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DAMN
CLASH OF THE TITANS: A SUMMARY
(NB: There are no TITANS CLASHING in this or any other film.)
IO: A lot of people are asking for help for a man named George Bailey. Wait, no, hold on. Once upon a time, Zeus and the gods CLASHED with THE TITANS! Then Hades RELEASED THE KRAKEN (sorry, Davy Jones)! And Zeus created mankind (sorry, Prometheus) and Hades got tricked into ruling the underworld, where for some reason he turned into Hades from Disney's Hercules. Now please enjoy this floating box!
DANAE: ::refrigeratored::
PERSEUS: WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
SPYROS: Well, I guess I'm a dad now...
IO: (Sorry, Danae.) His name is Perseus!
SPYROS: Thanks, narrator!
***
Several years later...
SPYROS: Perseus, one day you will do awesome stuff. But for now, you can clutch your chest whenever it storms, because blatant foreshadowing is key to being a hero.
***
Several MORE years later...
SPYROS: AUGH WHERE DID ALL THE FISH GO? DARN IT ALL TO HECK!
PERSEUS' ADOPTED MOM: Honey, we're out in the middle of the ocean. Can you curse the gods in a less lightning-happy place?
PERSEUS: Besides, shouldn't you be yelling DAMN! THE! GODS!?
SPYROS: I mean, that seems a little strong, but I can recite other lines from the trailer, if you like. Blah blah make a stand blah blah say enough.
PERSEUS: That works too!
***
PERSEUS: Yep, me and my family. I am totally happy!
SPYROS: Look, a bigass statue of Zeus!
ARGOSIAN SOLDIERS: WOOHOO! YEAH, WE'RE GONNA KICK THAT STATUE'S ASS!
BIGASS STATUE OF ZEUS: ::falls into ocean::
HADES: Just for that, I'm going to attack you with the vampires from Van Helsing! Or are they flying monkeys? Hmmm.
ARGOSIAN SOLDIERS: ::die of horror::
HADES: OMG YOU. I HATED TERMINATOR: SALVATION!
PERSEUS: What?
HADES: YOU RUINED THE FRANCHISE!
PERSEUS' FAMILY: ::refrigeratored::
PERSEUS: WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
***
Meanwhile, in Olympus...
ZEUS: I'm Liam Neeson, your god for every occasion!
HADES: Where on earth did everyone get super-shiny fourteenth-century armor?
ZEUS: Excalibur?
HADES: Right. About those humans...
ZEUS: I just want to be loved! Is that so much to ask? What am I doing wrong?
HADES: So, more smiting?
ZEUS: Sure, why not.
***
CEPHEUS: Woohoo, welcome to Argos (sorry, Acrisius and Ethiopia)! The home of everyone is totally more awesome than the gods!
ANDROMEDA: HAVE YOU PEOPLE NEVER HEARD OF HUBRIS?
CEPHEUS: Bless you!
ANDROMEDA: Here, clean-shaven stranger. You are apparently the only other sane person in the room. Take this sippy cup as a sign of --
RANDOM DUDE: NO PERSEUS/ANDROMEDA IN THIS MOVIE! ::smacks down sippy cup::
CASSIOPEIA: You know, we didn't need all those soldiers anyway. Smiting, shmiting. Andromeda is totally hotter than Aphrodite!
ANDROMEDA: ::facepalm::
HADES: Whoa, I missed some soldiers? Let me just suck them into this black hole here... Ok! Cassiopeia, I'mma turn you into a mummy, hold on... ok! Andromeda, if you aren't sacrificed in ten days, I'm going to RELEASE THE KRAKEN! Perseus, THE SCREENPLAY FOR AVATAR WAS AWFUL, THAT'S THREE HOURS I'LL NEVER GET BACK! ::attempted smiting::
PERSEUS: ::immune to smiting:: DAMN YOU, VOLDEMORT! DAMN YOU AND ALL YOUR REFRIGERATORS!
HADES: Oh, it is on. Hey everyone, Perseus here is a son of Zeus! See you in ten days!
***
Meanwhile, in Olympus...
HADES: There's still a demi-god in Argos. Want to reconsider the smiting?
ZEUS: Meh.
***
RANDOM DUDE: NO ONE EXPECTS THE ARGOSIAN INQUISITION!
CEPHEUS: Certainly not classicists. Look, how 'bout you save my daughter, Mr. Fancypants son of Zeus, hmm?
PERSEUS: Yeah, I'll totally fight the invincible giant hell-squid monster. OR NOT.
***
Later, in the dungeon...
PERSEUS: Son of Zeus? What the crap.
IO: As your narrator and someone who has also suffered the refrigerators of the gods, I sympathize with your plight.
PERSEUS: Did you just teleport in here?
IO: Well, it looked like you needed some backstory. Once upon a time, Acrisius was your typical blaspheming king, so Zeus totally boned his wife Danae (sorry, Danae. Again). Then Acrisius stuck her and the little bastard -- that's you -- in a refrigera-- err, box, then stood on top of a cliff during a thunderstorm wearing armor and swinging a golf club. But apparently getting struck by lightning is not as lethal as you'd think, so he chucked you into the ocean anyway, thus beginning the movie.
PERSEUS: But how am I supposed to DAMN! THE! GODS! if I'm related to them?
IO: Well, if you kill the kraken, you can totally stick it to Hades.
PERSEUS: I'm in!
***
DRACO: Hi, we're your complement of sarcastic old guys, indistinguishable wary dudes, and interchangeable pretty boys, because the king realizes you need people to die in the fight scenes, but doesn't actually like you.
PERSEUS: So why do you get a name?
DRACO: Because I'm the shadiest. Now strap some armor over your t-shirt and let's go!
***
PERSEUS: Uh, why is there a flying R2-D2 owl in this box marked "Homage"?
