing the remaining firebenders surrendered because their rides left, but they don't actually say. Soakka and Katara join up with Aaaang as he descends from the walls, and provide moral support as everyone ::dramatic bongo music:: bows to him. Then they go and ::dramatic pirate music:: bow to him too.
ME: My friends, you bow to no one!
There's a tense moment, and then Aaaang... does an interpretive dance? SERIOUSLY WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT.
NO WONDER YOU DIDN'T WANT TO BE THE AAAAVATAR, YOU LOOK LIKE A DOOFUS.
AAAANG: ::poses::
AAAANG: ::poses::
AAAANG: Uh, how long do I have to hold this position? Hello? Guys?
THE END
Oh, wait.
THE FIRE NATION
OZAI: Zhao was killed by extras, Eeroh is a traitor, and Zuko is STILL a huge loser. I need you to sit here while I explain that Sozin's comet is coming in three years, and on that day EVERY firebender will be able to generate their own flames. And then I need you to go hunt the Aaaavatar while I find M. Night Shyamalan and set him on fire, because seriously, three years? Lame comet powers? WE SOUND LIKE SUCH FEEBS.
AZULA: ::has creepy subtext and grins crazily, thereby giving a more accurate character interpretation in two seconds than anyone else has in the previous two hours::
THE END (IF ONLY)
KIRSTIN: Give me twenty-four hours, and *I* could come up with a better adaptation than that. While drunk.
ME: You know how given infinite time and typewriters, monkeys could write the entire works of Shakespeare? This script took them ten minutes.