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Entry tags:
"the insidious practice of cow-tipping..."
Last week: I finished researching, formulated a thesis for, and wrote a 13 page research paper in 2.5 days. It might even be good!
Last weekend, my parents, grandmother, and el Kirsitano came down to visit so as to see my spring concert. They also got to see me play handbells on Sunday! It was very exciting. Also, my mom brought down the guitar, which was unearthed in the guest bedroom (they finally gave Kirstin her own room). So now I'm learning to play the guitar! Even more importantly, apparently we have a BANJO that belonged to my uncle. So I think I know what I'm doing this summer. Mwahahahahahaha!
Exam schedule:
Monday 5/1: Abnormal Psych
Wednesday 5/3: Arthurian Lit
Friday 5/5: East Asian Mountain Religions
Tuesday 5/9: Study of Language
Wednesday 5/10: Victorian Novel
By some cruel twist of fate, all but one of my exams is at 8:30, and my dad can't pick me up until the 12th. Alas.
Ok, so Googlefight is like the best ever. Gacked from Marge, a return to the Great Debate:
water ice vs...
...Italian ice
...snow cone
...shaved ice
...Polish ice
I think we can see who is pretty much the winner.
In what is probably my finest moment ever, today I wrote Natasha a paper for her Modern Hinduism class that grossly represents all the major world religions without even trying. This includes Hinduism. This is probably a good example of why you should never ask me to write a paper for you.
A Well Thought-Out Hindluism Paper
PART I: A BRIEF AND COMPLETELY ACCURATE HISTORY OF INDIA
Once upon a time, Aryans ruled the world. These were not crazy German Aryans, but the original Aryans. Although they did probably take over the Dravidians, so they might have acted like Nazis anyways, I don't know. Anyways, the Aryans spoke Sanskrit, which is a lot like Proto-Indo-European, and since the initials spell PIE this was clearly the best language in the world. For example, if you wanted to count, you could say "ainaz, twa, thrijiz!" How cool is that?
In addition to inventing all the PIE-languages, the Aryans also invented Buddhism, which as everyone knows is loads better than Christianity because it was not corrupted by Evil Jewish Conspiracies (TM Nietszche. These happened because clearly, every single Jew ever is an impotent priest. Probably even the women, except they don't count because women are naturally inferior to men). Also, the rituals involving sacrificing the king and bringing him back to life to restore fertility to the land became the Holy Grail, allowing for The Da Vinci Code to be written to expose the VAST EVIL (Jewish?) CONSPIRACY of those DIABOLIC PAPISTS, the Roman Catholic Church, who wanted conceal the fact that Jesus (who was Buddhist, but also an impotent Jewish priest, and also probably ugly and thus defective) was married to Mary Magdalene and miraculously (since he was impotent) produced the French, who should rule the world if no better Aryan alternatives are found.
PART II: THE RISE OF HINDLUISM
However, Buddhism eventually fell out of favor and was replaced by Hindluism. Hindluism has a greater ratio of arms per deity (as opposed to Buddhism, which has only 2:1. Pitiful!), which undoubtedly greatly appealed to the juggling population of India. Also, Shiva made a point of trampling dwarves, creating an exciting sport whose widespread popularity unfortunately led to the extinction of this small but great race, depopulating even vast dwarrow-delfs like Khâzad Dûm. The world, meanwhile, was formed from a lotus leaf made of Vishnu's belly-button lint, which explains the narcotic properties of this plant (Homer 700 BC; Tennyson 1842). The priests of Kali went around investigating the prevalence of heart disease through a mystical hands-on approach, where they would chant "Kali-Ma!" and closely exam the patient's organ in the light of day. However, when observed by arrogant Westerners who, being fond of bacon and sausage, considered clogged arteries to be sacred, this ritual was grossly misinterpreted. In combination with the insidious practice of cow-tipping, such attitudes becamse intolerable to the Indians, who increased the amount of spice in their food in hopes of giving everyone indigestion. When this failed, under the leadership of Gandhi they marched to the sea and started their own line of salty snack foods. These completely flooded the United Kingdom market and lead to the collapse of the British Empire, paving the way for America to become the leader in unhealthy junk food. Gandhi, however, was pertubed by all the jokes about his being a "super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis", and decided to leave the world, dictating the Tao te Ching to Radha before he flew away. This ended the Silver Age of Hindluism.
However, a new age emerged under the leadership of the Prophet George Harrison, who was sitting on a rock in the desert when he was contacted by the archangel Gabriel, sitting on a pie, who told him "You shall be the Beatles with an A!" This movement splintered after his death after an argument over whether "I've Got My Mind Set On You" should be included in the canon of Holy Songs. Further conflict was produced when an amphora of LP's was discovered at Nag Hammadi, containing songs such as "Something Else" and "While My Guitar Gently Giggles", which were immediately denounced as apocryphal but have obtained a small but devoted following.
Today, Hindluism is a thriving world religion, with its greatest population now located on the sub-continent of India. It has attracted many non-Indians with its portrayal of the afterlife as filled with stripper factories, beer volcanoes, and all-you-care-to-eat naan buffets. Like the Aryans of long ago, this armful religion will one day take over the world, and a new Golden Age will dawn: a time when cows will graze in safety in the drive-throughs of McDonald's and all women's teats will leak for Krishna. It is my intention to go and read books that are not for school for several hours.