DRACO: A question people have been asking since 1981.
***
TWO ETHNIC DUDES: 'Allo! We hunt monsters and fulfill ill-defined diversity quotient, yes?
PERSEUS: Sure, why not?
***
Meanwhile, in a swamp...
HADES: Kalibos....
ACRISIUS: Sure, shoehorn in a random name that was made up for the original, why not.
HADES: I'm totally double-crossing Zeus.
ACRISIUS: And that is relevant why...?
HADES: Shush, the narrator's working against me, I've got to exposit where I can. Anyways, have some generic god powers and go kill Perseus, since your refrigerator-box ploy didn't work.
ACRISIUS: Will do! (Sorry, me.)
***
Later, in a forest...
INTERCHANGEABLE PRETTY BOY: ::plays recorder. Badly::
SARCASTIC OLD GUY: ::breaks it in half::
INTERCHANGEABLE PRETTY BOY: ::plays another recorder. Badly::
PERSEUS: A valiant attempt to establish personalities, men! Well done, even if I still don't know any of your names.
***
DRACO: So, can you magically learn fighting, or will we need a training montage?
PERSEUS: No, I think I've got it covered.
***
PERSEUS: ::zzzt!::
DRACO: Whoa, did you just find a lightsaber?
PERSEUS: Apparently we've not only one-upped the original movie on crapping on mythology, we've also one-upped it on stealing from Star Wars! But I don't want it, it's godly. Ew.
DRACO: Dude, LIGHTSABER.
PERSEUS: Whatever!
***
IO: Look, I found a herd of Pegasi (sorry, Bellerophon)! I think they've escaped from Fantasia.
PERSEUS: You know, I always liked that little black one, he was way more manly than the others.
MANLY!PEGASUS: Ta-daaaaaaa!
PERSEUS: Sweet.
MANLY!PEGASUS: !!!!! ::flies away::
INTERCHANGEABLE PRETTY BOY: ::dies::
KALIBOS!ACRISIUS: NOM NOM NOM!
PERSEUS: OW! Fight scene, everyone!
INDISTINGUISHABLE WARY DUDE: ::dies::
DRACO: ::BAMFs::
KALICRISIUS: Ow, my hand! ::runs away::
PERSEUS: Quick, follow him! We need more fight scenes!
ACRISIBOS' WOUNDED BODY PARTS: ::turn into bigass scorpions (sorry, Orion)::
INDISTINGUISHABLE WARY DUDE: ::dies::
SCORPIONS: ::attack rhythmically with Guitars of War::
TWO ETHNIC DUDES: ::kill scorpion::
DRACO: ::kills scorpion::
PERSEUS: ::menaced by scorpion::
IO: WHERE'S MY COW? IS THAT MY COW? IT GOES "HREEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHH!" IT IS A SCORPION! THAT! IS! NOT! MY! COW!!!!!
PERSEUS: Are you fighting with bolas?
IO: I JUST REALLY HATE BUGS, OK?
PERSEUS: ::bursts out of scorpion::
IO: Wait, when did you even get eaten?
PERSEUS: Uh... look, more scorpions! Really... big... scorpions... Aw, man, we're out of indistinguishable wary dudes! Oh well, time for another fight sce--
SULEIMAN THE WOODNIFICENT: #$%&*&!
SCORPIONS: ::owned::
PERSEUS: ...the hell?
DRACO: It's the djinn! They know dark magic and are made out of wood!
PERSEUS: Did we just invent a stereotype?
IO: Hell, I think we just invented a mythology.
PERSEUS: He looks like if Optimus Prime could turn into a wagon-- OW OW EVIL HAND OW.
DRACO: PRAY TO THE GODS! THEY'VE DONE NOTHING HELPFUL THIS MOVIE BUT DO IT ANYWAY!
PERSEUS: HELL NO! I DON'T CARE HOW MANY PEOPLE BITE ME!
SULEIMAN THE WOODNIFICENT: ::sets Perseus' evil hand on fire::
DRACO: OMG WTF, FIGHT SCENE! ::BAMFs::
SULEIMAN THE WOODNIFICENT: @#$*(!
PERSEUS: Wait, guys, that actually feels a lot better! This only supports my hypothesis that setting stuff on fire is a solution for all occasions.
SULEIMAN THE WOODNIFICENT: $*&@^!
IO: He says he'll give us a ride on the newly-tamed scorpions!
PERSEUS: Where did they get all the wood scaffolding from?
IO: I think you're sitting on Tamburlaine.
SULEIMAN THE WOODNIFICENT: @%)@*!
IO: Scorpionauts, ROLL OUT!
***
Meanwhile, on Olympus...
ZEUS: For the last time, it is pronounced KRACKEN!
HADES: KRAHKEN!
ZEUS: KRACKEN!
HADES: KRAHKEN!
***
IO: Okay, we've arrived at the Stygian witches (sorry, Graiai). Remember, only ask them plot-relevant questions!
PERSEUS: The Stygian Witches live on The Awakening?
IO: It's the site of the CLASH OF THE TITANS! Actual titans, not metaphorical ones such as yourself.
***
PERSEUS: So, how do I kill the kraken?
WITCHES: You can't. However, if you feed us an interchangeable pretty boy, we could probably give you more information about all the ways you can fail.
PERSEUS: Or I can steal your hot-potato eye and you can give me USEFUL advice.
WITCHES: OW OW TAKE YOUR FIRST RIGHT OUT OF HERE AND FOLLOW IT TO THE RIVER STYX. CROSS IT AND BEAR TO THE LEFT, AND YOU'LL REACH THE LAIR OF MEDUSA. HER GAZE CAN TURN ANY LIVING THING INTO STONE.
PERSEUS: Hey, thanks! Catch!
WITCHES: ALSO, YOU'RE GOING TO DIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!
***
IO: Told you.
PERSEUS: But I didn't actually ask them any non-plot-related questions! I don't even think their stupid prophecy is going to have any relevance at all in this movie!
SULEIMAN THE WOODNIFICENT: @#$*(!
IO: He says that Avicenna and Saladin are taking their scorpions and going home.
TWO ETHNIC DUDES: Yeah, us too. Too many vowels in DIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE! But we made you this shield out of a scorpion to remember us by!
***
ZEUS: Don't mind me, harmless old wanderer, dum de doo...
PERSEUS: Hands up, Gandalf, you're not fooling anyone.
ZEUS: Perseus! Didn't expect to see you here. So, how about ditching those losers and moving in with your dear old dad? It's got to beat DIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEing.
PERSEUS: I'll pass. I've got a surplus of father-figures right now, NO THANKS TO YOU. Also, I spend all my free time DAMNing! THE! GODS! and generally being a punkass kid. Why do you even want me around?
ZEUS: K-R-A-K-E-N.
PERSEUS: What, the kracken?
ZEUS: HA! I mean, here, you'll need this shiny coin to pay the GrimFairy Furry Ferryman. I'll get you a bike for your next birthday.
***
IO: Here it is: the river Styx.
PERSEUS: You're fooling yourself if you don't believe it.
IO: Stop that.
SULEIMAN THE WOODNIFICENT: )&*%^! ::yoinks coin::
IO: He says he's found the hastily slapped-on 3D effects!
SULEIMAN THE WOODNIFICENT: @*@#(! ::epic coin-skip across the river and into the audience::
DRACO: So, did Charon escape from Halloween Adventure, or what?
PERSEUS: Taunting the dude taking you to the underworld? Nice.
DRACO: Ehh, I'm not that fussed. I'm only eight days away from my retirement. Wanna see a picture of my family?
PERSEUS: Uh, Draco --
DRACO: No, it's ok, they're dead already.
PERSEUS: Aww, man, how many father-figures am I going to go through in this movie?
IO: If it makes you feel any better, I won't be helping you fight. This creepy Freudian imagery is for you guys. Well, maybe not the interchangeable pretty boys. Let me start discarding my outerwear to check on you, Perseus.
PERSEUS: Oh yeah, I'm sailing away -- AUGH!
IO: SNEAK ATTACK! That's what Medusa will do. Especially if you start singing progressive rock songs.
PERSEUS: The jig is up, the news is out? OW!
IO: Exactly. Remember: stealthy ninja snake-lady!
PERSEUS: Oh, that reminds me. Lady, from the moment I saw you, standing (whoa-oa-oa) all-- ACK!
IO: Oh, look at that, you're dead again. Let me caress your manly chest to drive my point home.
SARCASTIC OLD GUY: Hur hur hur, "home". Wait, no, "point". Damn! I mean, "caress". Yeah. Anyways, we're there.
***
PERSEUS: Ok, guys. Once upon my dad said something epic and sound-clippy. And in a way, I consider you ALL my father.
IO: Beautiful.
PERSEUS: Anyways, FIGHT SCENE!
***
Later, in Medusa's Lair...
PERSEUS: Remember: DON'T LOOK UP! Feel free to repeat that as often as you need for extra irony.
SARCASTIC OLD DUDE: Can I pose next to a petrified guy in the SAME pose, too?
PERSEUS: Sure, that'd be great!
MEDUSA: Mr. Draco, would you stand up please?
DRACO: Uh, ok...
MEDUSA: MWAHAHAHAHA! :zing!::
DRACO: OW!
MEDUSA: This demonstrates the value of not being seen. MWAHAHAHAHA! Ok, who wants to be shot next?
SARCASTIC OLD DUDE: Not me!
MEDUSA: Mr. Sarcastic Old Dude has learned the value of not being seen. However, he has chosen a very obvious piece of cover. MWAHAHAHAHA! ::zing!::
SARCASTIC OLD DUDE: ::dies::
INTERCHANGEABLE PRETTY BOY: Remember, don't look up! ::looks up::
MEDUSA: MWAHAHAHAHA! ::DEATH GLARE::
INTERCHANGEABLE PRETTY BOY: ::dies::
INTERCHANGEABLE PRETTY BOY: I'M NOT LOOKING UP! ::dies anyway::
SULEIMAN THE WOODNIFICENT: &^#*!
MEDUSA: MWAHAHAHAHA! ::DEATH GLARE::
SULEIMAN THE WOODNIFICENT: #@^^&!
PERSEUS: Wait, you're still alive? Or, uh, still not-alive? Made-up mythology is so confusing!
SULEIMAN THE WOODNIFICENT: ^&^%$! ::explodes::
MEDUSA: OW!
PERSEUS: ...the hell?
DRACO: STALAGMITE ATTACK!
PERSEUS: Stalagmites are the ones on the ground.
DRACO: STALACTITE ATTACK!
PERSEUS: Much better.
MEDUSA: OW! ::DEATH GLARE::
DRACO: ::dies, but in a BAMFy way::
MEDUSA: MWAHAHAHA!
PERSEUS: WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME MY EPIC TRAILER LEAPING SCENE WAS ME RUNNING AWAY?
MEDUSA: MWAHAHAHA!
PERSEUS: Wait, was my scorpion shield always this shiny? DID SULEIMAN EXPLODE ON MY SHIELD?
MEDUSA: MWAHAHAHA!
PERSEUS: You know what? I don't care. ::stabbity mirror action!::
MEDUSA: MWAHA -- OW! ::snaky body falls in pit of liquid hot magma::
***
PERSEUS: Hey, Io, I actually followed my own myth for a while! Also, everyone else died. Thank goodness I've got you!