THE END
Last weekend, my parents, grandmother, and el Kirsitano came down to visit so as to see my spring concert. They also got to see me play handbells on Sunday! It was very exciting. Also, my mom brought down the guitar, which was unearthed in the guest bedroom (they finally gave Kirstin her own room). So now I'm learning to play the guitar! Even more importantly, apparently we have a BANJO that belonged to my uncle. So I think I know what I'm doing this summer. Mwahahahahahaha!
Exam schedule:
Wednesday 5/3: Arthurian Lit
Friday 5/5: East Asian Mountain Religions
Tuesday 5/9: Study of Language
Wednesday 5/10: Victorian Novel
By some cruel twist of fate, all but one of my exams is at 8:30, and my dad can't pick me up until the 12th. Alas.
Ok, so Googlefight is like the best ever. Gacked from Marge, a return to the Great Debate:
water ice vs...
...Italian ice
...snow cone
...shaved ice
...Polish ice
I think we can see who is pretty much the winner.
In what is probably my finest moment ever, today I wrote Natasha a paper for her Modern Hinduism class that grossly represents all the major world religions without even trying. This includes Hinduism. This is probably a good example of why you should never ask me to write a paper for you.
A Well Thought-Out Hindluism Paper
PART I: A BRIEF AND COMPLETELY ACCURATE HISTORY OF INDIA
Once upon a time, Aryans ruled the world. These were not crazy German Aryans, but the original Aryans. Although they did probably take over the Dravidians, so they might have acted like Nazis anyways, I don't know. Anyways, the Aryans spoke Sanskrit, which is a lot like Proto-Indo-European, and since the initials spell PIE this was clearly the best language in the world. For example, if you wanted to count, you could say "ainaz, twa, thrijiz!" How cool is that?
In addition to inventing all the PIE-languages, the Aryans also invented Buddhism, which as everyone knows is loads better than Christianity because it was not corrupted by Evil Jewish Conspiracies (TM Nietszche. These happened because clearly, every single Jew ever is an impotent priest. Probably even the women, except they don't count because women are naturally inferior to men). Also, the rituals involving sacrificing the king and bringing him back to life to restore fertility to the land became the Holy Grail, allowing for The Da Vinci Code to be written to expose the VAST EVIL (Jewish?) CONSPIRACY of those DIABOLIC PAPISTS, the Roman Catholic Church, who wanted conceal the fact that Jesus (who was Buddhist, but also an impotent Jewish priest, and also probably ugly and thus defective) was married to Mary Magdalene and miraculously (since he was impotent) produced the French, who should rule the world if no better Aryan alternatives are found.
PART II: THE RISE OF HINDLUISM
However, Buddhism eventually fell out of favor and was replaced by Hindluism. Hindluism has a greater ratio of arms per deity (as opposed to Buddhism, which has only 2:1. Pitiful!), which undoubtedly greatly appealed to the juggling population of India. Also, Shiva made a point of trampling dwarves, creating an exciting sport whose widespread popularity unfortunately led to the extinction of this small but great race, depopulating even vast dwarrow-delfs like Khâzad Dûm. The world, meanwhile, was formed from a lotus leaf made of Vishnu's belly-button lint, which explains the narcotic properties of this plant (Homer 700 BC; Tennyson 1842). The priests of Kali went around investigating the prevalence of heart disease through a mystical hands-on approach, where they would chant "Kali-Ma!" and closely exam the patient's organ in the light of day. However, when observed by arrogant Westerners who, being fond of bacon and sausage, considered clogged arteries to be sacred, this ritual was grossly misinterpreted. In combination with the insidious practice of cow-tipping, such attitudes becamse intolerable to the Indians, who increased the amount of spice in their food in hopes of giving everyone indigestion. When this failed, under the leadership of Gandhi they marched to the sea and started their own line of salty snack foods. These completely flooded the United Kingdom market and lead to the collapse of the British Empire, paving the way for America to become the leader in unhealthy junk food. Gandhi, however, was pertubed by all the jokes about his being a "super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis", and decided to leave the world, dictating the Tao te Ching to Radha before he flew away. This ended the Silver Age of Hindluism.
However, a new age emerged under the leadership of the Prophet George Harrison, who was sitting on a rock in the desert when he was contacted by the archangel Gabriel, sitting on a pie, who told him "You shall be the Beatles with an A!" This movement splintered after his death after an argument over whether "I've Got My Mind Set On You" should be included in the canon of Holy Songs. Further conflict was produced when an amphora of LP's was discovered at Nag Hammadi, containing songs such as "Something Else" and "While My Guitar Gently Giggles", which were immediately denounced as apocryphal but have obtained a small but devoted following.
Today, Hindluism is a thriving world religion, with its greatest population now located on the sub-continent of India. It has attracted many non-Indians with its portrayal of the afterlife as filled with stripper factories, beer volcanoes, and all-you-care-to-eat naan buffets. Like the Aryans of long ago, this armful religion will one day take over the world, and a new Golden Age will dawn: a time when cows will graze in safety in the drive-throughs of McDonald's and all women's teats will leak for Krishna. It is my intention to go and read books that are not for school for several hours.
THE END