IO: That's -- OW!
ACRISIBOS: Taste the wrath of my barbecue fork! -- Hey, is that a lightsaber?
PERSEUS: YES. ::zzzt!:: And this is a move I stole from Achilles! ::stabbity leap::
ACRISIUS: OW! Oh, have some fatherly advice before I go.
PERSEUS: Wait, the BAD GUY is my father-figure too?
ACRISIUS: Don't be a god. Seriously, they suck. The trailers all said so. ::dies::
IO: So, you need to go save your official love interest now. Don't mind me, I can just die quietly. At least we're already in the underworld, so it will be a short trip.
PERSEUS: But I had actual scenes with you! And who's going to narrate the movie?
IO: ::refrigeratored::
PERSEUS: WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
IO: ::sparkles out of existence:: Oh, one last thing --
MANLY!PEGASUS: Ta-daaaaaa!
***
Meanwhile, in Olympus...
HADES: Guess what time it is?
ZEUS: ::sigh:: Must I?
HADES: Look, you're the one who was all "Ohh, those uppity humans tug my beard, go smite them, Hades!".
ZEUS: Fine. RELEASE THE KRAKEN!
HADES: ...Krahken.
ZEUS: SHUT UP.
***
Later, in Argos...
KRAKEN: ::squid-humps the whole city::
CRAZY DUDE: Sacrifice Andromeda! Then Hades will spare us! Our tinfoil hats will protect us!
ANDROMEDA: He has a point, you know. Well, not about the tinfoil hats.
CEPHEUS: But my daughter is more important than a whole city!
ANDROMEDA: ...You are the worst king ever. OKAY, CRAZY MOB. I'M WEARING MY GETTING-EATEN-BY-THE-KRAKEN NIGHTIE, WE CAN GO.
CRAZY MOB: Good thing we built this kraken-sacrificing platform! PUT ON YOUR HATS, EVERYONE!
***
Meanwhile, in Olympus...
HADES: So, now that you've started killing all your believers, how 'bout I tell you about my evil plan?
ZEUS: Whatever, I figured it out already.
HADES: Wait, what?
ZEUS: Oh, and guess what? There's still a demi-god in Argos.
HADES: JUST BECAUSE THE GREEKS INVENTED IRONY IS NO REASON TO HIT ME ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
***
PERSEUS: ::flies epically out of the declipsing sun:: FIGHT SCE-- DAMN, that's a lot of tentacles.
HADES: Fly, my winged monkeys! Fly!
VAMPIRE MONKEYS: KEEPAWAY FROM PERSEUS! ::yoink Medusa's head::
***
PERSEUS: ::chases vampire monkeys::
TENTACLES: ::chase Perseus::
MOVIE: ::repeat as needed::
***
TWO ETHNIC DUDES ON SCORPION: WE CAME BACK FOR THE FINALE! ::kill vampire monkey::
ANDROMEDA: SERIOUSLY I'VE BEEN HANGING HERE FOR AGES AND MY ARMS ARE STARTING TO GET TIRED, CAN I EITHER GET EATEN OR RESCUED?
PERSEUS: I'm sorry, but I lost my horse in the fight scene and there are a lot of stairs. Right, here we go!
CEPHEUS AND CRAZY DUDE: ::die, just for the hell of it::
KRAKEN: NOM NOM --
MEDUSA: ::DEATH GLARE::
KRAKEN: ::dies::
PERSEUS: ::loses his head. Well, Medusa's, anyway::
HADES: You do realize that you can't actually kill me, right?
PERSEUS: Yes, but I can SERIOUSLY INCONVENIENCE YOU!
ANDROMEDA: ...You need to work on your battle-cry.
PERSEUS: BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL! ::throws lightning-powered lightsaber at Hades::
HADES: DRACULA YEAR ZERO IS GONNA SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK... ::falls into underworld::
ANDROMEDA: Much betterrrrrrrrrr... ::falls into ocean::
PERSEUS: NO MORE REFRIGERATOOOOOOOOORS! ::rescues::
***
Later, in the epilogue...
ANDROMEDA: So... the myth says we're supposed to get married and unite our two sovereign states.
PERSEUS: Yeah, but I've got a flying horse.
ANDROMEDA: Point.
PERSEUS: Good luck with the whole ruling thing! ::flies away::
***
ZEUS: So, are you sure you don't want to come to Olympus? The rest of my interesting demi-god children won't come along for a while now. You can stay in the basement free of rent...
PERSEUS: No, I'm pretty sure that goes against my whole DAMN! THE! GODS! thing. But I have run out of father-figures, so I might be persuaded to not totally hate you.
ZEUS: Glad to hear it. I didn't get you a bike for your birthday, but I DID cash in your deus ex machina coupon! It seemed appropriate, really.
IO: ::sparkles into existence::
PERSEUS: I KNEW you could teleport!
ZEUS: I hope you like older women. And, uh, sloppy seconds. And incest.
PERSEUS: What?
ZEUS: Later! ::flies away::
IO: Let's see... you're not a king, I'm not a cow, and we have a flying horse (sorry, us). But we did spend an hour and a half crapping all over Greek mythology with no serious consequences, so I feel safe in saying: and we all lived happily ever after, THE END.
In conclusion: Murphy does not approve of your faily Greek myth adaptations.
(NB: There are no TITANS CLASHING in this or any other film.)
IO: A lot of people are asking for help for a man named George Bailey. Wait, no, hold on. Once upon a time, Zeus and the gods CLASHED with THE TITANS! Then Hades RELEASED THE KRAKEN (sorry, Davy Jones)! And Zeus created mankind (sorry, Prometheus) and Hades got tricked into ruling the underworld, where for some reason he turned into Hades from Disney's Hercules. Now please enjoy this floating box!
DANAE: ::refrigeratored::
PERSEUS: WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
SPYROS: Well, I guess I'm a dad now...
IO: (Sorry, Danae.) His name is Perseus!
SPYROS: Thanks, narrator!
***
Several years later...
SPYROS: Perseus, one day you will do awesome stuff. But for now, you can clutch your chest whenever it storms, because blatant foreshadowing is key to being a hero.
***
Several MORE years later...
SPYROS: AUGH WHERE DID ALL THE FISH GO? DARN IT ALL TO HECK!
PERSEUS' ADOPTED MOM: Honey, we're out in the middle of the ocean. Can you curse the gods in a less lightning-happy place?
PERSEUS: Besides, shouldn't you be yelling DAMN! THE! GODS!?
SPYROS: I mean, that seems a little strong, but I can recite other lines from the trailer, if you like. Blah blah make a stand blah blah say enough.
PERSEUS: That works too!
***
PERSEUS: Yep, me and my family. I am totally happy!
SPYROS: Look, a bigass statue of Zeus!
ARGOSIAN SOLDIERS: WOOHOO! YEAH, WE'RE GONNA KICK THAT STATUE'S ASS!
BIGASS STATUE OF ZEUS: ::falls into ocean::
HADES: Just for that, I'm going to attack you with the vampires from Van Helsing! Or are they flying monkeys? Hmmm.
ARGOSIAN SOLDIERS: ::die of horror::
HADES: OMG YOU. I HATED TERMINATOR: SALVATION!
PERSEUS: What?
HADES: YOU RUINED THE FRANCHISE!
PERSEUS' FAMILY: ::refrigeratored::
PERSEUS: WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
***
Meanwhile, in Olympus...
ZEUS: I'm Liam Neeson, your god for every occasion!
HADES: Where on earth did everyone get super-shiny fourteenth-century armor?
ZEUS: Excalibur?
HADES: Right. About those humans...
ZEUS: I just want to be loved! Is that so much to ask? What am I doing wrong?
HADES: So, more smiting?
ZEUS: Sure, why not.
***
CEPHEUS: Woohoo, welcome to Argos (sorry, Acrisius and Ethiopia)! The home of everyone is totally more awesome than the gods!
ANDROMEDA: HAVE YOU PEOPLE NEVER HEARD OF HUBRIS?
CEPHEUS: Bless you!
ANDROMEDA: Here, clean-shaven stranger. You are apparently the only other sane person in the room. Take this sippy cup as a sign of --
RANDOM DUDE: NO PERSEUS/ANDROMEDA IN THIS MOVIE! ::smacks down sippy cup::
CASSIOPEIA: You know, we didn't need all those soldiers anyway. Smiting, shmiting. Andromeda is totally hotter than Aphrodite!
ANDROMEDA: ::facepalm::
HADES: Whoa, I missed some soldiers? Let me just suck them into this black hole here... Ok! Cassiopeia, I'mma turn you into a mummy, hold on... ok! Andromeda, if you aren't sacrificed in ten days, I'm going to RELEASE THE KRAKEN! Perseus, THE SCREENPLAY FOR AVATAR WAS AWFUL, THAT'S THREE HOURS I'LL NEVER GET BACK! ::attempted smiting::
PERSEUS: ::immune to smiting:: DAMN YOU, VOLDEMORT! DAMN YOU AND ALL YOUR REFRIGERATORS!
HADES: Oh, it is on. Hey everyone, Perseus here is a son of Zeus! See you in ten days!
***
Meanwhile, in Olympus...
HADES: There's still a demi-god in Argos. Want to reconsider the smiting?
ZEUS: Meh.
***
RANDOM DUDE: NO ONE EXPECTS THE ARGOSIAN INQUISITION!
CEPHEUS: Certainly not classicists. Look, how 'bout you save my daughter, Mr. Fancypants son of Zeus, hmm?
PERSEUS: Yeah, I'll totally fight the invincible giant hell-squid monster. OR NOT.
***
Later, in the dungeon...
PERSEUS: Son of Zeus? What the crap.
IO: As your narrator and someone who has also suffered the refrigerators of the gods, I sympathize with your plight.
PERSEUS: Did you just teleport in here?
IO: Well, it looked like you needed some backstory. Once upon a time, Acrisius was your typical blaspheming king, so Zeus totally boned his wife Danae (sorry, Danae. Again). Then Acrisius stuck her and the little bastard -- that's you -- in a refrigera-- err, box, then stood on top of a cliff during a thunderstorm wearing armor and swinging a golf club. But apparently getting struck by lightning is not as lethal as you'd think, so he chucked you into the ocean anyway, thus beginning the movie.
PERSEUS: But how am I supposed to DAMN! THE! GODS! if I'm related to them?
IO: Well, if you kill the kraken, you can totally stick it to Hades.
PERSEUS: I'm in!
***
DRACO: Hi, we're your complement of sarcastic old guys, indistinguishable wary dudes, and interchangeable pretty boys, because the king realizes you need people to die in the fight scenes, but doesn't actually like you.
PERSEUS: So why do you get a name?
DRACO: Because I'm the shadiest. Now strap some armor over your t-shirt and let's go!
***
PERSEUS: Uh, why is there a flying R2-D2 owl in this box marked "Homage"?
DRACO: A question people have been asking since 1981.
***
TWO ETHNIC DUDES: 'Allo! We hunt monsters and fulfill ill-defined diversity quotient, yes?
PERSEUS: Sure, why not?
***
Meanwhile, in a swamp...
HADES: Kalibos....
ACRISIUS: Sure, shoehorn in a random name that was made up for the original, why not.
HADES: I'm totally double-crossing Zeus.
ACRISIUS: And that is relevant why...?
HADES: Shush, the narrator's working against me, I've got to exposit where I can. Anyways, have some generic god powers and go kill Perseus, since your refrigerator-box ploy didn't work.
ACRISIUS: Will do! (Sorry, me.)
***
Later, in a forest...
INTERCHANGEABLE PRETTY BOY: ::plays recorder. Badly::
SARCASTIC OLD GUY: ::breaks it in half::
INTERCHANGEABLE PRETTY BOY: ::plays another recorder. Badly::
PERSEUS: A valiant attempt to establish personalities, men! Well done, even if I still don't know any of your names.
***
DRACO: So, can you magically learn fighting, or will we need a training montage?
PERSEUS: No, I think I've got it covered.
***
PERSEUS: ::zzzt!::
DRACO: Whoa, did you just find a lightsaber?
PERSEUS: Apparently we've not only one-upped the original movie on crapping on mythology, we've also one-upped it on stealing from Star Wars! But I don't want it, it's godly. Ew.
DRACO: Dude, LIGHTSABER.
PERSEUS: Whatever!
***
IO: Look, I found a herd of Pegasi (sorry, Bellerophon)! I think they've escaped from Fantasia.
PERSEUS: You know, I always liked that little black one, he was way more manly than the others.
MANLY!PEGASUS: Ta-daaaaaaa!
PERSEUS: Sweet.
MANLY!PEGASUS: !!!!! ::flies away::
INTERCHANGEABLE PRETTY BOY: ::dies::
KALIBOS!ACRISIUS: NOM NOM NOM!
PERSEUS: OW! Fight scene, everyone!
INDISTINGUISHABLE WARY DUDE: ::dies::
DRACO: ::BAMFs::
KALICRISIUS: Ow, my hand! ::runs away::
PERSEUS: Quick, follow him! We need more fight scenes!
ACRISIBOS' WOUNDED BODY PARTS: ::turn into bigass scorpions (sorry, Orion)::
INDISTINGUISHABLE WARY DUDE: ::dies::
SCORPIONS: ::attack rhythmically with Guitars of War::
TWO ETHNIC DUDES: ::kill scorpion::
DRACO: ::kills scorpion::
PERSEUS: ::menaced by scorpion::
IO: WHERE'S MY COW? IS THAT MY COW? IT GOES "HREEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHH!" IT IS A SCORPION! THAT! IS! NOT! MY! COW!!!!!
PERSEUS: Are you fighting with bolas?
IO: I JUST REALLY HATE BUGS, OK?
PERSEUS: ::bursts out of scorpion::
IO: Wait, when did you even get eaten?
PERSEUS: Uh... look, more scorpions! Really... big... scorpions... Aw, man, we're out of indistinguishable wary dudes! Oh well, time for another fight sce--
SULEIMAN THE WOODNIFICENT: #$%&*&!
SCORPIONS: ::owned::
PERSEUS: ...the hell?
DRACO: It's the djinn! They know dark magic and are made out of wood!
PERSEUS: Did we just invent a stereotype?
IO: Hell, I think we just invented a mythology.
PERSEUS: He looks like if Optimus Prime could turn into a wagon-- OW OW EVIL HAND OW.
DRACO: PRAY TO THE GODS! THEY'VE DONE NOTHING HELPFUL THIS MOVIE BUT DO IT ANYWAY!
PERSEUS: HELL NO! I DON'T CARE HOW MANY PEOPLE BITE ME!
SULEIMAN THE WOODNIFICENT: ::sets Perseus' evil hand on fire::
DRACO: OMG WTF, FIGHT SCENE! ::BAMFs::
SULEIMAN THE WOODNIFICENT: @#$*(!
PERSEUS: Wait, guys, that actually feels a lot better! This only supports my hypothesis that setting stuff on fire is a solution for all occasions.
SULEIMAN THE WOODNIFICENT: $*&@^!
IO: He says he'll give us a ride on the newly-tamed scorpions!
PERSEUS: Where did they get all the wood scaffolding from?
IO: I think you're sitting on Tamburlaine.
SULEIMAN THE WOODNIFICENT: @%)@*!
IO: Scorpionauts, ROLL OUT!
***
Meanwhile, on Olympus...
ZEUS: For the last time, it is pronounced KRACKEN!
HADES: KRAHKEN!
ZEUS: KRACKEN!
HADES: KRAHKEN!
***
IO: Okay, we've arrived at the Stygian witches (sorry, Graiai). Remember, only ask them plot-relevant questions!
PERSEUS: The Stygian Witches live on The Awakening?
IO: It's the site of the CLASH OF THE TITANS! Actual titans, not metaphorical ones such as yourself.
***
PERSEUS: So, how do I kill the kraken?
WITCHES: You can't. However, if you feed us an interchangeable pretty boy, we could probably give you more information about all the ways you can fail.
PERSEUS: Or I can steal your hot-potato eye and you can give me USEFUL advice.
WITCHES: OW OW TAKE YOUR FIRST RIGHT OUT OF HERE AND FOLLOW IT TO THE RIVER STYX. CROSS IT AND BEAR TO THE LEFT, AND YOU'LL REACH THE LAIR OF MEDUSA. HER GAZE CAN TURN ANY LIVING THING INTO STONE.
PERSEUS: Hey, thanks! Catch!
WITCHES: ALSO, YOU'RE GOING TO DIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!
***
IO: Told you.
PERSEUS: But I didn't actually ask them any non-plot-related questions! I don't even think their stupid prophecy is going to have any relevance at all in this movie!
SULEIMAN THE WOODNIFICENT: @#$*(!
IO: He says that Avicenna and Saladin are taking their scorpions and going home.
TWO ETHNIC DUDES: Yeah, us too. Too many vowels in DIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE! But we made you this shield out of a scorpion to remember us by!
***
ZEUS: Don't mind me, harmless old wanderer, dum de doo...
PERSEUS: Hands up, Gandalf, you're not fooling anyone.
ZEUS: Perseus! Didn't expect to see you here. So, how about ditching those losers and moving in with your dear old dad? It's got to beat DIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEing.
PERSEUS: I'll pass. I've got a surplus of father-figures right now, NO THANKS TO YOU. Also, I spend all my free time DAMNing! THE! GODS! and generally being a punkass kid. Why do you even want me around?
ZEUS: K-R-A-K-E-N.
PERSEUS: What, the kracken?
ZEUS: HA! I mean, here, you'll need this shiny coin to pay the Grim
***
IO: Here it is: the river Styx.
PERSEUS: You're fooling yourself if you don't believe it.
IO: Stop that.
SULEIMAN THE WOODNIFICENT: )&*%^! ::yoinks coin::
IO: He says he's found the hastily slapped-on 3D effects!
SULEIMAN THE WOODNIFICENT: @*@#(! ::epic coin-skip across the river and into the audience::
DRACO: So, did Charon escape from Halloween Adventure, or what?
PERSEUS: Taunting the dude taking you to the underworld? Nice.
DRACO: Ehh, I'm not that fussed. I'm only eight days away from my retirement. Wanna see a picture of my family?
PERSEUS: Uh, Draco --
DRACO: No, it's ok, they're dead already.
PERSEUS: Aww, man, how many father-figures am I going to go through in this movie?
IO: If it makes you feel any better, I won't be helping you fight. This creepy Freudian imagery is for you guys. Well, maybe not the interchangeable pretty boys. Let me start discarding my outerwear to check on you, Perseus.
PERSEUS: Oh yeah, I'm sailing away -- AUGH!
IO: SNEAK ATTACK! That's what Medusa will do. Especially if you start singing progressive rock songs.
PERSEUS: The jig is up, the news is out? OW!
IO: Exactly. Remember: stealthy ninja snake-lady!
PERSEUS: Oh, that reminds me. Lady, from the moment I saw you, standing (whoa-oa-oa) all-- ACK!
IO: Oh, look at that, you're dead again. Let me caress your manly chest to drive my point home.
SARCASTIC OLD GUY: Hur hur hur, "home". Wait, no, "point". Damn! I mean, "caress". Yeah. Anyways, we're there.
***
PERSEUS: Ok, guys. Once upon my dad said something epic and sound-clippy. And in a way, I consider you ALL my father.
IO: Beautiful.
PERSEUS: Anyways, FIGHT SCENE!
***
Later, in Medusa's Lair...
PERSEUS: Remember: DON'T LOOK UP! Feel free to repeat that as often as you need for extra irony.
SARCASTIC OLD DUDE: Can I pose next to a petrified guy in the SAME pose, too?
PERSEUS: Sure, that'd be great!
MEDUSA: Mr. Draco, would you stand up please?
DRACO: Uh, ok...
MEDUSA: MWAHAHAHAHA! :zing!::
DRACO: OW!
MEDUSA: This demonstrates the value of not being seen. MWAHAHAHAHA! Ok, who wants to be shot next?
SARCASTIC OLD DUDE: Not me!
MEDUSA: Mr. Sarcastic Old Dude has learned the value of not being seen. However, he has chosen a very obvious piece of cover. MWAHAHAHAHA! ::zing!::
SARCASTIC OLD DUDE: ::dies::
INTERCHANGEABLE PRETTY BOY: Remember, don't look up! ::looks up::
MEDUSA: MWAHAHAHAHA! ::DEATH GLARE::
INTERCHANGEABLE PRETTY BOY: ::dies::
INTERCHANGEABLE PRETTY BOY: I'M NOT LOOKING UP! ::dies anyway::
SULEIMAN THE WOODNIFICENT: &^#*!
MEDUSA: MWAHAHAHAHA! ::DEATH GLARE::
SULEIMAN THE WOODNIFICENT: #@^^&!
PERSEUS: Wait, you're still alive? Or, uh, still not-alive? Made-up mythology is so confusing!
SULEIMAN THE WOODNIFICENT: ^&^%$! ::explodes::
MEDUSA: OW!
PERSEUS: ...the hell?
DRACO: STALAGMITE ATTACK!
PERSEUS: Stalagmites are the ones on the ground.
DRACO: STALACTITE ATTACK!
PERSEUS: Much better.
MEDUSA: OW! ::DEATH GLARE::
DRACO: ::dies, but in a BAMFy way::
MEDUSA: MWAHAHAHA!
PERSEUS: WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME MY EPIC TRAILER LEAPING SCENE WAS ME RUNNING AWAY?
MEDUSA: MWAHAHAHA!
PERSEUS: Wait, was my scorpion shield always this shiny? DID SULEIMAN EXPLODE ON MY SHIELD?
MEDUSA: MWAHAHAHA!
PERSEUS: You know what? I don't care. ::stabbity mirror action!::
MEDUSA: MWAHA -- OW! ::snaky body falls in pit of liquid hot magma::
***
PERSEUS: Hey, Io, I actually followed my own myth for a while! Also, everyone else died. Thank goodness I've got you!
IO: That's -- OW!
ACRISIBOS: Taste the wrath of my barbecue fork! -- Hey, is that a lightsaber?
PERSEUS: YES. ::zzzt!:: And this is a move I stole from Achilles! ::stabbity leap::
ACRISIUS: OW! Oh, have some fatherly advice before I go.
PERSEUS: Wait, the BAD GUY is my father-figure too?
ACRISIUS: Don't be a god. Seriously, they suck. The trailers all said so. ::dies::
IO: So, you need to go save your official love interest now. Don't mind me, I can just die quietly. At least we're already in the underworld, so it will be a short trip.
PERSEUS: But I had actual scenes with you! And who's going to narrate the movie?
IO: ::refrigeratored::
PERSEUS: WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
IO: ::sparkles out of existence:: Oh, one last thing --
MANLY!PEGASUS: Ta-daaaaaa!
***
Meanwhile, in Olympus...
HADES: Guess what time it is?
ZEUS: ::sigh:: Must I?
HADES: Look, you're the one who was all "Ohh, those uppity humans tug my beard, go smite them, Hades!".
ZEUS: Fine. RELEASE THE KRAKEN!
HADES: ...Krahken.
ZEUS: SHUT UP.
***
Later, in Argos...
KRAKEN: ::squid-humps the whole city::
CRAZY DUDE: Sacrifice Andromeda! Then Hades will spare us! Our tinfoil hats will protect us!
ANDROMEDA: He has a point, you know. Well, not about the tinfoil hats.
CEPHEUS: But my daughter is more important than a whole city!
ANDROMEDA: ...You are the worst king ever. OKAY, CRAZY MOB. I'M WEARING MY GETTING-EATEN-BY-THE-KRAKEN NIGHTIE, WE CAN GO.
CRAZY MOB: Good thing we built this kraken-sacrificing platform! PUT ON YOUR HATS, EVERYONE!
***
Meanwhile, in Olympus...
HADES: So, now that you've started killing all your believers, how 'bout I tell you about my evil plan?
ZEUS: Whatever, I figured it out already.
HADES: Wait, what?
ZEUS: Oh, and guess what? There's still a demi-god in Argos.
HADES: JUST BECAUSE THE GREEKS INVENTED IRONY IS NO REASON TO HIT ME ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
***
PERSEUS: ::flies epically out of the declipsing sun:: FIGHT SCE-- DAMN, that's a lot of tentacles.
HADES: Fly, my winged monkeys! Fly!
VAMPIRE MONKEYS: KEEPAWAY FROM PERSEUS! ::yoink Medusa's head::
***
PERSEUS: ::chases vampire monkeys::
TENTACLES: ::chase Perseus::
MOVIE: ::repeat as needed::
***
TWO ETHNIC DUDES ON SCORPION: WE CAME BACK FOR THE FINALE! ::kill vampire monkey::
ANDROMEDA: SERIOUSLY I'VE BEEN HANGING HERE FOR AGES AND MY ARMS ARE STARTING TO GET TIRED, CAN I EITHER GET EATEN OR RESCUED?
PERSEUS: I'm sorry, but I lost my horse in the fight scene and there are a lot of stairs. Right, here we go!
CEPHEUS AND CRAZY DUDE: ::die, just for the hell of it::
KRAKEN: NOM NOM --
MEDUSA: ::DEATH GLARE::
KRAKEN: ::dies::
PERSEUS: ::loses his head. Well, Medusa's, anyway::
HADES: You do realize that you can't actually kill me, right?
PERSEUS: Yes, but I can SERIOUSLY INCONVENIENCE YOU!
ANDROMEDA: ...You need to work on your battle-cry.
PERSEUS: BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL! ::throws lightning-powered lightsaber at Hades::
HADES: DRACULA YEAR ZERO IS GONNA SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK... ::falls into underworld::
ANDROMEDA: Much betterrrrrrrrrr... ::falls into ocean::
PERSEUS: NO MORE REFRIGERATOOOOOOOOORS! ::rescues::
***
Later, in the epilogue...
ANDROMEDA: So... the myth says we're supposed to get married and unite our two sovereign states.
PERSEUS: Yeah, but I've got a flying horse.
ANDROMEDA: Point.
PERSEUS: Good luck with the whole ruling thing! ::flies away::
***
ZEUS: So, are you sure you don't want to come to Olympus? The rest of my interesting demi-god children won't come along for a while now. You can stay in the basement free of rent...
PERSEUS: No, I'm pretty sure that goes against my whole DAMN! THE! GODS! thing. But I have run out of father-figures, so I might be persuaded to not totally hate you.
ZEUS: Glad to hear it. I didn't get you a bike for your birthday, but I DID cash in your deus ex machina coupon! It seemed appropriate, really.
IO: ::sparkles into existence::
PERSEUS: I KNEW you could teleport!
ZEUS: I hope you like older women. And, uh, sloppy seconds. And incest.
PERSEUS: What?
ZEUS: Later! ::flies away::
IO: Let's see... you're not a king, I'm not a cow, and we have a flying horse (sorry, us). But we did spend an hour and a half crapping all over Greek mythology with no serious consequences, so I feel safe in saying: and we all lived happily ever after, THE END.
In conclusion: Murphy does not approve of your faily Greek myth adaptations.
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I have a deep suspicion that your summary is in fact fairly accurate. And I am deeply saddened that Draco didn't get the fate of Shady Guy and be the one to randomly appear at the end with the horses.
Also: WTF? The shipping here is possibly making Potterdom look same. I'm fairly certain that shipping Perseus/Io is like shipping Harry/Sinistra. They technically exist in the same universe, but they have absolutely nothing to do with each other.
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Sadly, Draco was channeling his role as shadiest knight of the Round Table, AND I'm pretty sure he was supposed to be Hotspur's character, so he was pretty doomed from the start.
I have NO IDEA where the Io thing came from. It's like they realized it was somewhat problematic for Perseus and Andromeda to get married after meeting ONCE while he was rescuing her, but then decided it was too hard to actually figure out a way for them to have scenes together (wisely, they dropped the astral-projection kidnapping via giant vulture from the first movie -- no, seriously) so they just gave up. And then picked a name off a list of girls screwed over by the gods.
I think a better comparison is probably Harry/Rowena Ravenclaw. If Rowena Ravenclaw was his great-great-great-great-great-great grandmother, anyway.
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